Nothing new, just me rambling.

I've been trying to find the right word or combination of words to describe what "right now" feels like. I'm not having much luck!  Essentially, we have about one more week to go until our official approval is expected to come through -- and that's when our portfolios and resume letters will be officially out there for prospective birthmoms to see.  We're waiting to wait.  And there's not much to say about that.  Not yet, anyway.

I guess I've been thinking a lot lately about what "family" means.  What immediately comes to mind is a line from nursing school (I hate to keep referencing nursing school, but it was a pretty pivotal time in my life, and I learned a LOT of things during that time -- some of which actually have to do with working as a nurse): "Family is whatever a person says it is."  The same was also said about pain . . . coincidence?  I'll save that topic for another time.  :)

The implication there, of course, is that even though our relation to certain people can be defined by a nice little label such as "sibling" or "parent", the true meaning of the relationship can only be defined by those who are in said relationship.  This line of thinking is not just relevant to adoptive situations, as many of us know far too well.  What does "family" mean to you?  Is it limited to the people to whom you are related by blood or law?  Or are you, like me, fortunate enough to have friends in your life that you consider "family"?  I don't want to go too far off on this tangent right now, because my drive toward this line of pondering has to do with a lot of non-adoption-related things that I don't feel like sharing with the general public at this time.

But I can also tie it in with the adoption-related ponderings, because in many of the things I've read about adoption, the question comes up about whether it's possible for someone to love and accept another person as their own family, even if they're not blood relatives.  I'm feeling pretty confident about that one, personally. I'm not sure why, exactly; I have nothing tangible to base these feelings on, but I have an odd sense of peace and confidence about the fact that I will be able to accept and love a child birthed by another woman as my own.

One thing that is on my mind a lot, is how DS is going to adjust to having a new family member, to not being the only child anymore, to being a big brother . . . and to not being the center of his parents' attention anymore.  I have always had the feeling that he would make a great big brother and am thrilled for him as much as for DH and I that we will be able to give him that opportunity.  He says he's looking forward to it, and I don't doubt that . . . but I just wonder what's actually going on in his head sometimes.  We encourage him to ask any questions he might have at any time, but he hasn't really asked many.  I try to think about what my reaction would have been at age 14 if my parents had told me they were adopting a newborn, but that's like comparing apples to oranges -- DS at age 14 is so completely opposite of where I was at age 14, and that's a GOOD thing!!  ;)

Likewise, I find myself wondering what it's going to be like having two children when I've only ever known what it's like to have one.  Will I be able to love them both the same, without taking anything away from either one??  Can I possibly love another child as much as I love the boy?  I think I can, but sometimes it doesn't seem possible or even fair to imagine that.  I don't know where I'm going with this.  I don't want the boy to feel slighted.  I don't want him to feel like it's not fair that this new person is going to be coming into our lives and demanding attention and changes from all of us.  Then again, he is a teenager, so he's probably going to think at some point that it's not fair . . . LE SIGH.  Maybe he'll end up resenting us because we didn't adopt another child sooner.  There are just so many options to think about, so many things for which to try to be prepared, I've come to the conclusion that it's more or less impossible to be prepared and we'll just have to take things as they come and have faith that it will all work out.

And part of that is going ahead and making plans to do things we'd normally do, like chaperoning overnight trips with marching band, or hoping to chaperone the choir trip to New York next spring, or chaperoning at confirmation camp also next spring, and such . . . although now in the back of my head, whenever I sign up to help with one thing or another, I'm wondering What will happen if we get a call about a match meeting while we're gone? or even, What if we have a baby by then?  It could happen.  I know we can't put all of our plans and our lives on hold waiting for the next step, but the thought is always there, at least for me.  Where will I be when we get the call?  Hopefully in town, hopefully not wrapped up in something I can't get out of, but we all know life doesn't always take our personal schedules into consideration.

Well, whatever.  It is what it is, and it will be what it will be, and we'll deal with the issues that come up when they come up.  I don't want to worry about anything for no reason when that can be avoided.  It's a fine line between feeling like you're preparing yourself for any possible situation, and worrying too much.

Today I'm thankful for friends who are more like family and for "long-lost" family with whom I've regained contact in the last few years.  I am a lucky girl, indeed, to be surrounded by so much friendship and love!  I pray that God will continue to guide me in those matters regarding "family" which confuse, befuddle, irritate, upset, and hurt me, and not let those matters cloud the fact that I am surrounded by people who love me unconditionally (and vice versa) regardless of how we are related.  I also thank Him for allowing me (us) this opportunity to be "family" to someone else, someone we don't even know yet.

Until next time . . .