In case you're not privvy to my SnapChat story (yes, I have one of those, too...)
*ahem*
When going out of town for the weekend, don't forget to bring your medications! All of them!! Of course, remembering most of them is better than forgetting all of them. But also remember quality vs. quantity, if you happen to have that luxury.
I wish this was a random reminder not spurred by real-life events, but it's not. Here's the story, of a lovely lady...(to the tune of "The Brady Bunch" theme song, of course!)
We went out of town this weekend for our niece (my hubby's oldest brother's daughter's) wedding. As usual, I was running around packing my bag the morning that we were leaving, because that is how I roll. I know I should pack ahead of time, so if you're going to suggest doing that, please don't. I've never been a 'have everything packed the night before' kind of gal. Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a goal I'm aiming for at some point in my life, but for now, I'm not. And I usually do alright with that. "Usually". You probably already know how this story will go, so why am I even trying to make it sound somewhat mysterious? Spoiler alert! I forgot to pack my antidepressant medication!
Of course, I realized this once we got to the hotel (about 5 hours away from home) when I was going through my stuff to make sure I had everything. Which, of course, I didn't. Let me tell you a couple of reasons why I freaked out at first: for one thing, it used to be that if I was even a couple of hours late with this medication, I would get these horrible side effects. I don't think "side effects" is the right term, but we'll go with that for now. It was like this nauseated, drunk, foggy feeling that was absolutely horrible, and for that reason I have very rarely ever missed or even been late on taking this medication for the last 15 years or so that I've been taking it. Another reason is that I just don't want to do anything to disrupt the fragile stability of my mental wellness. ("Fragile stability" is a thing, right?) It's already iffy enough considering I've been off the one medication for a few months (but will be going back on soon), and also considering that my emotions are going through the ringer lately just with life doing it's thing, and I was really instantly scared that this was going to be the gentle push I needed to completely send me off the rails and plummeting back to the pits of darkness again.
I do not like the pits of darkness.
However, instead of panicking like I wanted to do, I took a deep breath, reminded myself that I still had another mood stabilizer to take, and that I would really only be missing one day of that one med (considering I took Friday's dose, and that I could take Sunday's as soon as we got home, so I would only be missing Saturday's dose...) and it's an extended release formulation so it will last a little longer anyway, and I would make sure to say some extra prayers for extra protection...and try not to think about it because that would definitely make it ten times worse.
It went alright. Sunday morning I woke up feeling like my head was being sliced by tiny razor blades from the inside out, then that stopped and I felt like the corner of my head was in a vice and being squeezed tighter and tighter, like a big pimple. I know these are general symptoms and could have been due to other things, of course...like being mildly dehydrated, or sleeping on a bed that wasn't mine for 2 nights in a row, or *ahem* trying to dance at the reception the night before...
It occurred to me today that the natural assumption might be that if a person misses a dose of their antidepressant, they will start to feel depressed. Right? If you miss a dose of your painkillers, you start to feel pain, and if you miss a dose of your anti-anxiety med, you start to feel anxious... but for me, it's not like that at all. The way I feel if I miss my antidepressant correlates in no way, shape, or form to how I feel when my mental wellness heads south and starts to head for the pits of darkness. Allow me to try to explain -- as a mental patient, not as a medical professional.
The meds keep all the circuits in my brain firing the way they're supposed to fire. Like an engine. With a whole bunch of cylinders, lol. All cylinders firing in a specific order that keeps things moving along and working and making sense, and making me to function like a normal person (so I'm told).
When I miss a dose of meds, those cylinders start to misfire. Just a few backfires here and there at first, no big deal, I can compensate with the others and keep functioning pretty well. Maybe some are slowing down and others are speeding up to keep on track, but it's all generally still making sense in the big picture. But the longer I go, the more misfires there are and the less compensation there is. My brain starts to feel like it's turning to cotton, or maybe that's the spider webs forming on the cylinders that have decided to stop firing. I feel like important neural pathways are being lost and my ability to think clearly and look at the big picture starts to fade, and I can only focus on small tasks. It's a horrible feeling. It's like my cognition is slipping away and I can't do anything about it. There's this low buzzing sound in my head that won't go away, and I literally cannot thing straight, and I feel like I'm not even in my own mind anymore. That's about as far as it got yesterday by the time we got home and I took my meds and went to bed, but it has been worse in the distant past. I don't even want to think about it right now, because I still don't feel back to 100% (probably about 96% but I'm still fuzzy on some things that require super detail which is bothering me...)
So, there you have it. If you are fortunate enough to not know what it's like to be on a medication that alters the way your mind works so that you can stay out of the pits of darkness and function in the world like a somewhat normal human being, now you have a bit of insight into what it's like when you make a simple mistake (like all people do because no one is perfect!!) and that mistake results in your missing your daily meds for a day.
So what did we learn from this? Pack the meds first. Go back to using the pill box and pack that first. Keep an extra dose or two of meds in the purse "just in case". These are things I tell my patients all the time. Other than that? IDK. I seriously considered contacting our health plan's online urgent care thing to see if they'd call in a very short-term supply of meds to the local pharmacy for me. Maybe I should do that next time, because feeling disconnected for days and days and days afterward just really is cramping my style and I don't like it. Don't get me wrong, I feel a thousand and fifteen times better than I did yesterday, and it just keeps improving, but I still feel a twinge of "off" and I want it to go away, like, right now.
Mental illness is a real thing, my friends. Yes, it's in our heads, because that's where our brains are kept...
Until next time, remember to be considerate to everyone you meet because you have no idea the battles they are trying to overcome.
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