I've been thinking about that concept, though -- and isn't it just the truth?! Not only because most of us aren't aware of most of the problems that weigh heavily on the hearts of our friends, neighbors, co-workers, or even family members, but also because, well, we just kind of get used to dealing with our own problems. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, right? (Although I'm not always so sure about that one!) Everything that happens is part of His plan for us. We couldn't really take on someone else's problems, but it's a good reminder of perspective, as well. Everyone, I believe, is fighting their own battle against something.
This weekend, I got hit with another episode of oh my gosh, this is taking forever, I don't think it's ever going to happen, why haven't we been chosen yet, I thought our portfolio was super awesome, was there something wrong with the pictures I chose, or did I have "too much" God in our portfolio, or are we too overweight, or did I put too much emphasis on the boy? What if it's not meant to happen after all; I mean, it's not unheard of for families to go through all of this and then have something happen that makes them completely withdraw from the program, what if that happens to us, what could possibly happen that would make us do that NEVER MIND I don't want to think about that . . . but . . . we're not getting any younger, were we crazy to think we should do this? Do young unwed teenage girls even consider adoption anymore??
And then the hubby reminds me that we haven't even been waiting for two months yet, really. It feels like it's been much longer, since getting to the point where we had jumped through all the hoops and would be waiting to be chosen by a birthmom was on our "to-do" list since November of LAST year But really, it hasn't been very long. It's been almost seven weeks. That's nothing. Right? No time at all. But I'm starting to occasionally get that panicky feeling, not unlike when I was pregnant and also when I was in labor with the boy, when I was starting to think -- I don't know how much more of this I can take, and there's still no end in sight!! But I can't get an epidural to take the edge off the anguish this time (and actually, I couldn't get one last time, either -- with the boy, I had what I now know is called 'precipitous labor' -- but that's a story for another time). There's no concrete reassurance this time, no one to step in when I feel like I'm about to break and say, "Oh, you've made wonderful progress! You are [exactly this close] to the end!"
I know, I know; go ahead and laugh. Life doesn't work that way, I know. I've always struggled with patience. I'm the kid who couldn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve and wanted to be up at 2am Christmas morning to see what was in my stocking; I just couldn't stand waiting until 6am to wake my sister up so we could go downstairs together. (I don't know now why I didn't just go downstairs anyway . . . everyone else was sound asleep, I totally could have pulled it off!) I have a history of not being able to sleep the night before big events take place . . . weddings, showers, parties, exams, etc. Part of the reason nursing school was hell for me was because it just took so long (two years full-time, plus two years of part-time classes prior to that . . . plus me waiting until I was in my 30's to start . . . )
In my heart of hearts, I know that there is a lesson for me in all of this. Just as finishing nursing school taught me to have some patience and a ton of perseverance, and to work through big problems a little bit at a time . . . this waiting game is teaching me to have even more patience, and faith. I have to trust in the Lord with all of my might, because I have absolutely nothing else to trust in right now. There is no earthly guarantee that this adoption thing is even going to happen, no living person who can look me in the eye and say, without a doubt, "YES, this will happen, and I know when, but I'm not going to tell you." Only God can tell me that, and I believe He does, and bless Him for putting up with me even when I get impatient and stamp my feet and sigh dramatically and throw myself at His feet and beg him relentlessly to please make it happen soon!! No one else can console me when I start whining, "What if it doesn't happen, after all of this?" Oh yes, I am definitely getting a lesson in what it means to have faith! I mean, I thought I had faith before, but now . . . wow. Just wow.
So . . . while we're waiting . . . I've been keeping busy with some crocheting projects. I bought a big skein of baby yarn, and haven't decided yet what to make with it. I'm thinking an afghan, but, we'll see. I'm not in a rush to start that one. I also started making an afghan for my son's room, in his school colors (red, black and white); I was originally making it for me to use next year when we go to football games and marching band competitions (I quickly learned this year that having blankets with is a VERY good idea, those bleachers get cold especially once the sun goes down!), but decided that it would look better in his room instead. Besides, and here's something you might not already know about me, I'm a blanket hog. I just love blankets and probably have about fifty begillion of them. Alright, that's a slight exaggeration, but, I do have a hard time passing up a good blanket. And I have an even harder time getting rid of them once I've bought them. They're just so versatile! You can't go wrong with a good blanket.
All this talk of blankets is making me yearn to get upstairs and under the ones on my bed. I worked the night (as in overnight) shift last night, so it's just about my bedtime now, even though most of the civilized world is probably on it's 2nd or 3rd cup of coffee already. Hey . . . someone's gotta keep the world running while the rest of you are sleeping. ;)
Take care, and God bless!! And ask Him to send me some more patience, if you don't mind, please and thank you.
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