It's odd, isn't it? How people don't like being stereotyped into certain categories unless they are the ones putting themselves into those categories.
For example, this weekend I finally got off my lazy ass -- well, I don't know what pushed me over the edge, exactly, but I got tired of the house being cluttered and I cleaned. Not that it was horrible, but the floors needed sweeping and the rugs needed vacuuming, and it just needed a good tidying-up (or tidy-upping?). It didn't take long and it looked so much better and made me feel so much better. I feel almost like a functional human again! But I digress; I know this is one of my major flaws. I am not a great housekeeper.
I remarked to my hubby something along the lines of how nice it was that I was feeling like keeping up the house again. I meant it more as a thinly-veiled comment about my mood, not about my accomplishments. And he said something along the lines of, Yes, it's always nice when you're in the manic phase.
Oh em gee, don't say it like that, I retorted.
Not because it's not true. At least, I don't really think it's true. I'm not manic-depressive bipolar. Or am I? No, I'm not. At least I've never been diagnosed that way. Just because I have times when I feel like I can't be bothered to do anything around the house, and then times when I actually can force myself to do the normal human things...that's not the same as being manic. If I was manic, it would be more extreme...right? I'd be obsessing about cleaning the house. Like, it's all I would want to do, every waking minute.
Right?
That's a rhetorical question. I don't want to know. I don't want another label. Everything I do doesn't have to be due to a mood disorder or a behavioral quirk or a neurodivergent tendency. I don't want any more diagnoses than the ones I already have, which really aren't that many - depression and anxiety. I think that covers just about everything, really. Oh, I could probably push and get some kinds of spectrums added on there, and that might qualify me for some other kinds of medications that might give me more energy and focus on those days when I just keep walking by the dishes in the sink and wishing someone else would wash them. But, why?
I don't always like things the way they are now, with my mood. I don't like it when I don't want to get out of bed, or when I don't want to clean the house. I want to be the kind of person who wants to get everything done and then find more things to do. But I'm just not. I don't want to be the kind of person who relies on medication to be that kind of person. It's bad enough that I already rely on medication to be the kind of person that isn't annoyed with everyone and everything every single day of their lives. I've resolved to be that person, and to take that medication.
My point being, I don't know. I'm not saying that I think I need more medication. That was just my funny little example that I took too far because that's what I do when I'm writing, with no one to stop my train of thought.
I'm saying that the world needs fewer labels.
It seems like people are saying they want to be themselves and recognized for the individuals that they are, and then they go and place labels on themselves so they fit into easily-identifiable packages. Just like everyone else.
I don't understand that. I, too, want to be myself and be recognized for the individual that I am. I don't want to be labeled. I don't want to be easily identifiable. I don't want to be easily understood. I'm a mystery. An enigma. You think you know me? You don't know me. You don't know half of what I've been through. You only know what I want you to know. (Except you. You know what I've been through. And you're probably not even reading this. And God knows what I've been through. Everyone else is on a need-to-know basis.)
But again, that is not what I came here to write about. But too late, I already did, and now I have to get back to work. So, that's all I have to say for now.
OH MY GOSH, A BLOG ENTRY WHERE I DIDN'T CRY BECAUSE I DIDN'T MENTION HOW MUCH I MISS MY DAD!!
