The calm before the storm, part one.

With nothing to work on right now, well at least no paperwork to fill out or produce and no information to gather, I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit lost.  It's been ten months since we attended that first informational meeting, ten months since we decided to go forward with our wishes to become an adoptive family.  For ten months we've had various layers of "stuff" piled on our plates, and have been slowly chipping away at it . . . and now, just like that, it's over.  There is nothing else we personally can do to move this process forward.  For now, "our part" is done.  (Well, except the praying, which continues in full force!)  Our portfolios, which for weeks now have been my tangible, concrete symbols of the heart of our journey thus far, are in someone's office somewhere, maybe, I don't know for sure.  I kind of miss them; it brought me comfort to look at those pages.  I do have my partially-colored copy to fall back on now, and I did scan in all of the pages as well, but it's not the same.

I've been reading some books on open adoption, and one that I'm currently reading struck a particular chord earlier today.  (I'd share the title of the book, but I don't remember it off hand, and it's on my Kindle which is upstairs on my headboard where my hubby and the dogs are sound asleep, and I don't want to wake them up right now!)  An adoptive mom was talking about how she felt once she had submitted all of her paperwork and dossier (hers was an international adoption) -- she said she felt like the responsibility was lifted off of her shoulders.  That pretty much describes how I feel right now.  It's confusing, though, because it's a mixed feeling for me.  I feel accomplished that we actually got through that mountain range of paperwork and jumped through so many hoops that I'm going to petition to make hoop-jumping an Olympic event.  I'm glad that "we" are done for now, and that a very important milestone step is just two weeks away.

But I'm also feeling, like I said, lost.  Empty, because there's nothing more I can do on our behalf to get this party started.  I did literally everything I could possibly have done to make this happen.  I never realized how much of a control freak I can be until we started going through this process, ha, ha.  I like to know what's going on, and when, and what I can do to push it along if I think it's not going quickly enough.  What can I do to help?  That's just how I am; I am a helper.  That's why most of my jobs up until now have had the word "assistant" in them . . . nursing assistant, administrative assistant, development assistant, library assistant.  Proofreader doesn't have the word "assistant" in it, but it's helping fix something that someone else did.  I'm not as much of a leader as I am the person standing right behind the leader, making them look good.  (I read that in an astrology book when I was a kid, and it has always stuck with me as a pretty darn accurate description of my preferred placement -- and I was surprised to see it listed as a Virgo trait.)

So now, while I'm thrilled to be done with the "work" part of it at this point, I feel a little disconnected from the process because the ball isn't in my court anymore.  Although, with all the administrative mumbo-jumbo out of the way, I am finding myself able to focus more on visualizing the fruit of our labors . . . the fact that we're going to be parents again, that we are going to have another baby, that we're going to be a family of four, and that my baby boy is going to be somebody's big brother!  I will actually be able to refer to "my kids" and not be referring to my pets!  Maybe I'll get to say "my boys", or "my son and my daughter".

But then part of me puts the brakes on that kind of thinking at a certain point, too, because I don't want to get TOO excited about it yet.  This could be a long haul and I don't want to get burnt out right away.  Hence why the crib is still in pieces in the pole barn . . . it doesn't feel right to bring it into the house yet.

That's another thing I'm wrestling with a bit lately . . . with my "to-do" list annihilated, our actions for the next [time frame until we get matched] aren't based on anything concrete, know what I mean?  It's entirely feeling-based until we get to the next step.  If it feels right to start putting the baby's room together, we could, but we don't have to.  Everything we will need to take care of a newborn for the first few weeks/months can be picked up and brought home on the way from the hospital, if necessary.  We don't HAVE to get things ready right now -- only what we feel like doing.  Without knowing when "our" due date is, we don't have guidelines to follow right now.  If we go ahead and set the room up now, and end up waiting two years or more, seeing that empty room is just going to be a (painful?) reminder.  But if we wait until the baby is here, maybe we'll be too tired to set everything up the way we'd like it.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't do well, generally, without guidelines, or a time frame, or something to work with -- some small things I can check off my "to-do" list that will help us reach that final goal.  So this is a challenge for me already, but that's alright, I know I'm up for it!  "Don't tell God about your problems, tell your problems about your God!" is my latest favorite saying/personal reminder.  He's got this; I don't need to worry and there's nothing I can do but keep praying.

On that note . . . time for me to get to work!  It's my "Friday" . . . I love having a screwy schedule and celebrating the end of my work week while most of the rest of the world is mourning the ending of the weekend and preparing to start their work week.  Heh heh heh heh . . .

Later, gators!