Just because I'm not a fan doesn't mean I'm a hater. I've just never been a princess type of girl, or a movie-goer, or into the things that are, you know. . . popular.
But you know how it is when you're trying to think of a fitting title for that day's blog, and a phrase pops into your head, and then it becomes a song and you realize that the only part of the song you know is the chorus but you can't get it out of your head anyway? And so since you're not a Disney person, you don't really want to post images from the movie because that feels somewhat really misleading. . . so you post an image of the sheet music because that's what really comes to your mind when you see or think or hear that phrase. But much to your dismay, the music shown isn't actually the music that plays in your mind, but at that point you don't care and just post it because you don't have all freaking day and people probably won't notice, anyway, unless you tell them?
Welcome to my thoughts.
I really don't know how the rest of the song goes. I can't even claim I know the whole chorus, just the title.
Anyhoo. I'm still standing, better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid. I'm still standing, after all this time.
That's also fitting. I'm gonna go add that to the title.
It's weird now, having passed the one-year mark. I feel like a huge milestone has passed. I mean, it has, I know. But I'm glad, because the more time that passes, the more I can forget about what it was like at the end. And the more I can forget about that, the more I can remember the good stuff. And the more I can remember the good stuff, the less sad I feel. That doesn't make sense -- you'd think remembering the good stuff would make a person more sad. I'll have to keep working on that one to figure out what exactly I mean by that. All I know is it's a comforting feeling, remembering the good things. It makes me want to get up and do things instead of sitting around having a pity party. I'm tired of having a pity party.
I think that's why I've been subconsciously avoiding going to my parents' house the last few weeks.
Since my Mom doesn't drive, she literally hardly ever leaves the house. This summer she has started going out in the yard and pulling weeds and doing some yard work and just sitting at the table like she and my Dad used to do way back when, but even for the last few years she didn't even do that. When it was hard for my Dad to move around, he would just sit in his recliner all freaking day, in the living room.
When I talked to my mom on the phone on the 2nd, she said something like, "I thought you and I would've gotten together and done something today." Which was news to me. I was like, You never said you wanted to get together and do anything. And she said, We never had a chance to talk about doing anything.
I was like, Waaaaaaait a second! I call you every freaking day. You had plenty of changes to talk about doing something. She said something like, "That's not the kind of thing you talk about on the phone."
???
Over the last year, and this was a really hard lesson for me to learn but I have learned it and I have learned it well . . . over the last year I have come to realize that I had a very different relationship with my Dad than I do with my Mom. Well, duh, I know, doesn't everyone? Even so, most of the time we tend to lump "our parents" together as one being, don't we? Until one of them falls out of the equation and we realize that they actually were two separate people; go ahead and laugh, but some of us didn't come from broken homes so we didn't have to learn this until much later in life. I think I've ever written about this in here before.
Anyway. I was kind of proud of myself because I didn't feel bad about not doing anything with my Mom on the 2nd. I didn't want to do anything with anybody. I didn't know how I was going to feel, so I didn't want to have any plans made. And it worked out perfectly! We went to Bible study in the morning, as we usually do on Saturdays, and I didn't feel like talking to anyone or interacting with anyone, so I didn't. To be honest, the last place on Earth I wanted to be that day was in the city, or in my parents' house. Everything in that house reminds me of my Dad, but in a depressing way. It's not the minimalistic house of my childhood anymore, full of sunlight and fresh air and music and energy. I don't like being there, and even if my Mom had suggested doing something together on the 2nd, I would not have been up for doing anything there.
Alright. That's about all I've got for now. It's time to get back to work, make some calls, prep some notes for clinic tomorrow, and drink some more water. TTYL!
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