I'm not even kidding. I don't.
It's like, once we got to 1 year (52 weeks), I stopped counting.
I've noticed that Fridays don't bother me as much anymore. I still don't like them, but I don't hate them, either. They're by far not my favorite day of the week again yet, but I don't dread them. I never fail to recall that they are the day on which my favorite Dad in all the universe left me, but that fact doesn't quite ruin the whole day for me anymore. But if it ends up being a bad day, if I end up moody for no other apparent reason, that's what I blame it on.
When I think of my Dad (which is still daily and, for the record, I don't want that to change nor do I expect it ever will) I don't feel that heart-crushing sensation every time anymore, and my eyes don't start welling up with tears if I think about him too long. OK, well they are now, just because I said that. But usually they don't. I feel more loved than hurt these days. More thankful that I was so blessed to have had a Dad who loved me more than anything, and less feeling absolutely torn apart inside because the first person on earth to love me more than anything is gone.
OK, now I'm starting to cry, when I was just thinking I haven't cried for a while, either.
But my point is that, it's odd, the difference a year can make. A year ago I had no idea how I was going to carry on being my father's daughter without him here. How could I be a Daddy's Girl without my Daddy? That would make me just a Girl, and we all know I'm not good at that! How could I be me without my number one fan? I mean, my husband likes me and all (lol) but...you know.
If I thought I'd gone through the gamut before my Dad died, what with losing him slowly (or not-so-slowly at times) to dementia and such, I don't know how to explain what I've gone through in the last year and am still going through now.
Because when one of your parents, or both of your parents, or I suppose any prominent figure in your life, really, dies, there's one big thing that has to happen that I'd never realized before. Because I'd never lost anyone in my life who had as big of a role as my Dad did. You have to sort of re-invent yourself. Maybe that's not the right term; maybe it is. Obviously, I'm still working on it, whatever it is. But, you know, it changes everything in the family dynamic.
I don't know exactly how to explain the depth of this. How you have to change the very way your mind works. You don't have that person to rely on anymore, so you have to shift your way of thinking. Even if you're 50 years old, you have this harsh realization that you have to be more of an adult because you can't ask your Dad anything anymore. Even if you couldn't really ask your Dad anything for the last 5-10 years because he was already losing his mind anyway, at least there were some things you could ask him and think maybe he might be giving you the right answer. But now, you can't even ask him at all, so, you better learn to figure it out yourself. Suck it up, buttercup.
It's eye-opening, for sure. But I can only imagine that he's sitting up there, watching me figure things out and smirking at it all, going, Yep, I told you so!
That's all I got for now. Toodles!
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