Sunday evening thoughts.

Well, there's not much to report on getting-ready-for-the-home-visit progress anymore since the majority of my "to-do" list is crossed off.  This weekend we bought and installed (hey, I can say "we" installed them, because I did help! haha) hardwired smoke detectors.  Oooooh, the excitement . . . I can hardly contain it, and you know you're jealous.  :)   We also bought a "safety kit" for our house, with outlet covers and door knob thingies and drawer latches to child-proof our home.  (Isn't child-proofing the house counterproductive?  I mean, we want another child here!)  It's amazing (but not really surprising) how "things" have changed in the last 15 years, since the last time we were in the market for baby stuff.  I'll go off on a tangent about car seats another time . . . I was honestly overwhelmed at the selection of, um, child safety mechanisms out there now!  Locks for the oven and the refrigerator, blind cord protector thingies, corner covers, and four different kinds of outlet covers . . . and this was just on the little end-cap at a home improvement store!  Another shopping trip is in our future, I guess.  However, I think we'll be alright for the home visit.  We do have to have some of the safety gear in place (or at least in possession) for the home visit.

I'm feeling a major decluttering snap coming on.  My goal this week is to attack the kitchen cabinets and get rid of everything I can get rid of.  The church rummage sale is coming up . . . :)  You can tell I've been looking at things on Pinterest again, because I want to get rid of almost everything in our house and start over.  You know, like completely redecorate.  HA!  It's not gonna happen.  But it's fun to think about.

Oh! We got the results of our water test, and everything is good!  No bacteria, nitrates within normal limits.  I think that was all we had tested.  Anyway, another piece of paper has been added to our "adoption stuff" folder.  I could probably fill another portfolio (or two) full of the paperwork we've had to fill out or come up with so far in the process.  Something tells me that wouldn't be as fun to decorate.

Well, the smoke detector in the kitchen works . . . and on a semi-related note, supper's ready!!  :)  Catch ya on the flip side.

Edu-ma-cation...

Prior to taking the adoption education classes we were required to take last month, DH and I were referring to them as "parenting" classes.  For some reason, we were thinking they would be classes about how to be parents, and we made all kinds of jokes about how we were going to just bring DS and say, "See?  We know how to be parents!"  We quickly learned, of course, that the classes were (more appropriately) directed at the many different layers of being part of an open adoption and less about how to take care of a kid, but that still left me wondering . . . during which part of this process do we get to learn how to take care of kids?

I remember when I was pregnant with DS, I was pretty much inundated with information about how to take care of a baby.  We had been trying to have one for several years by that point, so I had amassed quite a collection of books on pregnancy and infant care.  I know I read every book I'd owned, cover to cover, at least 732 times each.  When we moved to Illinois in my 4th month (or so) and we were living a few blocks away from a used bookstore and I wasn't working at the time and the internet wasn't nearly as stimulating (or fast) as it is today, I went through a LOT of books.  Not only that, every time I went to the doctor, I was given more "light reading".  At my very first appointment, where all they did was confirm via a blood test that I was, indeed, pregnant, I was sent home with a diaper bag full of information and product samples.  And then, the mailings started coming in . . . I think I had enough samples and coupons to care for an entire litter of children, not just one.  And sure, a lot of that stuff was samples and coupons, but there was a lot of educational stuff as well.  But that wasn't all; when I got to about 7 months along, we dove into the world of prenatal classes -- not just Lamaze, but also how to care for newborns.  Neither one of us was was worried about not knowing how to take care of babies at the time, not just because I'd read so danged much already but also because both DH and I had done our fair share of babysitting during the ten years or so prior to having the boy.  However, we still took the classes, because (among other reasons) we knew that caring for our own baby would be a little bit different than babysitting for someone else.  

And then, in the hospital after we had him, we were inundated again with samples, coupons, and information.  I think we got another diaper bag then, too, and a folder chock-full of info (I still have that folder!) and even more mailings once we got settled in back home.  There were classes I could take while in the hospital with him, classes I could take afterward, videos I could watch while I was there, videos I could borrow and watch at home . . . it was just endless.  Now that I'm on "the other side" and working as an OB nurse, it blows my mind how much new parents are inundated (I like that word today) with information about how to take care of their new tiny humans.    And if the new mom (and dad) somehow missed out on all of the information practically shoved down her throat during her pregnancy, there's a list of things we as nurses have to cover with them before they get to go home from the hospital that usually takes the whole two days (or whatever) to complete.  It's all very, very important stuff.  From personal experience, even after going through ALL of those educational steps, the first thought I had once we brought baby DS home from the hospital was something along the lines of, "Oh my gosh, they actually let me bring this baby home?  I don't have the first idea about what to do next!"  (That did NOT go into the baby book.)

My long-winded question being, what kind of preparation for being parents of a newborn do adoptive parents get?  I'm not worried so much for our own benefit, not just because this will be our second go-round but also because I know where to get the information and refreshers we might find helpful, but what about other parents adopting their first child?  They don't get monthly teaching and information about childhood vaccinations and car seats and nutrition like pregnant women do.  Not that the pregnant women has to do anything with all of that information -- but from my personal experience, it would've taken more effort to ignore the information than it took to read through it all multiple times.  Likewise, it's not that expectant adoptive parents can't take prenatal classes or sign up for mailings and coupons and samples, but it takes a little more effort to do so.  

Maybe it's the nurse in me, always on the lookout for teaching opportunities and ways to get valuable information to people who need it most in the most efficient and convenient way possible, but I was thinking that it'd be nice to have "how-to" parenting classes specifically for adoptive parents.  You might not realize this, but a lot of prospective adoptive parents are various degrees of uncomfortable being around pregnant women and couples.  Especially if the prospective adopters are infertile.  Not that the teaching would be any different, but the learning environment would be.  

I don't know where I'm going with this, exactly.  I'm pretty sure I've identified a need, but I'm not sure I'm qualified to see that it gets "filled".  Then again, God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called...

I don't know.  It's an idea I've been batting around.  Maybe I'll act upon it once we get to The Waiting Stage . . . .

Anyway!  Well, we got our fingerprinting done a few days ago!  We ended up going to the county jail in a town about 20 miles away.  We didn't need an appointment and there were no extra fees -- we just had to wait about 20 minutes or so, but that was fine, we didn't have anywhere else to be at that time anyway.  I've never been fingerprinted in a jail before.  Actually, I don't think I've ever been officially fingerprinted before, either!  Fun.  Our adoption worker told us in class that we couldn't touch the fingerprinting cards after our prints had been taken, at least that's the message DH and I both walked away with, but the nice lady who did ours just handed us the cards back and said, "There you go!"  I asked if we were allowed to touch the cards, and she looked at me like I'd just grown a second head or something.  We mailed them right away and I came home and crossed that off the list.  :)

Luger's all neutered now, too, and I have both rabies certificates in my "adoption stuff" folder on the desk.  We'll get our health records filled out this week, and I'll get copies made of our 2011 tax returns as well.  We made a Menards run today and got new smoke detectors for the house . . . we do have some in the house already, but the state code has more specific requirements and we needed to do a little upgrading.  

So many things I want to blog about . . . I'll have to save the rest for later.

Until next time . . . 

The list continues to dwindle!

I will be the first to admit that I'm a champion list-maker.  I like to see things in print, and the satisfaction of being able to cross something off of a "to-do" list is nearly second to none.  In my world, if it doesn't get written down, it's very likely to fall off the radar.  And when that happens, I end up doing things like putting half of our paperwork in one folder and half in another (for some odd reason that I still can't explain...) so that after our last class, when I'm confident that I turned in all of the required paperwork because I'm pretty sure I had put it all in that one folder for convenience's sake, I get home and realize that I still have half of the paperwork to turn in because it was in another place -- and then I mentally kick myself in the derriere for not making a list like I wanted to do in the first place.

Before we go on a trip, I still make a list of things I need to bring.  You'd think that after almost 38 years of going places, I would have figured out the basics of what I need to bring with when going anywhere -- but I still don't feel right if I haven't made that list.  Half the time I end up not needing it anyway, but there's something in my brain that gets triggered when I see things written down.  I wish I could say I have a photographic memory, because that would've made nursing school a hell of a lot easier, but alas, I do not.  

I'm an incredible list-maker at work, too.  I heard somewhere recently that, on average, a nurse has 17 things to get done during her (or his) shift at any given time.  If I don't write down as much as possible, I'm going to forget something.  I know I still end up forgetting things anyway, but I'm 99% less likely to forget it if I've jotted it down somewhere.  There's a reason we nurses refer to shift report sheets as our "brains".  (For that reason, don't be scared if you ever hear a nurse say, "I've misplaced my brain!";  it's not an anatomical issue, it's a clipboard issue.)  Sometimes I half-jokingly think I should come up with a "brain" for home; I'd probably get a lot more done.  

My point with all this rambling is that the list on my monitor is looking pretty messy, which is a good thing!  Messy lists mean things have been crossed off.  I don't trust a nice, neat list.  That's why the one on my monitor has bothered me so much up until the last week or so . . . there were no messy scribbles on it!  But now, that's changing.  Tomorrow we're going to get our fingerprints done at the county jail, so I will be able to cross that off!  And yesterday, we made appointments for our physicals; mine is next Tuesday, DS' is next Thursday and DH's is next Friday.  DH and I have forms that need to be completed by our physicians, basically stating that we're healthy, emotionally mature and stable (uh-oh...), and that we have normal life expectancies.  We're also required to have some labs done . . . Hgb/Hct, UA, HIV, and a 5 panel drug test (for amphetamines, TCH, cocaine, POP, and opiates).  Oh, and a Mantoux skin test (which I have to get every two years [or is it annually? I don't remember!] for work, anyway.  So . . . yeah!  That will be taken care of next week.  The boy isn't required to have a physical, but we do need a note from the doctor stating that he's healthy -- so I made an appointment for him to have a physical, anyway.  

On that note . . . I'm off to mow the field, which gives me a lot of time to ponder the deeper topics in life.  If only I could blog just by thinking about it . . . hahahaha!

Until next time . . . 

14 days until the home visit!!

That "to-do" list that's taped to my monitor is looking impressively scribbled-out.  DH got a certified copy of his birth certificate yesterday, which is funny because it looks more like a vehicle title than a birth certificate.  Apparently they don't look up the original document then copy it and place the official embossed seal on it anymore, because this copy is literally just a print-out of his name, birthdate, city and state of birth, and then his parents' names.  *shrugs* Well, whatever; it's what we need, so now we can cross that requirement off the list!

I've been unable to connect with anyone at the local police department to set up a time to get our fingerprints done, so this morning I figured out Plan B -- which is going to the county jail (about 20 miles away) and having it done there.  So, that's our new game plan.  "Fingerprints" is NOT crossed off the list, yet.

I did cross off "Dogs vet, Luger neutered" already, even though that's only half-accomplished.  Magnum's been vetted, and Luger is going in tomorrow to be vetted and neutered.  I stand behind my decision to cross it off the list already -- hahaha.

"Well water tested" is crossed off as well.  Although we don't have the results yet, which is the last piece of our personal requirement, making sure we have the results for the home visit.  I only crossed it off with one line, though, just in case.  :)

So, what's left on the list?  "Health Records" and "Tax Return".  We need to provide a copy of our 2011 tax return (which I know we have around here somewhere . . . ) and get our health records form filled out.  I don't forsee any problems with having those accomplished within the next week.

Amazingly, I haven't looked at the portfolios or resume' letters at all since Monday!  Which surprises even me, because typically after I finish a big project, I have to keep looking through it obsessively to make sure there are no typos or other errors, and to make sure it is just exactly the way I want it to be.  I have this odd, overwhelming sense of peace and assurance that I don't need to obsess over this "project" because it is exactly the way it is supposed to be, and there's nothing I need to do to change it.  If that's isn't assurance directly from above, I can't imagine what it would be!

One of the questions everyone asks us is what our expected time-line will be.  It's a little disappointing (both as the asker and the answerer) to hear the reply, "We have no idea !" but honestly, that's the answer.  What we do know is that it should take approximately two weeks after our home visit for our official approval, at which time our portfolios and resume' letters will be "out there" and available for potential birthmoms working with our agency all across the state to view.  At our screening interview earlier this year, we were told that we have to update our information every two years, so it could be that long or even longer until we've found a match, but "it usually isn't that long".  I completely understand why our worker at the agency won't give us an expected time-frame either; since every single case in open adoption is different, there is no "typical" on which to base such generalizations.  We could be that case that takes four years to find a match.  We hope we're not, of course, but you never know.  On the other hand, it could be two weeks; maybe a birthmother decides in the hospital after giving birth to place her child with an adoptive family.  The "ideal" is that we meet the birthmother long before she gives birth, but sometimes that doesn't happen.  There are just so many different ways this could play out . . . so please don't be offended when we tell you we have no idea when we will be matched or placed.  We really don't know.  Our hearts tell us 6-9 months, but there's no actual basis for that whatsoever.  We hope to have a few months to get to know the birthmom and also to prepare ourselves mentally and environmentally for the addition of a newborn, but we also realize that might not be His plan at all.  Hence my decision to name our blog "Let Go and Let God..."  This is so out of our hands and completely in His.

On that note, I'm signing off for now.  I know this isn't much of an update, since we're only making baby steps (lame pun intended!) forward at this point, but thanks anyway for reading and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.

Until next time . . .

P.S. -- my first attempt at posting photos here:

16 days until our home visit!

I am very pleased to announce . . . that . . . the portfolios are Officially Done!!  Signed, sealed, and ready to be delivered in just over two weeks.  I'm going to allow myself to only look at them once a day -- otherwise I'm afraid I might drive myself crazier crazy finding things to tweak.  I did make one last minute change that I hope I don't regret: after looking through them again on Saturday night, I decided to do a "fun" little chart in the front, listing our favorite colors and numbers and heights and all that.  I don't know why it sounded like a good idea, but it did.  So I cobbled something together, stuck it in there, and called it a night.  Then, the next morning, I ended up ripping it out so I could re-print it on nicer paper that better fits in with the rest of the book.  I guess I thought it sounded like a good idea because it seemed that it might be important to mention some of the smaller details that make us who we are, know what I mean?  I seriously doubt that a birthmom will make her decision based on the fact that my favorite color is green but DH's is yellow, or that he's a Vikings fan and DS is a Packers fan, but it also shows that, despite the somewhat serious tone of the rest of the book, we are "real" people, too.  I don't know.  I have 16 more days to mull this one over, I guess.

So now, on a nice little pile on the corner of my desk, I have the two portfolios and 10 resume' letters.  I don't feel like they should be put out of sight yet.  I'm contemplating bringing them to church and asking my friends to help me pray over them -- not so much for us, but for the women whose hands will (hopefully!) be touching them soon.  For everyone from the adoption agency workers to the potential birthmothers and everyone involved in this process.  This is so much bigger than we can even imagine.  It overwhelms me just thinking about it!

I am also able to cross a few things off my "to-do" list this morning afternoon!  DH called the septic company last week and made arrangements for the nice guy to come out this morning and get a water sample (as required by state foster licensing code).  He didn't get a time, just "Monday" and said that the guy said he'd call first.  Well . . . good thing I was awake enough this morning before I actually got out of bed, so that when the big ol' tanker truck pulled into the driveway, I heard it in time to scramble into some clothes and run downstairs!  He got his sample and was on his merry way.  I noticed that the septic guy never offers to shake hands . . . hmmmmm . . . but, I digress.  He said the sample will be overnighted this afternoon, and we should get a letter with the results sometime after that.  He didn't really know how long it would take, but said we should definitely have the results in time for our home visit.  So, our part for this is mostly done; the rest is In Progress!

We got a message from an officer at the police department last week about coming in to get our fingerprints done.  I tried calling back this morning, and thus the next game of Phone Tag has begun.  Le sigh.

If you don't know me very well, one thing you should know is that I really, really, really, really do NOT like using the telephone.  I don't know why, I just don't.  I prefer to do business either in person, or via e-mail/text.  Maybe because I'm a better writer than a speaker?  Whatever.  I don't like using the phone and never have.  So most of the time, any household business that involves making phone calls goes to DH's "to-do" list.  Yeah, well . . . every now and then I have to buckle down and force myself to use that horrid machine, and this morning was one of those times.  And whaddya know, I lived to tell about it!  ;)  So, in about an hour, Magnum has an appointment at the vet for a check-up and shots.  And Luger has an appointment on Thursday for a check-up, shots, and . . . . [insert ominous-sounding theme music here] . . . to be neutered!!  Being neutered isn't a state requirement, but we're never going to breed him so it's as good of a time as any to just get it done.

One of the couples we went through our classes with has their home visit today!  J and T, we're keeping you in our thoughts and prayers and are so excited for you . . . you're almost to The Waiting Period!  Sometimes 16 days seems so very far away, and sometimes it seems like it will be here the next time I blink.  I'm not sure which I prefer at this point.  :)

Well, I suppose I should gather the mutt and get him ready for his big excursion to the v-e-t.  And then come back home and not look at the portfolios anymore, heh heh heh.  Thanks again for being part of this journey with us.

Until next time . . .

Portfolio: 99% done! Dear Birthmother letters: DONE!

I've been a busy little, um, person these last two days!  Yesterday (Friday) I finally carved out my work-area on the dining room table and laid out many of the tools I'd be needing to put the portfolio pages together: pretty papers, photos, stickers, photos, and, of course, more photos.  (Seriously . . . during the course of this project, we uncovered photos we actually forgot that we'd taken -- which is a good thing!  Pictures from our first trip to Vegas in 2004, the one and only print known to exist of DS' baby-in-the-bathtub shot, pictures from his first birthday and first Christmas . . . what a trip down memory lane this project has been!)

Actually, to be fair, I did get the cover and one page done on Thursday night.  I think I already blogged about that one.  On Friday, I finished 13 pages (plus their duplicates).  I felt more accomplished than I've felt since . . . well . . . probably since the first time I successfully started an IV on my own as a "real nurse" without someone watching over my shoulder and telling me what to do!  It was a rush, indeed.  Almost as soon as DH walked in the door that evening, I practically shoved one of the portfolios in his face and demanded his feedback.

I feel the need to bring up an incident from a few weeks ago, just to show that I don't hold grudges or anything (HA!).  DH and I were throwing around some ideas for the then-unstarted portfolio, and he said something along the lines of, "I was thinking you should ask my mom and my sisters for help putting this together, since you've never scrapbooked before and they have."  *ahem*  What I actually heard was, "You have about as much creativity as a lump of coal and there's no way you should be allowed to attempt to cobble something together on your own!"  (In my defense, I may have been having "a day" when he said that.)  Now, to be fair, I know that's not what he meant.  I know he was trying to be helpful.  I know that he, like me, wanted to make sure that our portfolio was the best it could possibly be.  But, from that point, on I decided never to tell him that, up until then, I was seriously considering paying someone to put our portfolio together -- or at least begging my many scrapbooking friends for mercy and assistance with creating our masterpiece.

With that in mind, as I was saying, I *ahem* asked for his honest feedback when he got home that night.  I was hoping he'd say something like, "Wow, you're amazing!  I take back what I said about thinking you'd need help from my mom and my sisters, or anyone else for that matter -- they should be asking for help from YOU!"  (In my defense, I may have been having "a day" yesterday.)  Just to be clear, I have nothing against my mother-in-law or sisters-in-law.  They're all very creative people and I don't mind working with them at all.  But this portfolio is supposed to be from our hearts -- not anyone else's.  For reasons other than pride, I really, truly felt this portfolio needed to be from us (meaning me on behalf of our family), not "ghostwritten" by someone else on our behalf.  Anyway, his feedback was very gracious and inspiring.  (Not in the above-mentioned words, but gracious and inspiring nonetheless.)  It was nice to know that he also felt I was on the right track.  He did use the word "perfect" a few times, which might be a little uncalled for . . . but it was still nice to hear.  :)

This morning, I couldn't wait to get started on the portfolio again.  I feel like I found my "groove" and was anxious to get going while the motivation and creativity were still flowing!  In what seemed like no time at all (but was actually about 4 hours), I had the rest of the photo pages completed (23 in all, plus duplicates).  What a sense of accomplishment, day 2!  I love the way it turned out.  I keep looking at it and part of me can't believe that I actually created this book.  I asked DH and DS to read it several times along the way, to make sure that I was truly speaking on behalf of our entire family.  They showered me with praise and agreed that it is definitely "us" inasmuch as "we" can be represented in such a format.

So, after I got the very last page done (one which I am particularly proud of . . . the "future family" page with spots reserved for pics of the birthfamily and, of course, the baby!) and had the guys look them over again, I declared the project Almost Officially Done.  (I still have to write the intro page, but all of the photo pages are done, and those are the ones I was most worried about!)  I scanned in copies to keep for our records and printed out a color copy for us to keep as well.  That is, I printed out most of a complete color copy of the book; I ran out of colored ink in the printer about 3/4th's of the way through, so the last few pages are in greyscale until I can get more printer ink.

And then -- and this amazes even me, because I was feeling like my creativity was pretty much zapped at that point -- I decided to work on the resume letter.  This is the letter that potential birthmothers (and possibly birthfathers and other family) will see when they are first trying to find an adoptive family.  It's my understanding that she/they meet with the adoption worker and come up with an idea of what kind of family they're looking for, then the adoption worker presents them with resume letters of the families that meet their criteria.  Then, from reading the resume letters, the potential birthmother (et. al.) will decide which portfolios (if any) she'd like to view to learn more about the respective families in whom she is interested.  So, there is a bit of pressure riding on this letter as well, from the letter-writer's perspective.

All I can say is that I don't think I'm the one doing the writing anymore -- I totally and completely feel like Someone Else is doing the writing for me.  There's no other explanation for why it comes out so perfectly and effortlessly at this point.  Not like we had any doubt that God has a huge role in all of this, but there is tangible proof, in case anyone needed any.  (We didn't!!  But are grateful for it all the same!!)

So . . . in summary . . . I finished writing the resume letter, and then printed out the required 10 copies on LSS' letterhead and affixed appropriately-sized family photos to the top of each letter.  And then, because I actually do have over-achiever tendencies (and also because I went a little nuts buying plastic sheet protectors when I was in nursing school and have approximately 5,732 sheets left over which I will probably not use in my lifetime), I even put them in plastic sheet protectors -- even though that step wasn't required.  Our adoption worker said she would take care of that step, but I wanted to see how the letters would look Officially -- as in how the birthmother will see them.  And maybe they'll knock a few bucks off our 'bill' for providing our own sheet protectors -- ha! ha! ha!!  I crack me up sometimes.

And now, I am taking a quick break before attacking my last goal for the weekend: finishing the intro letter for the portfolio.  (Well, okay: starting the intro letter, even.)  I will once again ask for His divine hand to intervene and help me put my feelings into words that will tie this little project up with a nice little bow and make it all pretty and ready to fulfill it's purpose.  I have no doubt that He will do just that, and I am looking forward to seeing what "we" (if I can claim any credit at all for this) can come up with!!

Until next time . . . thank you for your support.  Please, if you don't mind, say a prayer (or more) tonight for all of the women out there who are finding themselves unexpectedly pregnant and trying to decide "what to do" about it.  There are so many options . . . I know open adoption isn't best for every situation, but I know that for some women out there, it will be.  And no matter what their situations, I pray that they all make their best decisions.  "Best" is such a relative term . . . just let them know they're not alone, ever.

A dent has been made!

First off -- major props (which is a good thing, right?) to my friends, especially P, who offered to let me use their paper cutters after reading yesterday's entry.  I feel so blessed to have such generous friends!  P (I didn't ask her if I could use her name here so I won't...) gets special props because she actually showed up at my door with her paper cutter and some other crafting goodies!  That made my day (and saved me a few pennies, too!)!  Let me get all sappy for a moment and just say that I wish I could put into words how much we appreciate all of the support we've received so far.  It warms my heart every time someone makes a comment about our journey on FB, or sends me an email or a message, or stops me at work or church or at the grocery store or while we're waiting to pick up the boy from one or another of his many social engagements (!!) to ask how things are going and share some emotional support, offer assistance, or just let us know we're in their thoughts and prayers.  It means so much!!  Even though we are confident that this is the path God means for us to be on right now, it never hurts to know that we have "earthly" support as well!  *ahem*  Yeah, well, I don't do "sappy" very well.  And I tend to be a private person (not antisocial, just private . . . and YES, there is a difference!) so a lot of times I'm still shell-shocked, trying to grasp the idea that even though this is "our" journey, it's going to affect so many people other than ourselves.  So thank you, yes YOU, for reading this and thinking about us.  Sappiness: done!

ANYWAY . . . after P dropped off the goodies last night, I couldn't wait to get back to work on the portfolio.  I got one page (and it's duplicate) done, what a great feeling!  To finally see some semblance of a finished product with this project that I've been putting off for a while now, it's an awesome feeling.  I know, I know, it's only one page, and I have 23 more (plus duplicates) to go.  I spent a long time looking at that one page, trying to imagine what it would be like seeing it from "the other side" -- as a birthmom.  And then thinking about how one day, in the maybe-not-too-distant-future, "our" birthmom will be looking through those very same pages.  She'll see our pictures and read our words, and she'll know.  It gives me warm fuzzies just thinking about it!

So, this morning I got up (which is always a good sign) and couldn't wait to get back to working on the portfolio.  I had trouble falling asleep last night because I was trying to mentally lay out the next few pages.  I can't believe I'm actually having fun doing this!  Well, that is, until I realized that I need to print out some more pictures.  I have certain pictures in mind that didn't end up getting printed with the first round, for some reason . . . so I now have another file started called "Round 2!" and I already have almost a dozen more shots to be printed off.  The people at the Wally-world photo center will probably know me very well by the time this project is complete!  I can't wait to get the new prints back and finish up the next few sections.  I'm reminded of how difficult it is to choose just the right photos, because we have so darn many of them and most of them are just so darn good, it breaks my heart to not be able to use them all. 

Well, we're out of the gate and headed toward the first turn.  Our "presentation books" are starting to look less like generic office supplies and more like prospective adoptive family portfolios.  I'm kind of sad that we don't get to keep them after I'm done pouring all of this heart, soul, contemplation, and energy into them . . . but not really.  For one thing, we're going to make color copies of each page when we're done, to keep for our own records.  And for another thing, I'm hoping that we'll be able to give "our" birthmom one of the books to keep when this is all said and done, as well.  I hope it will give her comfort, someday, when she needs it most.  I hope it will help her feel connected to us.  I hope she will enjoy paging through it as much as I am enjoying creating it. 

Tonight we're planning another run to the craft store (we didn't go last night) to get more of those cool, sparkly-letters (see yesterday's entry).  I'm going to have a quick lunch here (even though it's already 2pm . . . ooops!) and then keep plugging away.  I have the first draft of our resume' letter to finish up and examine with a fine-toothed comb, plus I'm saving a page in the portfolios to write another sort of "Dear Birthmother" letter, and I want to find some Scripture and other quotes about adoption and families and love and all that good stuff.  I think I need a clone.

It's not a race, it's a journey . . . or something like that.

I finally got to start working on the portfolios today!  

It's been a crazy week.  Last Thursday, I had my gallbladder removed.  It had been on strike for quite some time, and fortunately I was able to plan my surgery instead of having it emergently.  I don't want to waste time here talking about that, which really doesn't have anything to do with our open adoption journey other than to explain why I haven't blogged or done any work on the portfolio or resume' letter or anything else this past week.  

So today, I finally got the dining room table cleared off so I could get all of my portfolio-crafting stuff out and get to work on our portfolios.  I quickly discovered that we somehow miscalculated when we bought the cool sparkly letters for the cover page, because we don't have enough to spell out our first names x2.  I could have sworn we triple-checked this before we bought them . . . and we even got two packages!  I guess we'll have to make a trip back to the Michael's where we got them in the first place, and get another pack.  (And I texted DH telling him as much.)  No biggie.

So I have one cover page done.  Yay!  Go, me!!

Then I was going to work on the first photo page inside.  Except I need to crop a few (as in, most of the) pictures down, and I don't have a paper cutter.  I remember when we were doing the layout, and I thought -- no biggie, I can draw straight lines on the back and cut them that way, it'll be fine!  Yeah, right.  Now that it comes down to actually doing it, I'm thinking, there's no way I'm trusting my not-so-steady hand to cut a straight line on something this important!!  I mean, the likelihood that a birthmom would pass us by because one (or all) of our photos isn't completely square is minimal, I'm sure, but I still don't feel like letting it pass.  Did I mention my perfectionist tendencies yet?  They haven't been used for a while, but now that they've been dusted off, they're more than ready to strike.  

Other than that . . . we went to try to get our fingerprints done yesterday, but the police department was closed.  The best part is that they're supposed to be open until 4:30pm, and we were there at 4:05pm.  Gotta love living in a small town!!  We'll try again today, when DH gets home from work.  

Other things left on my to-do list:  Get a certified copy of DH's birth certificate (which he will need to do on his way home from work sometime); Get the dogs and cat to the vet (I'll get them in next week, as I get paid on Friday); Get our health records filled out (I'll probably make those appointments next week as well; I wanted to wait until I was "over" my little surgery here first); and Get our well water tested.  I think that's it.  At least, that's all I can think of for now.

Until next time . . . :)

Prepare[d]-Enrich[ed] . . .

This stage of the game (not to imply that this is all just a game, of course) can be pretty well summed up by that good ol' cliche', "if it's not one thing, it's another!" (or as my Dad says, "If it's not one thing, it's ten!"; I like his version better!).  

The other day, I taped a to-do list onto the side of the monitor, not only so I'm forced to look at it every time I'm at my desk, but also so it doesn't get lost amongst the barrage of photos on the desk.  (Yes, they're still there.  The piles have shifted somewhat, but we haven't done any more work on our portfolio since my last entry.)  I thought it would be my all-inclusive list of What Needs To Be Accomplished Before The Home Visit (emphasis mine), but as it turns out it's not all-inclusive.  I'd forgotten about the Prepare-Enrich Assessment!

Part of our home study includes DH and I both completing a "couple assessment" known as Prepare-Enrich. They have a website, if you're so inclined.  Basically, DH and I both fill out separate surveys with questions like . . . oh, ooops!  I'm not supposed to discuss the questions with anyone.  That's okay; there were so many questions, I don't remember many exact questions anyway.  The gist of it is to find out whether DH and I are on the same page as far as our emotional preparedness for adopting a child.  I totally understand it -- we had to undergo similar testing before we got married, to find out if we had compatible goals and motivations in life.  (In case you're wondering, we did -- and mostly still do!)  They want to make sure that we're secure in our lives as a married couple before we undertake the huge stressor of having another child.  Another hoop to jump through, as far as I'm concerned; our adoption worker will discuss the results of our assessment when she's here for our home visit.  

I also started reading one of the required books for the education part of this process -- it's called The Spirit of Open Adoption by James L. Gritter (ISBN 0-87868-637-1).  I'm not very far into it yet, but I already find it much more interesting than the other book we were required to read -- Dear Birthmother: Thank You for Our Baby, by Kathleen Silber.  Don't get me wrong, Birthmother was interesting, but it was also published in 1991 and the world of open adoption has changed a little bit in the last 21 years.  It did help me see the some of the merits of open adoption (vs. closed adoption, where the birthparents are expected to go on with their lives like nothing ever happened, and the child and their adoptive family are left knowing absolutely nothing about the child's genetic background).  

I talked to my employer this week about my planned leave under FMLA (the Family Medical Leave Act).  This wasn't entirely related to our adoption story; as I think I mentioned previously, I'm having gallbladder surgery in a few days, and wanted to find out whether taking two weeks under FMLA right now would affect my being able to take the full 12 weeks after placement.  (It will, if placement happens within the next 52 weeks.)  I've never had to deal with FMLA before -- when I had DS, I was able to quit my job completely when I was about 4 months pregnant (long story, DH got a promotion and we ended up moving to another state) so this will be my first experience with "maternity leave" and whatnot.  

See?  It's always something.  I haven't even mentioned any of the things on the aforementioned to-do list that's taped to my monitor.  I know these things will get done . . . I know they will not get done overnight . . . I know that I should probably be working on something else instead of writing this blog right now.  But I also know that, somehow, everything will get done.  I am a nursing school survivor, after all, and one big thing I learned in nursing school (besides how to wash my hands and start IV's and give enemas and write care plans and all that fun stuff) is how NOT to get overwhelmed by big projects.  Just keep plugging away, a little at a time, and it will all get done; this I know and believe with all of my heart.

I think I need to re-write that list.

So many photos, so little space on a page!

This weekend, DH (which stands for Dear Husband, sorry I didn't clarify that in my previous entry) and I started going through the vast array of photos we have saved on our hard drive and picking out the ones we thought should be in the portfolio.

Before I go any further with this, I'll explain a little about the requirements for our portfolio.  On our first day of adoption education class, we were given two blank books -- actually labelled as a "presentation book" from Staples.  To keep things fair, I suppose, every portfolio at our agency has to be in the same kind of book.  Each book has 12 sleeves for letter-sized (8.5" x 11") pages, plus the front cover and inside the front and back covers, which we are given free rein to decorate as best we see fit.  We were able to "oooh" and "aaaah" over several examples made by other families, which was helpful (at least to me!).  We are required to make two identical books, one for our home office to keep, and one for the main headquarters (I guess, for lack of a better word) for our agency.  That way, birthmothers all over the state, and not just our region, will have access to our portfolios for consideration.

There's no pressure at all to make our portfolio outstanding.  We have to give the best and most creative representation of ourselves, our past, our present, and our future in 24 pages (plus a cover, plus the inside of the front and back covers) without giving away any identifiable information (so, no mentioning the names of the parks we live nearby or the awesome schools in our district).  A birthmother (and maybe a birthfather, too) will one day look at this book and say, "Yes!!  THIS is the family we're looking for," and we'll all live happily ever after.  This book will have to grab the attention of an uncertain, emotional, hormonal pregnant woman . . . and something about it will stand out to her.  Will it be the cool glittery letters we chose for the front cover?  The fact that we used just the right amount of stickers on each page, or will she think we used too many or not enough?

Something will stand out to her and she will realize that we are meant to be together.  But "something" could be danged-near anything.  Nope . . . no pressure at all.

Last night, I sent in an order to the Walmart photo center -- we had narrowed it down to 130 photos, and of course we need duplicates (two portfolios, remember?).  So today we picked up our 260 prints, and added them to the mix of a couple boxes of photos we have from the pre-digital-photography days, and two three bags of miscellaneous scrapbooking stuff leftover from the Creative Memories party I went to with my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law about 13 years ago.  Oh yeah, and the three bags of paper and stickers and such that we've picked up so far on our own.  I have no idea how people accumulate so much scrapbooking stuff . . . we're putting together one (okay, two) books, and the dining room is already overtaken with supplies.  But, I digress . . .

We picked out too many photos.  (Too many to be able to use in the portfolio, anyway; I already have ideas of things to do with the prints that don't make the portfolio cut when this is done.  Maybe another scrapbook, or a framing project, or something . . . )  I have in front of me right now at this moment, 15 stacks of photos -- grouped into stacks by my dear, dear hubby, according to subject -- which are all beautiful and heart-warming and wonderful examples of us and our lives . . . but we don't have room for all of them.  It is literally breaking my heart to not be able to include some of these pics.  What if "the one" that would seal the deal for the birthmom is this one right here of DS (Dear Son) and the pony?  Or this one over here, of me holding my niece when she was just a few months old?  Or the one of DH and our toddler nephew both making goofy faces?  It's so. not. fair. that I can't include them all.

Because I have a biased passion interest in 99% of these pictures (since I took 99% of them), and judging by how upset I was getting earlier when DH was choosing some photos (and dismissing some others) for a mock-layout of each page in our portfolio, I am trying my best to concede and let him pick out the pictures we'll use.  I was thisfaraway from putting in another order tonight to have all the same pictures printed out in 2x3 size instead of 4x6, but DH talked me out of that ("if we crop them instead of just ordering smaller prints, we won't lose detail" and blah blah blah).  I want every page to be a collage, crammed full of every single photo I can possibly fit, and he wants to do 3 or 4 of the best pics on each page.  Unfortunately, I can see his point; quality is better than quantity.  And having to choose which pictures make the cut is like, well, what I imagine trying to choose your favorite child feels like.  (Obviously I've never had that experience, personally.)  I can't do it; I love them all.

The ironic part in all of this is that, while going through our mock-layout, we realized we need more pictures of specific things.  So we have too many pictures, but still need more.  My head is spinning.

We're taking a break for tonight.  I am looking forward to actually putting these portfolios together and am planning on doing so in the next couple weeks when I'm off of work.  Oh, I didn't mention that yet?  I'm having my gallbladder removed on Thursday.  Because we don't have enough going on in our lives at the moment!  At least I was able to put it off until after our classes were done.

Anyway . . . like I said on FB, I am completely and utterly grateful and overwhelmed with the number of  friends who have offered to help me with the scrapbooking aspect!!  Apparently I'm friends with enough scrapbookers that I should, like, host a retreat or something.  How do you all find the time?!  Wowza!

If you don't hear from me for a couple of days, it's because I've lost the computer in the mounds of craft supplies, stacks of photos, and endless "to do" lists that are slowly taking over my desk.  It's organized chaos here right now.  I have never felt so much pressure to do well on an "assignment" in my life.  My uber-perfectionist tendencies (yes, I do have them . . . I'm a Virgo, after all) are starting to surface, and I have a feeling it's not going to be pretty when they let loose.

Until then, I will keep plugging away at the portfolios.  And writing our resume letter (which is a topic for a whole 'nother time!), and getting all the other i's dotted and t's crossed.  And getting the spare room decluttered (took a big chunk out of that project this weekend, too!).  Thanks for reading.  Thanks for the positive feedback you've given on my blog so far.  And most of all, thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and support on this journey!  God doesn't give us more than we can handle, right?  I know it's cliche, but sometimes I really do wish He didn't think I could handle so much at once.  :)

What's Happened So Far . . .

Realizing that I've started this blog at the beginning of, but still well into, our journey toward open adoption, I feel the need to devote the first few entries (or whatever it takes!) to introducing myself and my family and explaining our situation and filling whoever might be reading this in on what has transpired to date.

I'll start with a timeline of relevant events thus far . . . 

July 1992:  DH and I have our first date, just before beginning our senior year of high school.  We've been friends for a few years already, and he's asked me out approximately 5,732 times before I finally say "yes".  We go to Pizza Papa for supper and see Wayne's World afterward.  

September 1996: DH and I get married!  :)  

January 1998: Our DS is born!  (Funny, for 14.5 years we haven't needed any explanation other than "our son"; now I find myself mentally calling him our birthson. I guess we'll see what happens . . . )

May 2011:  After many, many years of fertility issues (I'll chronicle those another time), I finally find a good OB/GYN who believes that my symptoms are as horrible as I keep saying they are, even though nothing shows up on ultrasound.  I have an exploratory laparoscopic surgery and am diagnosed with severe endometriosis (which is cauterized at the time of my surgery) and several uterine fibroids.  My OB/GYN suggests a "wait and see" approach with the fibroids, not being able to determine if my symptoms are caused by the endo or the fibroids.  I agree; although "hysterectomy" has been on the tip of my tongue for years, it's a bit daunting (and final) to seriously consider actually going through with it.

September 2011:  I waited and saw, honest I did!  But it wasn't just the endo.  I end up having a laparoscopic supracervical hysterectomy (or LSH), taking just my uterus and leaving my ovaries, tubes, and cervix.  I'm in the hospital for two days and then home recovering for two weeks before going back to work. 

October 2011:  There's an announcement in our church's bulletin that there will be an informative session for families considering adoption at a nearby church in a few weeks.  DH and I have always, before we even got married, talked about being foster parents one day, but have never been able to agree on exactly WHEN that should be; when one of us feels ready, the other isn't, and we can always come up with reasons why it's not a good time to do that now but someday we will.  After talking about it for the 5,732nd time (what is it with me and that number?!), we decide that instead of fostering, we both feel called to something more permanent . . . adoption.

November 2011:  We attend said informational meeting at a nearby church and decide that domestic open adoption is definitely without a doubt, the path we want to take.  The path we are meant to take.  The agency we've chosen (it was a no-brainer; we wanted a faith-based organization) says they aren't considering new applications until after January 1st.

December 2011:  I make sure we have our initial application filled out and mail it in so that it is sure to reach their office the first week of January.  I don't want it to get there too early, lest it end up in the middle of a "to do" pile, but I don't want it to get there too late (possibly conveying hesitancy!), either.

January 1, 2012:  We start checking the mailbox and voicemail almost obsessively.  Did they get our application??  Will we be considered??

Middle of January, 2012:  We get a call from the Adoption Counselor and have our screening interview.  Which turns out to be about three hours long because we have a LOT of questions!  We both leave feeling confident but guarded; the counselor tells us we should expect a phone call in the next week or two, and sends us on our way with half a dozen forms to fill out in the meantime.

February 20, 2012:  After jumping every time the phone rings to no avail, and endless conversations that go something like, "Well maybe we should call them?"  "No, they said they'd call us; we don't want to seem pushy." etc. and convincing ourselves and each other that maybe it wasn't meant to be, after all, we get a letter in the mail congratulating us on being accepted for study into the program!  We're given even more paperwork to start on, asked to send in our first payment, and informed that we'll be in the summer group for our mandatory adoption education.  "Summer" is all we get right now; we'll be notified later when exactly those dates will be.  

We start telling our families about our plans.  We need reference letters from some of them, and you can't tell some of them something without everyone finding out.  :)

May 16, 2012:  We get "the letter" for which we've been waiting impatiently, letting us know that our educational classes will be held at the end of July.  There are five sessions that we are both required to attend -- two 4-hour sessions and three 8-hour sessions, spread out over two weeks.  We'll be with three other pre-adoptive couples.  

August 2012:  We have finished our adoption education requirement and turned in most of the paperwork (biographies, questionnaires, income information, fire and disaster plans for our home, reference letters from family, friends, and our Pastor . . . I'm sure I'm forgetting something but suffice to say that we did our part to ensure the paper industry stays in business).  In speaking about this process, we are no longer hearing "if you adopt a child" but "when you adopt your child".  It's exciting and terrifying . . . and not at all unlike taking a home pregnancy test and seeing the two little lines come up for the first time!

So, that's where we are now.  Our home visit is scheduled for the 6th of September, and before that time we have some more loose ends to tie up.  DH and I both need to have our health reports filled out and some blood work and other testing done.  We need a letter from the doctor verifying that DS is healthy and doesn't pose any health risks to another child.  We need certificates of health as well as proof of rabies vaccinations for our two dogs and one cat.  We need to have our well water tested.  We need a certified copy of DH's birth certificate (I already have one of mine, plus one of our marriage certificate, plus one of my divorce decree from another time and place).  We have some repairs to make to the house (mostly cosmetic; our house isn't perfect, but it's as safe as a 130-some-year-old renovated farmhouse can be!).  And of course, we have to put together our portfolios.  I have only scrapbooked once in my life, about 13 years ago, when I went to a Creative Memories party with my in-laws.  It was fun at the time, but I never took to it because it seemed expensive.  Well . . . I'll have to call upon my inner Creative Goddess again, because we have to put together TWO identical portfolios which a potential birthmother will view when she is considering us as the family that will raise her unborn child.  No pressure at all, right?

I guess that's all for now.  I'll fill in some more of the gaps next time!

Welcome to our world!

Well!  I decided it wouldn't be such a bad idea, after all, to start a blog about our adoption adventures.

That said, I'll have to come back at another time and bring you up to speed.  :)

Later,
Tash