Public expectations and such.

Unless you've been living in a cave, you've probably heard by now that Prince William and Princess Kate are expecting their first baby, and that Princess Kate is in the hospital being treated for a condition called hyperemesis gravidarum (HG).  HG, as you may or may not already know, is essentially severe morning sickness.  Not to lighten the severity of the condition in any way, shape, or form, because it is serious business; we're talking dehydration and malnutrition, neither of which are good things for a growing fetus, as well as misery for the expectant Mom.  On a personal note, I had "pretty bad" morning sickness when I was pregnant with DS.  I was nauseated 24/7 for the first four or five months or so and was subject to the involuntary and abrupt emptying of my GI contents on a moment's notice or less.  And even though I actually lost 15 pounds during the first trimester because of that, I was able to stay hydrated and nourished, and able to continue working and taking care of the dogs and the house for the most part during that time.  It went away for me by the second half of my pregnancy and everything turned out fine.  But that was just "pretty bad" morning sickness, which I'd imagine is about 1/1000th of what it's like to have HG.  My heart goes out to her and to all women who are dealing with or have dealt with HG.

This news, however, brings up a topic that I felt like writing about today.  It's something I've dealt with for so long on my own, because it's just one of those things people don't talk about.  And if you've never had the misfortune of dealing with infertility or pregnancy loss, I'm only guessing that it's something that would never even cross your mind.  But if you have, you know where I'm going with this when I say that it's still hard to hear about "public pregnancies".  It's a sore subject, so bear with me here while I try to do a little advocacy.

In case you didn't already know, women (and probably men, too, but since I'm speaking from my own heart here, I can only represent the ladies) who are dealing with these kinds of issues can tend to be a little . . . sensitive.  Obviously, we know that most women in the world are NOT infertile and have no issues reproducing whatsoever, so we know we can't get away from hearing about other people's pregnancies and newborns and kids and all that.  And don't get me wrong, because in our hearts we truly are happy for those people and wish them nothing but the best.  It's just that jealousy can be a difficult thing to manage sometimes.  Infertility is unfair.  Being women, we're prone to constantly double- and triple-think things through anyway, but believe me when I say the "Why not me?" path is a bitch to have to deal with.  It's hard, and it hurts, to admit that there is nothing at all we can do to change our bodies and the way they're functioning (or in this case, dysfunctioning).  And although we know "the world" doesn't mean it that way, sometimes it feels like "the world" is rubbing our noses in the fact that we can't perform the one physical accomplishment that differentiates females from males.

(Don't get me started on "16 and Pregnant" or "Teen Mom"!!)

I struggled down the "Why not me?" path for a long, long time.  I can talk about it now, because I'm not on that path anymore; oh, sometimes it will come up as a fleeting thought, usually as a result of hearing something on the news or reading something in the paper and usually something far removed from my personal life, but it's not crippling anymore.  I know now that it's not because of me or who I am or what I've done in my past -- it's just biology.  "Shit happens" is a less eloquent way to put it, but still gets the point across.  Besides, I know now that I have other redeeming qualities that far overshadow the fact that I can't physically reproduce anymore.

When I heard on the news this morning about Princess Kate, I didn't feel an iota of "Why not me?" -- but this topic came to mind because I was thinking about all the other women out there who aren't past that stage yet, whose hearts are hurting with the news of this very public event for any of a wide variety of reasons.  I've been there.  I can relate.  But I can also testify that it is possible to get "over" that, to work through it and reach a point where you can accept that you don't meet certain "standards" (for lack of a better word), but that doesn't mean you're any less important or less valuable to the world.

And also, since I've brought up the topic of infertility, I can't neglect to mention that not all adoptive families choose adoption because of infertility.  There are many reasons people choose to adopt.  Infertility might be one of the most common reasons (but don't hold me to that, because I haven't researched it or anything) but it is by far NOT the only reason.  Adoption is nothing if not an act of love -- pure, unselfish, unadulterated, inexplicable love.  It is doing something solely for the benefit of the most innocent and helpless among us.  It's hard to define a "reason" to adopt (or to bless a child with an adoptive family) because it's so much more than that.  It's not really something you "decide" to do -- it's more of a calling.  I didn't realize how true that is until we became more involved in the process, and I wish that other people would realize it, too.

On that note, I feel like I've gone off on about fifty different tangents here, so I'll wrap it up and get back to thinking about pre-Christmas-decorating-house-cleaning on my unexpected day off.  Love and peace to you and yours!!

Closing in on Month 3...

Okay, I think I'm getting this "patience" thing down pretty darn well.  I don't jump when the phone rings, I don't act on the urges to go out and buy tons of baby things (although there are some darn cute things out there that I'm looking forward to having for our next child), and I haven't even started assembling the nursery yet.  The hubby occasionally reminds me that we've only been waiting for almost three months now, "which is nothing considering how many people wait years for a match".  Yeah, yeah, yeah; I know.  It's always at the forefront of my mind, but I think I'm doing a pretty good job of carrying on with life que usuel despite the fact that any minute now one of these days, we will get a phone call that will change our lives forever.

So I'm trying to be patient, and also trying not to worry.  I'm not usually a worrywart, but there is just so much to worry about right now!  I worry that it will take us years to be matched.  I worry about how we will all adjust to the changes that will be forced upon us once we add a baby to our mix.  I worry about how we will work out a suitable arrangement with the birthmother/family.  I worry about how the boy will react to not being the only child anymore.  I worry that I won't have enough strength to parent two children at opposite ends of the "childhood" spectrum.  I worry about losing sleep.  I worry about whether my Tahoe will last long enough to be used as a family vehicle (since it would take some pretty creative acrobatics to use a car seat in the Monte Carlo, and since the minivan has been commandeered for plumbing side job purposes, and since the hubby says we can't get a new Camaro "because you can't put a car seat in a Camaro!" which I'd like to take as a personal challenge).  I worry about what to do about work after we "have" a baby.  I worry that this will never happen.  I worry that it will happen too soon.  I worry that I'm worrying too much.  I worry that I'm not worrying enough.

Usually not, though.  For the most part, I'm able to let it be (Let Go and Let God, remember?) and carry on with life already in progress.  Honestly, I don't think about it much until people ask me how things are going.  I feel bad that I have to say, "No, nothing yet...".  Trust me, I cannot wait for the day when I will have a different answer -- in fact, you probably won't even have to ask me first!

Well, as National Adoption Awareness Month draws to a close, my thoughts and prayers are with everyone who has anything at all to do with keeping the miracle that is adoption alive and well.  May we all continue to be "adoption awareness" advocates the other eleven months of the year, too . . .

November is National Adoption Awareness Month :)

And, apparently, November 17th is National Adoption Day.

And, we've now officially been "on the books" for two months.  Or "on the waiting list", if you prefer.  I prefer "on the books".  The term "waiting list" implies that we're just, you know, waiting for our number to come up.  Which isn't exactly untrue, but it also implies that our wait is as simple as checking names off of a list, and when our name is at the top of the list, our wait will be over.  That seems to be a common misconception, so I think I'll go with "on the books" from now on.  

Nothing new to report on our end.  I still entertain the idea of calling our case worker to see if there's been any, you know, "activity" with our portfolios . . . but I haven't.  (And, of course, by "calling" I really mean "emailing".)  I was hoping I'd be immune to the ringing-induced tachycardia I had heard so much about in hopeful adoptive families, but that does not seem to be the case; my heart does, indeed, speed up with anticipation every time the dang phone rings.  Which is often, because every political group under the sun seems to have our phone number this election season.  I think I reach my target heart rate at least half a dozen times per day!  

I've put Operation: Lactation Initiation on hold for the time being.  Don't get me wrong, I am greatly encouraged by the small amount of success I had based on how intermittently I was making whole-hearted, honest attempts at pumping on a regular basis; I am still fully committed to this end and I plan on getting back to it once we are, you know, "closer".  :)  

As for the so-called "rest of our lives", nothing new to report there, either!  Wow, I wonder if I should even post this entry . . . it's so full of nothing!  It doesn't help that today is a cold, grey, dreary, rainy day and I'm feeling like Eeyore is my kindred spirit and I'm fighting the urge to go take a nap because it's just such a perfect day for napping!  

In summary: I wish I had something exciting to report, but I don't.  Not yet.  My thoughts and prayers go out to all the other hopeful adoptive families like ours, who are waiting just as [im]patiently for "the call".  This isn't going to happen in our time, it will happen in His time.  God is in control.  It will happen when it's meant to happen, and not a moment sooner (or later).  These are the things I need to remember . . . 

Wanna trade?

I remember hearing (or reading) once, or maybe a few times, somewhere (but I don't remember where) that if most people were given the choice to trade their "problems" with someone else's, most people would choose to keep their own "problems".  There was something about if everyone could throw their problems in a pile together and choose any other set of problems they'd like, they'd end up taking back their own.  I probably jumbled that somehow; it's just what I do.  (For that reason, I can't tell a joke to save my life, and I'm not so good at telling stories, either!)  

I've been thinking about that concept, though -- and isn't it just the truth?!  Not only because most of us aren't aware of most of the problems that weigh heavily on the hearts of our friends, neighbors, co-workers, or even family members, but also because, well, we just kind of get used to dealing with our own problems.  God doesn't give us more than we can handle, right?  (Although I'm not always so sure about that one!)  Everything that happens is part of His plan for us.  We couldn't really take on someone else's problems, but it's a good reminder of perspective, as well.  Everyone, I believe, is fighting their own battle against something.  

This weekend, I got hit with another episode of oh my gosh, this is taking forever, I don't think it's ever going to happen, why haven't we been chosen yet, I thought our portfolio was super awesome, was there something wrong with the pictures I chose, or did I have "too much" God in our portfolio, or are we too overweight, or did I put too much emphasis on the boy?  What if it's not meant to happen after all; I mean, it's not unheard of for families to go through all of this and then have something happen that makes them completely withdraw from the program, what if that happens to us, what could possibly happen that would make us do that NEVER MIND I don't want to think about that . . . but . . . we're not getting any younger, were we crazy to think we should do this?  Do young unwed teenage girls even consider adoption anymore??

And then the hubby reminds me that we haven't even been waiting for two months yet, really.  It feels like it's been much longer, since getting to the point where we had jumped through all the hoops and would be waiting to be chosen by a birthmom was on our "to-do" list since November of LAST year  But really, it hasn't been very long.  It's been almost seven weeks.  That's nothing.  Right?  No time at all.  But I'm starting to occasionally get that panicky feeling, not unlike when I was pregnant and also when I was in labor with the boy, when I was starting to think -- I don't know how much more of this I can take, and there's still no end in sight!!  But I can't get an epidural to take the edge off the anguish this time (and actually, I couldn't get one last time, either -- with the boy, I had what I now know is called 'precipitous labor' -- but that's a story for another time).  There's no concrete reassurance this time, no one to step in when I feel like I'm about to break and say, "Oh, you've made wonderful progress!  You are [exactly this close] to the end!"  

I know, I know; go ahead and laugh.  Life doesn't work that way, I know.  I've always struggled with patience.  I'm the kid who couldn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve and wanted to be up at 2am Christmas morning to see what was in my stocking; I just couldn't stand waiting until 6am to wake my sister up so we could go downstairs together.  (I don't know now why I didn't just go downstairs anyway . . . everyone else was sound asleep, I totally could have pulled it off!)  I have a history of not being able to sleep the night before big events take place . . . weddings, showers, parties, exams, etc.  Part of the reason nursing school was hell for me was because it just took so long (two years full-time, plus two years of part-time classes prior to that . . . plus me waiting until I was in my 30's to start . . . )

In my heart of hearts, I know that there is a lesson for me in all of this.  Just as finishing nursing school taught me to have some patience and a ton of perseverance, and to work through big problems a little bit at a time . . . this waiting game is teaching me to have even more patience, and faith.  I have to trust in the Lord with all of my might, because I have absolutely nothing else to trust in right now.  There is no earthly guarantee that this adoption thing is even going to happen, no living person who can look me in the eye and say, without a doubt, "YES, this will happen, and I know when, but I'm not going to tell you."  Only God can tell me that, and I believe He does, and bless Him for putting up with me even when I get impatient and stamp my feet and sigh dramatically and throw myself at His feet and beg him relentlessly to please make it happen soon!! No one else can console me when I start whining, "What if it doesn't happen, after all of this?"  Oh yes, I am definitely getting a lesson in what it means to have faith!  I mean, I thought I had faith before, but now . . . wow.  Just wow.  

So . . . while we're waiting . . . I've been keeping busy with some crocheting projects.  I bought a big skein of baby yarn, and haven't decided yet what to make with it.  I'm thinking an afghan, but, we'll see.  I'm not in a rush to start that one.  I also started making an afghan for my son's room, in his school colors (red, black and white); I was originally making it for me to use next year when we go to football games and marching band competitions (I quickly learned this year that having blankets with is a VERY good idea, those bleachers get cold especially once the sun goes down!), but decided that it would look better in his room instead.  Besides, and here's something you might not already know about me, I'm a blanket hog.  I just love blankets and probably have about fifty begillion of them.  Alright, that's a slight exaggeration, but, I do have a hard time passing up a good blanket.  And I have an even harder time getting rid of them once I've bought them.  They're just so versatile!  You can't go wrong with a good blanket.

All this talk of blankets is making me yearn to get upstairs and under the ones on my bed.  I worked the night (as in overnight) shift last night, so it's just about my bedtime now, even though most of the civilized world is probably on it's 2nd or 3rd cup of coffee already.  Hey . . . someone's gotta keep the world running while the rest of you are sleeping.  ;)

Take care, and God bless!!  And ask Him to send me some more patience, if you don't mind, please and thank you.

No news is . . .

 . . . exactly as stated: no news.

The end!

:)

Sometimes I feel like posting a long, blank entry, just to give you an idea of how waiting feels: like a blank page just waiting to be filled.  Believe me, I wish I had more to write about on a daily or otherwise more-often-than-I-have-been basis.  I suppose I could write about the so-called "rest of our lives", i.e. how life is going on despite (or maybe in spite of?) the fact that we're waiting patiently for a call that hasn't come yet.  But since you're probably reading this from the link I'll be posting on my Facebook page shortly, you probably already have a good idea of what's been happening.  :)  And, it's been effectively keeping my mind off of The Big Wait, most of the time.  Which is good -- not like you need me to point that out to you -- but if I had nothing to do but sit around and wait, I'd be waiting from the Funny Farm right now, trying to type with my feet since my hands would be bound in a straight jacket.

But, I digress!!

I love it when people tell me that they've had dreams about our future addition!  I should have started keeping a tally of boy dreams vs. girl dreams.  :)  Or twins vs. singletons.  :O  Hahaha!  I certainly am not going to rely on the "hidden messages" in my own dreams -- they're as confusing as anything.  This week, the baby I dreamt of was a girl.  Last week, a boy.  The week before that, a teenager.  My dreams are inundated with different ways of us having another child, as they have been for as long as I can remember, only this time I don't feel sad when I awaken and realize it was just a dream; this time it gives me a sense of inner happiness because I know that, one day, it will be true.

Operation: Lactation Initiation continues on a slow but steady path.  Last week I didn't pump for pretty much the whole week, as I was busy with work and then out of town with DS' high school marching band, and at this point I'm not so dedicated that I'm pumping around the clock or no matter where we are, yet.  I do try to keep a regular schedule when I'm at home and it's convenient.  This week I've been pretty consistent most days.  There's still not enough to nourish a tiny new human, but there's more than there was last week!

Other than that, life goes on.  Every time the phone rings and the caller ID comes up with "Unknown Number", I hope that it's The Call and not another political call . . . but so far I've been wrong, every single time.  My heart doesn't even skip a beat when the phone rings anymore.  I guess that's one way of teaching me to be patient!

Last weekend, while riding across the great state of Wisconsin on a coach bus, I found myself scanning the vast landscape before me and wondering where she is . . . our birthmom.  We passed so many towns, it was easy to imagine that she's out there somewhere.

In our adoption education class, we were warned (for lack of a better word) that once word got out, we'd start hearing from all kinds of well-intentioned people about someone knowing someone who has a neighbor or a cousin or a niece who is pregnant and wants to give her baby up for adoption.  Well, so far I've only heard two such stories.  It gives me hope -- not that we'll find our birthmom through that method, but it gives me hope that there will be someone out there who decides to place her child with an adoptive family instead of parenting or having an abortion.

That's about all I've got for now.  Thank you for the prayers, and please keep them coming!!  Until next time, whenever that may be . . .

Retail therapy?

Among other things that make me occasionally question whether I really do have two X chromosomes (like my lack of fashion sense or interest therein, my inability to decorate a room to save my life, and my general avoidance of all things pink and/or flowery), I happen to not really enjoy shopping.  It's a necessary evil -- I do NOT understand people who shop just for fun.  And people who go shopping on Black Friday?  No way, no how!  I used to work in retail -- I still have nightmares about working on Black Friday, about dealing with people driven insane by sales and lower prices.  Usually those nightmares (no, I wasn't kidding!) deal with me having a looooong line of impatient customers, and being stuck in front of a register that doesn't work.  There's probably something to that, but we'll save dream interpretation for another time, mmkay?

That being said, there are times when I don't hate shopping.  For instance, I don't think I've ever hated shopping at IKEA.  I love that place!  We only go a couple times a year since it's about an hour or so away, but still . . . even when it's crazy busy, I don't mind it.  Another thing I don't hate is shopping at thrift stores and, to a lesser extent, rummage sales.  I think the key there is that I like finding really good deals.  If I have to spend money, I want to spend as little as possible.

There's a reason I'm rambling about shopping.  I officially started buying baby stuff this weekend.  Well, not counting the breastpump I bought over the summer, or the crib/changing table and Pack & Play I also bought over the summer (all of the above purchased "gently used", thus at really good prices! hee hee hee).  Our church's annual silent auction ended just this weekend, and a few entries ago I mentioned that I was drawn to a particular basket that had a bib with a stethoscope printed on it.  It looks something like this file photo that I found via Google:

(and it doesn't say "Doctor", lol)

Well . . . I WON IT!!  :)  And along with this bib, I also am the proud owner of like four little infant outfits, two packages of wipes, two big things of baby lotion, one big container of baby wash, one big container of baby shampoo, a baby hair brush and comb, and a water-temperature-sensitive rubber ducky for the bathtub to make sure I don't scald my new precious cargo.  Hypothetically speaking.

In other words . . . the first brand-new stuff for the baby we don't have yet.

And I feel kinda weird about it.  I mean, it's kind of exciting and fun to have this tiny human stuff in my possession again, but the superstitious part of me is very hesitant to be too excited about it.  I have a new pile of stuff started in the spare bedroom now -- "baby stuff" -- but it still feels more like I've picked this stuff up for someone else, not me.  

I don't plan on making a habit out of this, not until we are much farther along in this journey.  :)

Anyway . . . we've been in the book of waiting families for a month now!  It doesn't seem like it's only been one month, and it also seems like it's been much longer than that.

On that note, I'm signing off for tonight.  Keep your fingers crossed . . . like one of my best friends said, "pray for faulty condoms!"  :D

Hurry up and wait.

Did you know that, for all the books out there that are designed to help your child deal with the addition of a new little sibling, there aren't any to help your teenaged child deal with the addition of a new sibling? 

Well, if such a book exists, I haven't been able to find it!

Alright -- in all honesty, I haven't looked that hard for one, yet.  But I'd be really surprised to find out one does exist.  I know we're in less-traveled territory here, but it's definitely not uncharted, right?  I know we're a little unusual (keep your comments to yourselves, peanut gallery) in having a teenager and planning for a newborn, but it's not so outrageous and completely unheard of that there haven't been any words of wisdom, advice, or even just personal stories out there to give us a little more insight as to what we might be getting ourselves into . . . right?

Not that I have a problem with winging it and figuring things out as we go along.  I've kind of been doing that my whole life, heh heh heh.  And it's also not that I have any particular worries about how this is going to pan out.  DS is pretty well-adjusted, easy-going, and smart . . . I think we're doing a good job with him.  I hope we do as good of a job with the next one!!

Operation Lactation Initiation continues to progress slowly.  I've had some results, not near enough to sustain any kind of life, but enough (relatively speaking) to boost my confidence in making this happen.  The electric pump isn't even so bad, now that I've had time to get used to it.  

And so, we continue to wait . . . and wait . . . and wait . . . 

"Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience." James 1: 3

You know what?  Being a potential adoptive family, waiting for The Phone Call to come in during the months leading up to a presidential election, is . . . well, my inclination is to say "it sucks", but that's not exactly true.  It's teaching me not to jump every time the phone rings, which is several times a day.  I don't drop everything and race to the phone as soon as it rings to see who is calling, because I know it's most likely some non-adoption-related message waiting for me.  I'm more annoyed than anything, but that's nothing new . . . I don't like using the phone.  I'm guessing that most people reading this know that about me already, heh heh heh, but it's true.  Voicemail is my BFF, because I hardly ever answer the phone.

ANYWAY . . .

Operation Lactation Initiation continues!!  I've been taking fenugreek three times a day for about a week now, and then today I started pumping.  While I was trying to figure out how to put the electric breastpump together, I discovered that it has a manual pump attachment, too.  Hey, give me a break, I'm new to this!!  :) I decided that would be a good way to get started . . . until I can work myself up to hooking "the girls" up to a milking machine.  I'll get there, I know, because I can only stand about 2-3 minutes of manual pumping before my hands tire out (that much I do remember from back in the day), but for these first few days or so, I figure I'll just keep doing it manually, until I get used to it again.

In case you're wondering, no, I'm not having any results yet.  I'm not expecting to, yet.  Everything I've read says it will take time to start actually producing milk.  It is a bit discouraging already, pumping and pumping and pumping and getting absolutely nothing.

I do hope to get on a more regular schedule, but for now I'm just pumping for a few minutes whenever I feel like it.  Which has been twice so far today.  I try to make sure I'm as relaxed as I can possibly be, in a nice, quiet room, and totally clear my mind of everything but making my body produce nourishment for an as-of-yet-unknown new baby human.  Which I know will come easier in time as well, because mostly right now I'm finding myself spending most of my time trying to get comfortable.  There are some unique challenges to pumping when you're not yet lactating.  There's a difference between a deflated balloon and one full of water.  I'll leave it at that.

So, this is my plan . . . continue taking fenugreek, continue keeping in mind that I'm hoping to be lactating soon and thus avoiding any potential harmful substances (alcohol, medications, etc.) as much as I can, and continue pumping -- manually for now, but building up to longer sessions with the electric pump.

And checking voicemail a few times a day, just in case one of those calls isn't some political party or another . .  :)

Psalm 25:4-5 
Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long

2 Thessalonians 3:5 
May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance.

Operation: Lactation Initiation, day one.

First, my disclaimer: the "plan" I am following for Lactation Initiation is one I have come up with for myself after doing my own personal research (comprised of reading books, talking to certified Lactation Consultants, talking to women who have successfully improved their lactation, and searching the web). My posting about it here is in no way, shape or form meant as an endorsement of any product or plan.  Any information provided here is for entertainment only -- anyone considering doing this on their own should consult their own physician.  This is NOT a recommendation of any sort.  Talk to your own professional care provider before doing anything like this at home.  Got it?  Good.

And now, without further ado . . . Operation: Lactation Initiation has BEGUN!!!

Last week, I ordered some fenugreek -- after having done the above-mentioned research, and a whole lotta thinking and praying and weighing the many options.  Fenugreek, as it turns out, has a number of other possible benefits, including protection against hyperglycemia, aiding with digestion, and preventing hyperlipidemia.  None of which are FDA-approved, so you didn't hear it from me.  I took my first dose about 24 hours ago.  So far, I don't feel any different . . . just tired, but that is more likely from the semi-chaotic day I just had at work.  :)

My plan is to take the fenugreek for about a week or so, and then start pumping and see if anything happens.  I might start pumping sooner if I get too impatient.  I don't know.  This isn't an exact science.  It's a whole lotta little steps and waiting and seeing what happens.

So!  That's where we're at right now.

Incidentally, our social worker said we can call or email her anytime for updates.  She said she can tell us how many times, if any, our portfolio has been looked at.  So far, I've refrained; I don't think I want to hear either way (that it's been looked at lots of times but no one has chosen us yet, or that it hasn't been looked at at all).  I have faith that everything will work out as it's meant to work out.  I haven't had any more impatience attacks like I did the other day, THANKFULLY!!

Speaking of being tired, I really am.  I've been fighting off this cold for about a week now, and was wondering the other day why it feels like it's kicking my butt so badly when I've only had it for about a week -- and then I realized that seasonal allergies had been attacking me for about a month before that, and that started in just about the time I was recovering from having my gallbladder removed.  So no wonder I feel a little run down, I've had a lot going on lately!  I'm just thankful it's been several little things and not one big thing . . . okay, now I'm rambling -- and even worse, I'm rambling about health, which can only mean one thing: time for me to sign off!!

Another day closer!!

I can honestly say that I have not given much thought about "the waiting game" this weekend!  It's been a busy one.  That's not to say that it hasn't been on my mind . . . in fact, last night at about 9:30pm when I was "stuck" on a school bus with 60-some tired, energetic high schoolers, 2 hours from home and with a cell phone battery that was so dead rigor mortis was starting to set in, I had a fleeting moment of, "What if someone has been trying to reach me?"  It really was just a fleeting moment, and quickly replaced by something else (I don't remember what, but probably something along the lines of being tired and cold).  I quickly rationalized that, it was 9pm on a Saturday, and while it seems like our caseworker is on the job 24/7, I'm sure she avoids scheduling things at such inconvenient times whenever she can help it; I also rationalized that it was 9pm on a Saturday, and we wouldn't be able to do anything that night anyway, so if I *did* miss an important phone call, I'd just have to wait until I got home to find out about.

I can see how easy it would be to believe otherwise, but we can't live our lives right now as if our very futures depend on a phone call that could be coming at any time -- even though that is exactly the case.  We have to purposely "forget" what's lying in wait out there.  I could get all philosophical here and point out that everyone has "something" out there that's lying in wait, and we just happen to know that one of the things waiting for us is a phone call that will hopefully lead to finding our birthmother and our new baby, but I won't.

But even though we can't and won't put our lives on hold in order to sit around and be ready to jump out the door when we finally get that phone call, doesn't mean it's not always on our minds.  Well, let me clarify that -- I'm not speaking for my entire family here, although I'm fairly certain they would concur.  I'll give you a few of my personal examples:

Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to be able to chaperone an all-day trip with DS and his high school's marching band.  It was their first competition of the season, at a location about two hours away.  Considering that the kids had to be at school to practice at 9am (until around 2pm, when we packed everything up and prepared to head out on the road) and that we didn't roll back into town until after 11pm that night, it was a long day.  A good day, but a long day -- and besides the aforementioned split-second panic of being hours away from home and not being able to be reached via cellular telephone, I was also looking around and thinking, There's no way I could bring a baby to something like this!  Which, of course, is not exactly true; I could bring a baby/toddler there as a spectator, but I don't see how I'd be able to chaperone (which also involves helping move props etc.) with a child underfoot.  I'm not saying it couldn't be done, but I wouldn't want to create more work than necessary.  I think it's safe to say that we're all so accustomed to just going and doing things without having to consider someone else's well-being that it's going to take a little getting used to when it becomes an issue again.

Another time was this morning in church.  DH was on his way to the Vikings game with his brother, so it was just DS and I -- and, of course, we were running a little late.  We didn't get our usual 4th (or so) pew from the front on the right side, so we sat smack dab in the middle with one of my dearest friends.  As the service was starting, there was a child near where we were who was crying.  My friend nudged me and said, "See what you get to do again soon?"  We smiled at each other (I don't know who had the bigger grin on her face!) and went back to paying attention to the service.  Then . . . there was a baptism.  I love baptisms, I always have -- and I couldn't resist nudging my friend and saying, "See what else we get to do again soon?"  And then, of course, I was thinking about that for a while.  Remembering DS' baptism (and he's being Confirmed this year!), thinking through some of the very preliminary plans DH and I have discussed on rare occasions about our plans to have our next child baptised . . . things like that.

And THEN, our church's silent auction is going on right now.  There are usually more than a few baby items, usually handcrafted blankets and cute little outfits.  Well . . . there was a basket there, and as much as I don't want to jinx anything by buying baby supplies yet, I just *had* to bid on this basket because the first thing in it that caught my eye was a bib that has a picture of a stethoscope on it!!  It's meant to look like a scrub top, and I suck at describing things so I hope that gives you an idea of what it looks like.  Anyway, I bid on it, and it's got a bunch of other baby supply things in it, but mostly I just want that bib.  And there was another baby basket there that I bid on, because I figured that since I'd bid on one already that I wouldn't be double-jinxing myself or anything.  (I mean, come on!  There are rules about jinxing, and once you've jinxed something you really can't jinx it "more".  Don't bother arguing this point with me, it's my story and I'm sticking to it.)

After bidding on the second one, my subconscious spoke up and notified me that both the things I bid on were very much boy-oriented (not saying that the scrub-shirt-looking-like bib is, obviously, but it and the other things in the basket were very much blue and not pink).  I don't know if that's just because it's what I know, or if it's a sign . . . but to test myself after I made that realization, I went and looked at some of the girl-oriented baby things for auction.  I didn't feel the need to bid on them, like I did with the other items.  Also, during church I caught myself thinking about boy names . . . again, could be just my inkling since I have already nearly raised one boy, and because the three babies who were baptised today (and thus whose names were on the nice big banner in the front of the church) were boys, and it could very well end up being pure coincidence that the bib that caught my eye was on a blue-themed basket.

And it could also be that I think too much.

Be that as it may, I can't wait to see how this story continues!!