Welcome to 2021!

Oh, I know we've been in 2021 for a few 36 days now, but I wanted to signify the end of my reminiscing-about-2020 intro.

We had some fun times. We did some camping, and fishing, which is always fun.  We went to our first road course race, which also happened to be the first time we camped at a race track. I've never camped anywhere but in the woods before, so that was a whole new experience. Imagine living in the most redneck trailer park ever...yep, that's about what it was like! ;)  Nah, it was all good.  We actually really did have a great time there.  We're going back again this year because, as our luck would have it, the NASCAR Cup Series is having their first race there this year!  We didn't get the same awesome camp site as we did last year (which was literally like 100 feet away from the track. Don't need to set no alarm clock when you got Lamborghinis and Porsches screaming past your camper at 0700 in the A.M. to wake ya up!) but that's okay, we'll still have fun!  

So yes, in case you didn't know that about me yet, I am a huge NASCAR fan.  I'll pause here so you can get all the jokes out of the way...don't worry, I've heard them all before.  I've been watching NASCAR for as long as I can remember.  Way back when the only races they showed on TV were the Daytona and Talladega.  (cue Southern accent) I used to sit up in that ol' living room with my Daddy and watch them ol' races on the tee-vee.... (cut back to plan generic Midwestern accent) Alright, that's all I got. I did, though.  One of the first toys I remember having when I was little was a big ol' #11 Darrel Waltrip Mountain Dew car.  It's why I still have a soft spot for ol' DW today.  

My hubby wasn't into NASCAR when I met him, or even when I married him. I don't remember exactly when he converted, but it was somewhere before 2007 because that's when we went to our first NASCAR race.  It was at Chicagoland.  I believe that ended up being the last daytime race, because the next season they switched to running under the lights.  It was fun, overwhelming, and exhausting -- and took us about 5-6 hours just to get out of the parking lot after the race.  Yep, that was longer than the race itself.  Madness.  Not what you want for your first NASCAR experience. 

I know I have pictures from there, somewhere on the interlinks. But apparently not on Facebook, because I wasn't on FB yet in 2007.  That would've been back in the MySpace days... wow. MySpace has changed. I haven't logged on there since 2018, and go figure, it's taking a while for my pics to load.  And I don't have that kind of patience, and I know the pic has been on FB.  So, here you go: our family pic from Chicagoland in 2007.  The boy was so short!! 

Anyway... that was fun.

Our next NASCAR adventure was the big one... the 2011 Daytona 500.  Here we are, in all of our pale-Midwesterners-in-the-middle-of-winter glory! Do not adjust your screens, we really were that pale.  At least, for the first day.  That was also the trip where I got probably the worst sunburn of my life, ever.  On my face, of course.  Yes, I used sunscreen. Apparently not enough.  The week after we returned, I had blisters all over my face. It was lovely. Good thing I worked nights, eh? And too bad face masks weren't all the fashion at that time.  But I digress; it was a fun time.  It was Daytona!

In 2012, we went to the Michigan race.  Like Chicagoland,

that track is within driving distance of our house. It was a fun trip overall, too.  I guess I didn't talk about what else we did on our other trips.  We didn't really do much else in Daytona in 2011.  We went as part of a tour, so didn't rent a car or anything. We basically took a bus to the track every morning, hung out there all day, and then took the bus back to the hotel at night.  There wasn't a lot of time or the resources to do other things.  In Chicagoland, we rented a car to drive there. I don't remember what else we did while we were there; I think it was the first time we had been back since moving away (that's a story for another time, but we lived in that area -- about 20 minutes away from the track, but it wasn't the track when we lived there -- when the boy was born) so I'm sure we drove around the old 'hood and everything, but there's not much else to do in that part of Chicagoland.  OK, now you're caught up.  While in Michigan, we also went to the Henry Ford museum and the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland.  The race itself was fun!  A little wet; in fact, the race was delayed due to rain, and we got absolutely soaked at one point. But still had fun! Dale Jr won that race.  Yee-haw!

Well, my laptop battery is about to die, so this is a good place to break for now.  When I return... Daytona 2018 and Road America 2019!! 

...alright. I gotta stop with these blog entries that take multiple days to construct!!

And trust me, I am cutting these race memories down to almost nothing.  Not even telling you who won, except at Michigan.  I didn't tell you about how pumped I was at our first race, because I had my heart set on getting me a pair of Kevin Harvick crocs, and then we got there and found the Crocs trailer and...the Kevin Harvick crocs were red with yellow straps. And looked like clown shoes. And I wanted to cry because I hate clowns and there was no way on God's green earth I was going to wear clown shoes, not even to show my support for Kevin Harvick.  And I left out a whole great story about the drunk dudes getting stuck in the muddy ditch in the parking lot.  And there are a literal ton of pictures I could be sharing... in fact, I do have to share this one because it's fricking awesome:

Isn't it beautiful? That is my old 2007 Monte Carlo, at Michigan International Speedway.  I miss that car.  I'll have to tell that story another time.

Because now, as far as NASCAR race stories go, we're up to Daytona Speedweeks 2018!!  Holy crap, what an experience! Long story short: there's a bunch of race-related stuff happening in the week leading up to the Daytona 500. And we were there for it!!  That whole trip was one of my favorite trips ever.  Not only did we get to see so much racing you wouldn't believe it, we also did a lot of touristy crap, too.  We stayed in a hotel right on the beach and this time we didn't go with a tour group, so we had our own rental car and went and did other things -- one day we went to the Kennedy Space Center (highly recommend!!), and another day we went sight-seeing and climbed the tallest lighthouse in Florida (also highly recommend!!) and spent some time walking along the beach and exploring the local park, I don't remember which one it was now and don't feel like looking it up, but it was beautiful and I have about 2,000 pictures from that trip in my FB album.  Most of them are from the races, but a lot of them aren't.  I didn't get a nasty sunburn that time. 

And, lucky for you, our last NASCAR trip was to Road America last year.  Which was different in so

many ways!  We've always wanted to camp at a racetrack, but there aren't many that are close enough, really.  Chicagoland, Michigan, Kansas...OK, there's three.  And... Road America!  Which didn't have Cup races, but in it's favor, is actually in Wisconsin -- so, we decided to give it a try.  After all, "in Wisconsin" still could be about 5 hours away, which is about how far away it is.  Camping, road courses, racing other than NASCAR (don't get me wrong, there was Xfinity Cup racing there or whatever it is that Busch racing is called now, I can't keep up anymore) and getting out and actually doing something during COVID times...well worth the trip.  In fact, we left there wanting to sign up for season tickets.  We didn't, but... a few months ago, the hubby found out that his favorite driver, Jimmie Johnson, was going to be driving in the Indy series at Road America this year, so we decided we'd have to go back there again.  (It was a really tough decision. Not!!)  And then, a short time after that, we found out that the NASCAR Cup series was going to have their very first race there EVER, and we decided we have to go back for that.  So!  We're going back this year.  YAY!

And that, in case you ever wanted to know, is a summary of all of the NASCAR races we have attended.

As you were :)

The Worst Things That Happened in 2020

 I've been putting off writing about this for a few days, because I know that writing about it will make me remember painful things.  Things that are already bringing tears to my eyes, and I'm not even finished with the second sentence yet.  And then I remembered -- hey! This is my blog, I can write as much or as little as I want.  For once, I'm going to choose the latter. 😁

I would say the three worst things that happened [to me personally] in 2020 are as follows:

#3: My Dad was in the hospital. I detailed that a few entries ago, not gonna repeat it again here;

#2: The Flood.  There have been times in the past when our yard has flooded -- it does that just about every year.  But I hope to never, ever experience the horror of opening the basement door and seeing water just a few steps away from the top of the landing.  It was the summer of mud around here.  That stuff was everywhere, forever.  

And the very worst thing that happened this year was that we had to have Luger put to sleep.  I hate saying "put to sleep" because that's not true.  He was put to death.  And that's all I have to say about that.

The Best Events That Really Were in 2020

Alright, we're going to be into February by the time I get done recapping 2020 at this rate.  

I'm not complaining! I'm just saying. I like to write. And write some more.  

But in the interest of maybe saving some time, I'm going to now turn the tables and list some of the GOOD things that happened in 2020. In no particular order.  Maybe.

* My baby boy graduated... from college!!  Yep, the boy now has a Bachelor's Degree in Computer Science.  He's got a more advanced degree than I do.  I'm so proud!! He graduated with honors, too.  Magna Cum Laude, I believe.  

*My baby boy also moved back home :)  Which has been mostly good for all of us.  It's taken some adjusting.  His plan is to pay off his student loans and then move out on his own again.  

* My baby boy (I'll quit calling him that some day.  He just turned 23 years old yesterday.) also got his first "big boy" job!  Let's see; he moved back home at the end of May, and set about applying for jobs. Online of course. Long story short, he started working in July.  That's going well so far.  He's now working every other week from home.

* Speaking of working from home, I get to do that now!  I mentioned that in an earlier entry, though.  I'm still counting it as a Good Thing That Happened in 2020.

* ...and because of that, my brand new 2020 Equinox that I got in November 2019 (to replace the Cruze that we paid off and then gave to the boy as an early graduation present) has a lot fewer miles on it than I thought it would so far :D  I was putting 25k miles per year on the Cruze. 90 miles per day round trip x 5 days per week work commutes will do that. But now? I've been driving the Equinox for 14 months and only have 16k miles on it.  DEFINITE win!!

* I got to spend more time with my dogs!  This will become especially important in a later entry for One Of, If Not The Very Worst Things That Happened in 2020, but I don't want to bring that up yet. Oh my gosh, they loved having me working from home.  During the summer, they could go outside all they wanted. Max loves outside (it's his favorite side) and I think he spent most of his days out there.  Luger loved laying on the deck long enough to get too hot, and then he'd come inside to cool down and then he'd go back outside again.  And I felt a lot less guilty because I wasn't leaving them home alone all day every day.

* I almost forgot -- the kittens!!  And Daisy!!  It must've been late spring/early summer or so, we started seeing an elusive black and white cat around. It was very skittish but we were all trying to get it to come closer to us.  It seemed to get along with our tom cat, Bo, well enough.  One day I saw the black and white cat crawling into one of the tractor tires we have in the side yard (the one I intend to plant with flowery crap, someday) and I thought, Damn, I hope it didn't have a litter of kittens in there.

Guess what?  It did have a litter of kittens in there.  Four of them.  Teeny tiny things that looked like they had just opened their eyes and learned to wobble around. Long story short (again), they all have the best homes possible now and they're all spoiled little princesses (yes, they were all girls).  And the elusive black and white cat is now Princess Daisy who loves to beg for food and attention and thinks she belongs in the house.  We named her Daisy because Bo is named after Bo from the Dukes of Hazzard. We originally had Bo and his brother Luke, but Luke went AWOL a few years ago. So in keeping with the themed names, we went with Bo's other cousin, Daisy. Who prances around like a little princess. She's so stinking cute.

Alright, that's all I've got for tonight.  I'm off to have some leftover ice cream birthday cake, play some Candy Crush, and get ready for bed.  Nighty-night, y'all!

The Best Events That Never Were: 2020 Recap, Continued

You know why so many people (dare I say, "we all"??) ended up regressing and acting not unlike bored, frustrated little children at some point in 2020?

Because we were getting tired of hearing, "No, you can't do that."

Kids can't go to school in person anymore? OK. Personally, no big deal for me.  What a great time to be parents of a college-aged child who was living on his own (well, in a duplex with his friends, but fully responsible for his own actions)!  

Can't go to work in person anymore? I believe I covered this a few days ago, but basically, BUMMER!  In my case, at my job, we technically had the ability to work from home in the before days.  The pieces were there, but they were covered in layers of dust, pushed under the bed, and never really talked about.  Well, suddenly they were pulled out of storage, tuned up, accessorized, and thrown into the limelight.  Ah, the joys of being an essential worker.  :)  And for my hubby, too -- he's also an essential worker.  The world can't function without plumbing.  Unfortunately, he doesn't have the work-from-home option, so his work life hasn't even changed.  

Then it got a little more involved. Can't go out to eat anymore?  That's OK, we go out to eat too often anyway!  Since the house came with a kitchen and all, we should really spend more time using it.  Or, if you're like us, just order take-out from your favorite local restaurants; they will need the business since they can't have customers dining in right now, and it's a win-win because we still don't have to cook.  So the food won't be as hot as it would be if we were eating at the restaurant, and we'll have to clean up after ourselves.  It's still kind of fun!

Can't have public gatherings anymore -- so, no going to church?  That really didn't affect our congregation that much, because our Pastor doesn't let anything hold him down.  That first Sunday, he was out on a small little trailer at the front of the parking lot with a Mr. Microphone (not really but same idea), while we sat in our cars facing him with our radios tuned to FM 97.9 or whatever it was.  He doesn't stand on a small little trailer anymore -- he now has what we affectionately call the Lutheran Limo: a custom-built large stage with a railing on the back of a flatbed truck that's enclosed with plexiglass and has it's own heater.  You can see it on FB Live every Sunday morning!  It's also been seen at several local events (I know it went caroling at the local nursing homes for Christmas).  My point being that we still have church every week, we just meet in the parking lot and stay in our vehicles.  I bring the dog with.  It's all good.

You get the point here. If you're reading this, you've lived through it, too.  All the things we used to do, we were told we couldn't do anymore.  First it was normal, daily things like going to school, going to work, going to church, going out to eat, going shopping.  Then we were advised not to get together for family events -- I remember when we cancelled our Easter family gathering. I was honestly kind of glad because it was nice to have a break and just stay home for a change, and not have to party-clean the house.  

But then, events started being cancelled.  Which normally wouldn't affect me greatly either, because I'm pretty serious about my homebody status, but in the back of my mind -- OK, I can't lie, in the very front of my mind was 4 little pieces of cardstock that meant the world to me.  This requires a little backstory.

The year was probably 1985.  This story would be just ever-so delightful if I could tell you exactly when (it could have been 1986 for all I know) and exactly what it was like the very first time I heard and/or saw Take On Me.  The truth is, I don't remember my first time.  And it's not just because it's been so many years --  I just don't remember.  It could have not even been Take On Me that got me hooked on my favorite Norwegian trio for all that I know, because I have a tendency to not like the most popular thing.  I've always been more partial to Train of Thought and The Sun Always Shines on TV anyway, which everyone knows were both released after Take On Me.  I mean, I had to have seen the Take On Me video because I watched MTV all the time back then.  But was it The One That Hooked Me?  I cannot tell a lie; I don't remember.

Short story long, a-ha has been my favorite band since, like, forever.  If "forever" = probably 1985 (but definitely by 1986 because that was the year I got their second album, Scoundrel Days, for Christmas).  Most unfortunately for me, their one big hit in the U.S. was Take On Me, and as far as most Americans are concerned, a-ha fell off the face of the planet after that.  😞😞😞  By the time their third album, Stay on These Roads, was released in 1988, I had moved on to high school and hair bands.  I remember seeing Stay on These Roads on vinyl at Title Wave around about that time, and I wanted to buy it, but I had money earmarked for something else instead and couldn't afford both.  So I put SOTR back.  

Here I am, all out of chronological order already.  Somewhere in there (hold on, gotta fire up Google for this one)...on September 24, 1986, to be specific, I went to my very first concert: a-ha at the Roy Wilkins Auditorium in St. Paul, Minnesota, on their 1986-87 World Tour.  Hold on, this is all relevant, mostly.  So that was my first concert. My sister took me.  I don't remember much, other than we were on the upper level, right on the railing, and there was a lot and I mean a LOT of screaming going on, and when they played The Blue Sky a clip of a blue sky with white clouds rolling by was showing on the backdrop (how could anyone forget that, right!?).  Less than a year later, my sister's high school graduation commencement ceremony was in that same auditorium, and in my mind, I was taken back to that magical night.  

Oh, who am I kidding?!  It's St. Paul, I was probably back in the Roy Wilkins Auditorium much sooner than that for some reason or another, and can't tell you how many times I've been there since.  (But for sure I wasn't there in 2020.) But a-ha never returned.  

My soliloquial love for them never really went away, though.  It's just that, I had no idea they were still making music because there was no internet back then and I had no way of knowing what was going on across the pond.  But then, around 2001, I found them again.  This time I had the internet, and apparently some time on my hands (remember dial-up?) and apparently a little disposable income as well, because I caught myself up by buying all the CD's I was missing at once.

And this I do remember was in 2001, because two of the CD's have stickers on them that say "IMPORTED FROM HOLLAND 09/11/2001".  Which just occurred to me probably means November 9th, not September 11th.  Either way, the date is easy for me to remember.  

So that's the wordy way of saying I started liking them when they first came out, lost touch and interest for a while, and got back into them again as an adult.  I'm going to finish this up soon because it's taken me like three days to write this so far, and I need to work on that.  I hate having "draft" blog entries sitting out there, waiting to be finished.

By the time I got into them again and realized they were still alive and well and putting out music and doing concerts, just not in this country, I also became sad because I really wanted to see them in concert again.  Fast-forward to 2010 (or it could have been 2009; again, I don't remember these things exactly) and imagine my excitement when I found out a-ha were going to be playing in the United States again!  

Now, I'm going to try really hard not to go off on a tangent here, but that was a rough time of my life.  I can sum it up in two words: nursing school. Never in my life was there a better time for something good to happen, but I was too exhausted and worn down to appreciate anything. Nor could I spare the time and expense to travel to either New York or Los Angeles to see them.  No, it was good news but the entirely wrong time.  But then...they announced a show in...CHICAGO!!  It wasn't St. Paul, or even Minneapolis, but it was the Midwest and it was right after the semester ended, and gosh-darn it, I was going to be there!!!

Short story long...I was.  We all were -- the hubby and the boy and I.  I could write for three days about that whole thing, but the point is, I thought I'd never see them in concert again, and I did see them in concert again.  Very close.  We were like three rows of people away from the stage.  I have a ton of awesome pictures and I could even see the veins in Morten Harket's hands 😍.  May 13, 2010: the Ending on a High Note tour.  If you're friends with me on FB, you can see the pics here.

Since it was supposed to be their last tour, I thought that was the last time I'd get to see them.  But...fast-forward to 2019 (or maybe it was 2018...) when I found out they were going to be touring the world again. "One last time."  The world also includes the United States, right?  Sometimes?  Well, this time, nothing was going to hold me back!  The hubby and I had long ago already decided that if they did ever come back to the U.S., we'd absolutely travel to New York or L.A. or Bumfuckegypt.  Being an adult has it's perks sometimes.  ;) And now, again thanks to the internet, and lots of practice, I'm actually kind of good at getting decent concert tickets.  So we waited...and waited...and waited...and the day the tickets for their L.A. concert(s) went on sale, I bought tickets to not one but BOTH shows!  (And then they opened the third show and I'm still kind of kicking myself for not getting tickets to that one as well...)

So there you go. I had the tickets.  In time we made the plane reservations, the hotel reservations, secured the PTO, all that fun stuff.  Nothing. NOTHING. Was going to stop me from seeing a-ha again.

And then 2020 said..."hold my beer".  

And that is the tale of my saddest non-event of 2020.

2020 was going to be Concert Year for us.  We also ended up getting tickets to see my other 2 favorite bands -- Motley Crue (with Def Leppard, Joan Jett, and Poison; none of which are my favorite bands but eh, whatever) and the Barenaked Ladies (minus Steven Page but eh). But of course, those ended up getting cancelled, sorry "rescheduled" as well.  

So now I have tickets for two a-ha concerts that say they were in September 2020 but have been rescheduled to May 2021 but rumor has it will be postponed again to 2022.  So stay tuned, kids!  Who knows what's going to happen next.  I also have two tickets to the Crue (etc.) concert, which I think was rescheduled for June? 2021. And the BNL concert was also rescheduled, but then Ticketmaster refunded our money, so I'm not sure what's going on there.

That's a good line to end this with, as it came up so often it 2020: "I'm not sure what's going on there."

Five.

 

Today is my five-year anniversary at my job. 

I guess I can stop calling it my "new" job now, considering I've been a nurse at this job as long as I was a nurse at my old job now.  

Yep, I obsess over numbers -- in particular, years -- more than I care to admit.  It's hard to explain, because I don't like math, so it's not that kind of obsession.  It's like remembering dates, and license plate numbers, and ages.  For instance, it completely floors me that right now, our son is the same age that we were when we got married.  When I was his age (considering his birthday is in about 2 weeks), I was actually pregnant with him.  I can NOT imagine him being married and about to be a parent.  There are kids that were in his graduating class that are married and/or parents, and that just floors me. Even though they are the same age I was when I got married and had a baby.  Even my own mom, she was 21 when she had my sister.  So when she was my son's age, she had an almost 2 year old.  

Why is this weird to me? Is it a generational thing?  Is it because my son is my son and in my mind he can't be old enough to be married and having kids yet, because in my mind I'm not old enough to have a child that's old enough to be married and having kids?

Anywho...yeah.  Five years.  Doesn't seem like very long, but some days (like today) it feels like it's been forever.

On that note, I'm signing off and going to bed because, guess what?! I have to work tomorrow.  :D

2020: Need I Say More?

I probably don’t need to say more, but writing this isn’t a matter of need. Unless I can find a way to prove that writing really does help my sanity...(note to self: add "look up research grant opportunities" to my to-do list).   

Does the world really need yet another random account of 2020? I think it’s safe to say the consensus is that 2020 sucked. Seems like it sucked in record time, even, or maybe that's just because it's the end of the year and social media is inundated with post reminding everyone that -- guess what?! -- 2020 sucked.

Did it, though?  Is it fair to place such a harsh label on the entire year, when it just doesn't seem possible that every single moment of every single day could have been so very horrible?  Surely, it could have been worse.  For many people, it was the worst year of their lives.  But for many people, it wasn't.  Is it a competition?  Alright, alright; I'm getting too philosophical.  Everyone understands perspective.  One man's Worst Year Ever is another man's Greatest Year So Far.

For me, 2020 was somewhere in the middle.  So, yes, the point of this post was for me to personally recap my own personal 2020 pros and cons.  I really want to insert a big "DUHHHHHH" here but I'm trying to get my writing back up to speed, so I'll save the more honest free-flowing content for another time.

Because of who I am as a person*, my instinct is to point out that it wasn't such a baaaaaad year, at least not for me.  I didn't lose my job or even get my hours cut back at all.  I consider myself very fortunate in that respect.  I know a lot of other people working in a lot of other industries, and many in the same industry, for whom this is not a shared experience.  To be a nurse in 2020, not working in a COVID unit, and still having a FT job all year long, definitely does not suck.  Also, my hubby not losing his job or having his hours cut back definitely didn't suck, either.  I mean, he worked some short weeks, but that's typical and had nothing to do with pandemic restrictions.  And since I'm on the topic of jobs, another tic in the non-sucking work-related happenings of 2020 is that the boy landed his first "big boy" job as well.  That didn't happen until July, but he gets a break because he was busy finishing college most of the first half of the year. Insert Proud-Mom grin here.

*In this case: sometimes disagreeable, defiant, trying to see the "other side" of things.  May be seen as selfish but really just trying to share another perspective in a socially-awkward fashion.

Speaking of COVID, 2020 did actually meet my personal threshold for sucking in February beginning one morning when I got one of those dreadful telephone calls.  You know, the phone call from one of your parents at an odd time of the day that you happen to miss and it goes to voicemail, and when you listen to it your mom's voice sounds so desperate and the amount of information she's NOT giving you makes your heart literally freeze where it is and drop directly into your stomach?  Well, as it turned out, my dad spent about half of February in the hospital.  By some incredibly odd stroke of fate, it was the hospital next door to where I work, so win-win (for me being the #1 Supportive Daughter and for my parents to have almost unlimited access to the #1 Supportive Daughter a/k/a their personal healthcare advocate, medicalese translator, chauffeur, personal assistant, etc.).  Now, I only associate COVID with this in jest, because it wasn't ever proven -- in fact, coronavirus was one of the tests that came back negative while he was there.  HOWEVER, it wasn't a test specifically for the novel coronavirus, a/k/a SARS CoV-2, a/k/a COVID-19.  The fact is that he was hospitalized the first time with an unidentified respiratory infection for which he had to spend a few days on a BiPAP just to keep his O2 sats above 85%, and even after that was on supplemental O2 the rest of the time he was there; he also had a fever, a dry cough (but a clear chest x-ray at first), and body aches. He said he felt like he had the flu.  We had a hard time getting him to eat because he said nothing tasted good -- and this is a man who loves his food (this is how I know I'm definitely NOT adopted).  In an effort to get him to eat, #1 Daughter even went and got him anything he wanted at any time he wanted.  So YES, cheeseburgers and fries were on the menu.  It was a mystery at the time, and I'm not even saying that it was COVID because who knows? He was in the hospital for almost a week that time.  Then he was discharged home, and about 2 days later, was right back in the hospital again for the same damn thing: he couldn't catch his breath, and he had a fever and felt like crap.  And this time, he also had new onset a-fib.  

Now I feel like I'm charting.  On my day off.  UGH!

Long story short, the second round wasn't quite as bad, although he was diagnosed with pneumonia that time.  He wasn't on the BiPAP but was on supplemental O2 and IV antibiotics.  Thankfully he did improve and stayed out of the hospital the rest of the year.  So yes, that all sucked.  The outcome definitely did not suck, and for that I am very, very grateful.  I'm also thankful, as I said before, that he was hospitalized at the hospital next to where I work instead of the VA, for so many reasons! Mainly selfish ones, because I could stop in and see him before work, and on my lunch break, and after work.

I was so afraid of this.  All of this writing and I'm just finishing February.  Maybe it's a good thing that most of the rest of the year is a blur.  It's time for a non-sucking tale of 2020, anyway.  Although the story of my dad being in the hospital is ultimately a non-sucking story, right?  Since he's still alive and kicking.  Thanks be to God!!

Another huge non-sucking tale of 2020 is that I now get to work from home much of the time.  Once upon a time, I used to dream of finding a nurse job with "normal" hours (meaning Monday through Friday with no evenings, no overnights, no weekends, no holidays).  Most of the time I dreamt of that when I was trying to stay awake on the NOC shift, especially on holiday weekends, ha ha ha.  Don't get me wrong, I love my current job for so many other reasons, that is way down at the bottom of the list.  Let me put it this way: I'm an introvert with social anxiety. Being able to work from home is like...it's like finding a new treatment option.  It's like winning the lottery.  Sometimes it feels a bit on the enabling side, but mostly it feels incredibly accommodating and empowering.  I am even at the point now where I look forward to going back to the office to work as well, and can make the most of both situations.  So for me, personally, I've learned a lot of new skills in 2020 that I didn't know I'd need in order to do my job.  I think a lot of us did.  But this is my blog, so you can read about everyone else in other outlets, tyvm.

I'm going to stop here and publish what I've got so far.  I'm only about halfway through the year and not even close to the Suckiest Part of 2020 yet, but it's taken me two days to get this much out so far and I want to go do something else now. Reliving the extremes of 2020 for blogging's sake is a little taxing and I'm going to go unwind with some scrappy crocheting.  Right now I'm into scrappy hats.  I don't know yet if I'm going to try to sell them, donate them, abandon them (a la Art Abandonment), or shove them in a bag with the rest of the mittens, hats, and scarves that I intend to do something meaningful with someday and forget about them for another year or until they get in the way again.

See you next time. Which hopefully isn't in another 3 months.

2020 Vision

Hey. 

Welcome [back] to my blog!

I feel like I don't need to introduce myself, because if you're reading this, you already know a little bit (or a lot bit) about me.  Maybe you didn't know that I like to write.  If you didn't, now you do.

I'm just not sure what I want to write about yet.  Sometimes there's just so much crap going on in my mind, I need to write it all out to figure out what to do with it.  There isn't really anything I feel like I need to figure out at this moment, except what to write about.  

It's too cold to go camping, too cold to go fishing, NASCAR has been cancelled for the next few weeks so no racing to watch today, and I just got back from the church women's retreat so I'm all relaxed and happy and pensive and refreshed.  In about 12 hours, it's back to the craziness.  And even though I don't work in acute care anymore, I still feel like it's going to be ugly.  

Yeah...more or less ;).  

Alright, this has gone on long enough for now.  My awesome wonderful hubby is making homemade mac and cheese for supper, so I'm gonna sign off and do some crocheting and enjoy what's left of a low-key weekend before I can't anymore.

...and letting God. (or "The Renaissance Project")

Well...it's been almost exactly three years since I last updated this blog. And what a busy three years it's been! 

Since I last wrote in here, the boy graduated from high school and is now in his junior year of college.  That whole thing has gone much better than I'd anticipated feared.  He's thriving in his new environment: doing well in his classes (even made the Dean's List last year!) and transitioning well.  He stayed in the dorms for the first two years, but last June he moved into a rental duplex with five of his new friends.  He says he has no plans whatsoever to return to living in the little rural town we call home, because there's nothing to do here.

I'm adjusting. 

I mean, this is what we want for our children, right?  We want them to grow up and become responsible young adults and find their grooves and make their marks in the world.  And that's what he's doing.  We don't want them living in our houses for the rest of their lives.  I knew the transition wouldn't be easy.  I spent the whole summer before his freshman year prone to seemingly unprovoked crying spells.  There is just so much out there to worry about... the news is always full of stories about college kids dying or getting seriously injured.  No one is more acutely aware of this than the mother of a new college freshman.  Especially if she never had that college experience herself. 

Actually, I really am a lot better now than I was at first.  This actually does kind of tie in to the whole adoption thing, because I've had to admit that my role as a parent has changed.  "Well, duh," I hear you say, "a parent's role is always changing."  Yeah, I know; you're right.  Ready or not, here it is. 

Since I brought up the adoption topic...

I'm adjusting to that, as well.  "That" being the fact that I was so sure, so absolutely definitely positive that we were doing the right thing and that it was our destiny to become parents again and raise another child.  So. Very. Sure.  I remember the day I started saying "When we adopt" instead of "If we adopt"; it was glorious!  It was guaranteed.  It was going to happen.  We had dotted all the i's and crossed all the t's, and jumped through all the hoops, and we were just waiting on God to send our birthmom our way. 

I haven't talked about this much in real life, yet.  I wasn't ready to talk about it much in real life, yet.  But it's been a long three years and ready or not...

I bought a Prayer Journal a few weeks ago.  I haven't written in it yet.  I haven't kept a written journal since the 1990's.   At the risk of sounding narcissistic, I like the feedback I get from writing in a blog that other people can read at their leisure.  Maybe my thoughts and feelings and experiences can help others -- or, if nothing else, provide some cheap amusement for a while. 

A few days ago while driving home from work, the idea of "re-using" this blog as my prayer journal came to mind and sounded like the best thing since rearview mirrors.  I'd like a "place" to be able to document not just my insights and thoughts and feelings, but also my faith journey.  ("If it's not documented, it didn't happen" was a concept I fully subscribed to LONG before the first day of nursing school!!)

So, that's the scoop.  That's why I'm writing in here again.  Because I need to remember to "Let go and let God" in so many other aspects of my life, I'm not even going to change the name.

See ya next time!

Letting go...

Well...thank you for all of the prayers, well-wishes, happy thoughts, words of encouragement, support, hugs, prayers, and any other kind of emotional expression you have shared with us over the last four years or so, on our adoption journey.

Our journey is over, but please don't be sad.  We're not.

It wasn't an easy decision to make, but just as strongly as we all felt that we were doing the right thing four years ago or so when we started attending informational sessions and gathering information on how to be involved in the domestic newborn adoption program, know that we now feel this is the right thing to do.  We've cancelled our contract with the adoption agency.  We've pulled our portfolios; in fact, they're both sitting in an envelope, on my desk, as I write this.

I don't know why we were never "chosen", but I do know that there is a lesson in all of this.  I don't know what that lesson is yet, but I still know that we're going through exactly what God wants us to go through.  His timing is always perfect, His plans are always flawless.  He blessed us with one child of our own, and that child is more than we could have ever dreamed of having.  I know I'm biased because I'm a proud mom and all, but seriously: we are truly blessed, far beyond our wildest dreams.  Our son is healthy, happy, super smart, talented, and truly and completely the apple of my eye.  I have always felt kind of weird for wanting another child, when the one we have already was the answer to so many prayers.

Like I said to DH a few weeks ago...we tried.  We did our best, but it wasn't meant to be.  I could run through the "what if"s until I'm blue in the face, but what's the point of that?!

So, thank you again, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, for all of the support you've given us on this journey.  Please continue to pray for those families who are still waiting, and those families who are finding themselves in unplanned situations where they aren't sure what to do next.

All of our love,
T, P, & S

994 days...

Hello again!  It's hard to believe we're closing in on 1,000 days of this journey of waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting...

I remember when our journey of waiting first started.  I jumped every time the phone rang.  I made sure I always had my cell phone with me, on, and charged so that I wouldn't miss The Phone Call.  I remember having a slight panic attack one time when I was chaperoning a band trip and my phone battery died...I calmed myself down with the fact that DH was at home and the home phone would work just fine, if needed.  It wasn't needed, but that wasn't the point.  I used to worry about making vacation plans, because what if we got The Call during that time?!

I've become quite lax in that aspect.  :)  Every so often we get "unknown name" calls from in-state numbers (I answered one today, it was a political thing) that make me think, "Maybe this is it!" but I know that it likely will not be "it".

I'm not completely lax, though; I've just kind of shifted my obsession from the phone, to my email.  When I check my email, I hurriedly scan through the list of senders to see if our caseworker's name appears at all, hoping that it does, hoping that she's emailing me about a potential match or a birthmom situation that she thinks we might be interested in.  That hasn't happened for a while, either, but you never know.

Speaking of never knowing, it occurred to me a few weeks ago that every day that goes by without a phone call or an email feels like getting another "BFN" as they call it in the online infertility world.  That stands for "big fat negative" and, as you may have gathered from this entry's photo, refers to the result of a home pregnancy test.  And speaking of my obsessions...at least former obsessions, hahaha...

I haven't talked about my own infertility here (or anywhere, actually!) all that much.  When I was going through it -- "it" meaning "trying to get (and stay) pregnant" -- I never thought of myself as infertile; I could get pregnant, I just couldn't stay pregnant.  The doctors I would see would tell me not to worry about it, that I was young and it would happen eventually and I should quit worrying about it because that was probably making it worse.  And then they told me I should stop trying because it probably wasn't ever going to happen.  And then, miracle of miracles, I got pregnant with DS (after losing five pregnancies) and had an uneventful pregnancy and carried him to term and had an uneventful labor and delivery.  It was surreal.  It still has it's surreal moments.  In hindsight, I wish I would've tried harder to find answers; to find out why I was having so many issues and then to find out what to do about it, instead of just letting the chips fall where they may, and waiting until my late 30's to find out that I had severe endometriosis and uterine fibroids (and probably had for years) which very likely could have explained why I had had so much trouble in the reproduction department.  But, no sense dwelling on that now.  None of us can change anything in the past, but it is part of my story and part of what brought me to where we are today, on the journey of waiting to be part of an open adoption.

The point I was going to make is that, during the time when DH and I were trying to have a baby, I went through a LOT of home pregnancy tests.  Every time my period was late (which was most of the time), I'd have to test.  Too bad they didn't have punch cards for those things, like a "buy ten, get one free!" deal.  Anyway, most of the time I got the BFN.  It was devastating at first, and always disappointing, but not unexpected after a while.

That's exactly how I feel now, every day.  When a day goes by that our caseworker doesn't call or email, I feel like I just peed on a stick and got another BFN.  Every. Day.  It was devastating at first, and always disappointing, but not unexpected.  I guess, like in the old days, I just acknowledge it, let it go, and hope that the next time brings better results.  Because, like in the old days, I have faith that it will happen; that "better results" are just around the next corner, or maybe the next one, or possibly the one after that.  I don't know when, but one of these days we'll get that phone call or email.  I remember that feeling of getting a positive result (or a "BFP" in the online slang), and the guarded sense of elation that followed.  I can't wait to feel that way again!!

In other news...not much.  DS only has a few days left of his junior year of high school, and I'm already having my moments with that.  He had his last piano recital this week; he's been taking piano lessons for nine years and decided that next school year he will have too many things going on to keep it up.  Part of me was super sad about that, because it's the first of many lasts that will be happening in the next twelve months, and I'm not really ready to have my baby boy graduate from high school yet!  But time, as we all know, keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future... heh.  I'm happy that he did keep up with piano for as long as he did, and that it set such a strong foundation for his forays into other musical avenues (choir, trombone, guitar, bass...). I wish I could play half as well as he does.  Or even a quarter as well.

The boy got himself a job a few months ago, too.  I wasn't ready for that, either, but now it's kind of nice that he has some of his own money!  He works in the deli of our local grocery store, and seems to be enjoying it and handling the responsibility quite well.  I'm a proud mama bear.  :)

In "OMG!" news, I found out via Facebook this week that one of DS' friends (who moved away a few years ago) just became a daddy.  That caught me a little off guard!  Of course I'm fully aware that it's possible...DS himself will be 18 in January, and when I was his age I'd already been pregnant once myself...but it makes me feel old.  And, I'm not gonna lie, jealous; but that's part of life with infertility.  Some people can pop out babies like a PEZ dispenser, and some of us can't.  It doesn't make me a bad person, it's just a reminder that we all have different paths to follow.  At least, that's what I tell myself almost every single day.  :)

On THAT note, please keep all of us waiting families in your thoughts and prayers.  Pray for patience and guidance.  Pray for the strength to handle our journeys, no matter where the road takes us.  And, of course, pray for the moms out there who don't know what to do with their unborn babies...let them find us, let them know that someone out there wants so badly to meet them and help them...let them know they're not alone.

Thanks for reading.  See you next time!!