The first year: DONE

My Mom just asked me The Stupidest Question Ever.

I'm generally in the "there are no stupid questions" camp.  But honest to goodness, I was just talking to my Mom on the phone not five minutes ago, and she said to me, "So you remember what today is, right?"

Um.

No. It's only been on my mind all the time for the last year.  I've dreaded this day for most of the last year, once the initial fog lifted.  There is no way on God's green earth that I would ever forget that today is the one-year anniversary of the day my one and only Dad, the person who probably loved me more than anyone else on the face of the planet (except my husband but that's a different kind of love), took his last breath on earth.  I've been fighting to get that image out of my head all day. I've been avoiding writing about it all day because that's not what I want to remember today.  I hate August 2nd.  I want to skip it. I want to skip this whole month, actually, because even seeing the word "August" makes me wince now.  August just hurts. 

And then? I was looking for an image to share for this blog, and one of the images that came up was for an article entitled something like, "Why grief may hit harder after the first year," and boy oh boy, I am not even ready to try to tackle THAT thought right now.  

Because today?  Hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be.  It has been painful, don't get me wrong.  I have cried several times.  I have chosen to avoid most people today, and the ones I could not avoid I did choose not to interact with.  (So if I interacted with you at all today, consider yourself special!)  I spent the day cleaning and organizing and this made my sad little heart feel happy and in control. I thought of happy memories, and that made me happy, too.  I wore one of my Dad's t-shirts, even though it's three sizes too big for me, and I didn't care that it was three sizes too big for me.  I almost cried when we couldn't drive the Lincoln to Bible Study because apparently I left the door open last time I drove it and that drained the battery (I do not know how I managed to do that...all I can imagine is God didn't want me to drive it this morning for some reason, so there we go.)

I bit my fingernails down, but not nearly as bad as I used to.

I feel like I've come a long way in the last year.  I do miss my Dad, and I know I always will, but I am so glad that he is not suffering any more. 

Since I wasn't going to write today, that's all I'm going to say for now.  Before I turn into a blubbery, sobbing mess, I'm going to sign off and play some mindless games on my phone and try to get to sleep.  Sleep hasn't come easy lately, but I'm not sure if it's because of that, or because I switched from Ozempic to Mounjaro and am finding myself with more energy -- which is a very welcome change that I'm trying to embrace by keeping up with housework and yardwork.  Either way, I'm gonna go. TTYL.