First, my disclaimer: the "plan" I am following for Lactation Initiation is one I have come up with for myself after doing my own personal research (comprised of reading books, talking to certified Lactation Consultants, talking to women who have successfully improved their lactation, and searching the web). My posting about it here is in no way, shape or form meant as an endorsement of any product or plan. Any information provided here is for entertainment only -- anyone considering doing this on their own should consult their own physician. This is NOT a recommendation of any sort. Talk to your own professional care provider before doing anything like this at home. Got it? Good.
And now, without further ado . . . Operation: Lactation Initiation has BEGUN!!!
Last week, I ordered some fenugreek -- after having done the above-mentioned research, and a whole lotta thinking and praying and weighing the many options. Fenugreek, as it turns out, has a number of other possible benefits, including protection against hyperglycemia, aiding with digestion, and preventing hyperlipidemia. None of which are FDA-approved, so you didn't hear it from me. I took my first dose about 24 hours ago. So far, I don't feel any different . . . just tired, but that is more likely from the semi-chaotic day I just had at work. :)
My plan is to take the fenugreek for about a week or so, and then start pumping and see if anything happens. I might start pumping sooner if I get too impatient. I don't know. This isn't an exact science. It's a whole lotta little steps and waiting and seeing what happens.
So! That's where we're at right now.
Incidentally, our social worker said we can call or email her anytime for updates. She said she can tell us how many times, if any, our portfolio has been looked at. So far, I've refrained; I don't think I want to hear either way (that it's been looked at lots of times but no one has chosen us yet, or that it hasn't been looked at at all). I have faith that everything will work out as it's meant to work out. I haven't had any more impatience attacks like I did the other day, THANKFULLY!!
Speaking of being tired, I really am. I've been fighting off this cold for about a week now, and was wondering the other day why it feels like it's kicking my butt so badly when I've only had it for about a week -- and then I realized that seasonal allergies had been attacking me for about a month before that, and that started in just about the time I was recovering from having my gallbladder removed. So no wonder I feel a little run down, I've had a lot going on lately! I'm just thankful it's been several little things and not one big thing . . . okay, now I'm rambling -- and even worse, I'm rambling about health, which can only mean one thing: time for me to sign off!!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Another day closer!!
I can honestly say that I have not given much thought about "the waiting game" this weekend! It's been a busy one. That's not to say that it hasn't been on my mind . . . in fact, last night at about 9:30pm when I was "stuck" on a school bus with 60-some tired, energetic high schoolers, 2 hours from home and with a cell phone battery that was so dead rigor mortis was starting to set in, I had a fleeting moment of, "What if someone has been trying to reach me?" It really was just a fleeting moment, and quickly replaced by something else (I don't remember what, but probably something along the lines of being tired and cold). I quickly rationalized that, it was 9pm on a Saturday, and while it seems like our caseworker is on the job 24/7, I'm sure she avoids scheduling things at such inconvenient times whenever she can help it; I also rationalized that it was 9pm on a Saturday, and we wouldn't be able to do anything that night anyway, so if I *did* miss an important phone call, I'd just have to wait until I got home to find out about.
I can see how easy it would be to believe otherwise, but we can't live our lives right now as if our very futures depend on a phone call that could be coming at any time -- even though that is exactly the case. We have to purposely "forget" what's lying in wait out there. I could get all philosophical here and point out that everyone has "something" out there that's lying in wait, and we just happen to know that one of the things waiting for us is a phone call that will hopefully lead to finding our birthmother and our new baby, but I won't.
But even though we can't and won't put our lives on hold in order to sit around and be ready to jump out the door when we finally get that phone call, doesn't mean it's not always on our minds. Well, let me clarify that -- I'm not speaking for my entire family here, although I'm fairly certain they would concur. I'll give you a few of my personal examples:
Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to be able to chaperone an all-day trip with DS and his high school's marching band. It was their first competition of the season, at a location about two hours away. Considering that the kids had to be at school to practice at 9am (until around 2pm, when we packed everything up and prepared to head out on the road) and that we didn't roll back into town until after 11pm that night, it was a long day. A good day, but a long day -- and besides the aforementioned split-second panic of being hours away from home and not being able to be reached via cellular telephone, I was also looking around and thinking, There's no way I could bring a baby to something like this! Which, of course, is not exactly true; I could bring a baby/toddler there as a spectator, but I don't see how I'd be able to chaperone (which also involves helping move props etc.) with a child underfoot. I'm not saying it couldn't be done, but I wouldn't want to create more work than necessary. I think it's safe to say that we're all so accustomed to just going and doing things without having to consider someone else's well-being that it's going to take a little getting used to when it becomes an issue again.
Another time was this morning in church. DH was on his way to the Vikings game with his brother, so it was just DS and I -- and, of course, we were running a little late. We didn't get our usual 4th (or so) pew from the front on the right side, so we sat smack dab in the middle with one of my dearest friends. As the service was starting, there was a child near where we were who was crying. My friend nudged me and said, "See what you get to do again soon?" We smiled at each other (I don't know who had the bigger grin on her face!) and went back to paying attention to the service. Then . . . there was a baptism. I love baptisms, I always have -- and I couldn't resist nudging my friend and saying, "See what else we get to do again soon?" And then, of course, I was thinking about that for a while. Remembering DS' baptism (and he's being Confirmed this year!), thinking through some of the very preliminary plans DH and I have discussed on rare occasions about our plans to have our next child baptised . . . things like that.
And THEN, our church's silent auction is going on right now. There are usually more than a few baby items, usually handcrafted blankets and cute little outfits. Well . . . there was a basket there, and as much as I don't want to jinx anything by buying baby supplies yet, I just *had* to bid on this basket because the first thing in it that caught my eye was a bib that has a picture of a stethoscope on it!! It's meant to look like a scrub top, and I suck at describing things so I hope that gives you an idea of what it looks like. Anyway, I bid on it, and it's got a bunch of other baby supply things in it, but mostly I just want that bib. And there was another baby basket there that I bid on, because I figured that since I'd bid on one already that I wouldn't be double-jinxing myself or anything. (I mean, come on! There are rules about jinxing, and once you've jinxed something you really can't jinx it "more". Don't bother arguing this point with me, it's my story and I'm sticking to it.)
After bidding on the second one, my subconscious spoke up and notified me that both the things I bid on were very much boy-oriented (not saying that the scrub-shirt-looking-like bib is, obviously, but it and the other things in the basket were very much blue and not pink). I don't know if that's just because it's what I know, or if it's a sign . . . but to test myself after I made that realization, I went and looked at some of the girl-oriented baby things for auction. I didn't feel the need to bid on them, like I did with the other items. Also, during church I caught myself thinking about boy names . . . again, could be just my inkling since I have already nearly raised one boy, and because the three babies who were baptised today (and thus whose names were on the nice big banner in the front of the church) were boys, and it could very well end up being pure coincidence that the bib that caught my eye was on a blue-themed basket.
And it could also be that I think too much.
Be that as it may, I can't wait to see how this story continues!!
I can see how easy it would be to believe otherwise, but we can't live our lives right now as if our very futures depend on a phone call that could be coming at any time -- even though that is exactly the case. We have to purposely "forget" what's lying in wait out there. I could get all philosophical here and point out that everyone has "something" out there that's lying in wait, and we just happen to know that one of the things waiting for us is a phone call that will hopefully lead to finding our birthmother and our new baby, but I won't.
But even though we can't and won't put our lives on hold in order to sit around and be ready to jump out the door when we finally get that phone call, doesn't mean it's not always on our minds. Well, let me clarify that -- I'm not speaking for my entire family here, although I'm fairly certain they would concur. I'll give you a few of my personal examples:
Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to be able to chaperone an all-day trip with DS and his high school's marching band. It was their first competition of the season, at a location about two hours away. Considering that the kids had to be at school to practice at 9am (until around 2pm, when we packed everything up and prepared to head out on the road) and that we didn't roll back into town until after 11pm that night, it was a long day. A good day, but a long day -- and besides the aforementioned split-second panic of being hours away from home and not being able to be reached via cellular telephone, I was also looking around and thinking, There's no way I could bring a baby to something like this! Which, of course, is not exactly true; I could bring a baby/toddler there as a spectator, but I don't see how I'd be able to chaperone (which also involves helping move props etc.) with a child underfoot. I'm not saying it couldn't be done, but I wouldn't want to create more work than necessary. I think it's safe to say that we're all so accustomed to just going and doing things without having to consider someone else's well-being that it's going to take a little getting used to when it becomes an issue again.
Another time was this morning in church. DH was on his way to the Vikings game with his brother, so it was just DS and I -- and, of course, we were running a little late. We didn't get our usual 4th (or so) pew from the front on the right side, so we sat smack dab in the middle with one of my dearest friends. As the service was starting, there was a child near where we were who was crying. My friend nudged me and said, "See what you get to do again soon?" We smiled at each other (I don't know who had the bigger grin on her face!) and went back to paying attention to the service. Then . . . there was a baptism. I love baptisms, I always have -- and I couldn't resist nudging my friend and saying, "See what else we get to do again soon?" And then, of course, I was thinking about that for a while. Remembering DS' baptism (and he's being Confirmed this year!), thinking through some of the very preliminary plans DH and I have discussed on rare occasions about our plans to have our next child baptised . . . things like that.
And THEN, our church's silent auction is going on right now. There are usually more than a few baby items, usually handcrafted blankets and cute little outfits. Well . . . there was a basket there, and as much as I don't want to jinx anything by buying baby supplies yet, I just *had* to bid on this basket because the first thing in it that caught my eye was a bib that has a picture of a stethoscope on it!! It's meant to look like a scrub top, and I suck at describing things so I hope that gives you an idea of what it looks like. Anyway, I bid on it, and it's got a bunch of other baby supply things in it, but mostly I just want that bib. And there was another baby basket there that I bid on, because I figured that since I'd bid on one already that I wouldn't be double-jinxing myself or anything. (I mean, come on! There are rules about jinxing, and once you've jinxed something you really can't jinx it "more". Don't bother arguing this point with me, it's my story and I'm sticking to it.)
After bidding on the second one, my subconscious spoke up and notified me that both the things I bid on were very much boy-oriented (not saying that the scrub-shirt-looking-like bib is, obviously, but it and the other things in the basket were very much blue and not pink). I don't know if that's just because it's what I know, or if it's a sign . . . but to test myself after I made that realization, I went and looked at some of the girl-oriented baby things for auction. I didn't feel the need to bid on them, like I did with the other items. Also, during church I caught myself thinking about boy names . . . again, could be just my inkling since I have already nearly raised one boy, and because the three babies who were baptised today (and thus whose names were on the nice big banner in the front of the church) were boys, and it could very well end up being pure coincidence that the bib that caught my eye was on a blue-themed basket.
And it could also be that I think too much.
Be that as it may, I can't wait to see how this story continues!!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
GOOD NEWS! (Well, not THE good news, but the "for now" good news!!
Got a letter in the mail today (after a crazy day at work -- it was just what I needed!) that says, in part:
YAY!!! In a move totally against our "we need to eat out less often and save more money" declaration, DH and I are going out to supper tonight to celebrate. And then we're going to clean ditches with the boy's confirmation class. And I'm going to work on NOT freaking out every time the phone rings. :)
*deep, cleansing, 'be patient, Grasshopper' breaths in . . . and out*
"CONGRATULATIONS on your home study approval! ... Your portfolio has been sent to our main office and you are officially in the book of waiting families. Your only job or project at this point is to wait for a call saying that you have been picked. That may happen sooner than you think, but it is always best to be prepared for a long wait."And we have a nice, suitable-for-framing, certificate from the state saying we have "been found to be in substantial compliance with Ch. DCF 56 of the Wisconsin Administrative Code" and are "licensed to conduct and maintain a foster home at [our home] address..."!! This is a requirement for our adoption process, which I think I've mentioned already. I'll probably just add it to my file of state licenses, although I do have a nice frame on my desk that I was going to put DS' school picture in . . . ;)
YAY!!! In a move totally against our "we need to eat out less often and save more money" declaration, DH and I are going out to supper tonight to celebrate. And then we're going to clean ditches with the boy's confirmation class. And I'm going to work on NOT freaking out every time the phone rings. :)
*deep, cleansing, 'be patient, Grasshopper' breaths in . . . and out*
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Dear God, grant me patience -- but please hurry!
I got hit with what I'm quite sure is just my first of many "impatience attacks" yesterday.
Of course, at this point we're just waiting for that piece of paper in the mailbox (our foster home license) that signifies the official completion and approval of our home study and symbolizes the fact that our info is officially "out there" waiting to be discovered by our birthmom and her unborn baby. After that, we'll be waiting for a phone call, and God only knows (literally) when or where we'll be when that happens. Last week, I barely thought about it at all; this week, I've caught myself holding my breath while opening the mailbox and going through the mail to see if our license is there. (Or maybe that "holding my breath" part has to do with the fields around here being fertilized and the wind blowing just so? I'll let you decide.)
Most of the time, I think I've done a good job so far staying patient when thinking about the waiting that lies ahead. I can easily convince myself that it'll be to our benefit if we don't get a phone call for a while, because we need to save some money (our next payment to the agency is due when we get matched, so it's a double-edged sword . . . we'd like to get matched right away, but we won't have the entire several-thousands-of-dollars saved up for a few more months) and continue making mental adjustments to the idea of having a new baby before it actually happens. I haven't done a thing with the spare bedroom since before our home visit -- the crib still lies in pieces in the pole barn, my nursing books and model horses and various piles of outgrown items to either give away or sell next spring at the yard sale I'm contemplating having are still taking over the spare bedroom. You wouldn't know it by looking at our house that we are anticipating the arrival of a new person "sometime", and for now, that's okay.
But yesterday, I don't know what happened, but I suddenly got very, very impatient. I hope we get matched right away, I can't stand waiting any longer, I know our birthmom is out there somewhere and I hope that next Monday she is at the agency's office bright and early and finds our portfolio!! Hey . . . it could happen. I see people with new babies all the time and I'm a new kind of excited for them, because I know that soon we will be in the same boat. I don't know what brought on yesterday's bought of extreme sudden impatience, but it was fierce and intense and the thought of having to maybe wait years before our match made me want to cry right then and there. I can't wait that long!! I'm almost 40, DS will be graduating high school in four more years and I want him to be here to experience as much of it as he can, time is short and babies are born every hour of every day so . . .
Le sigh.
I'm over it now -- I was "over it" last night, honestly, once I distracted my poor little mind with some other topic. Or should I say, for now I'm over it. I know it'll be back. I guess this was probably my warning that I better have some coping mechanisms in place.
It's weird. I feel somewhat like a tightly-wound spring that is ready to be called into action, but not yet. I mean, once things start happening (i.e., we are matched) it sounds like a lot of things will be going on in a short amount of time. If we get to meet the birthmom earlier in her pregnancy, we'll have that time to get to know each other and discuss our plans for keeping in touch and all that. If it's later in the pregnancy, we'll have even less time to cover that same ground. And if it's not until she's in the hospital and has delivered, well, a whole lotta things will be happening in a short amount of time!!
I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I could just get a sign from God about how long this is going to take. Writing about it now is making me feel impatient again.
I have faith . . . I know God has a plan and that His plan is perfect. His birth plan with DS couldn't have been more perfect if He'd asked me to write it myself -- I am NOT a patient person (as you may have gathered) and I was scared to death about being in labor (which, of course, = PAIN) for a long time. I asked for an epidural in my 6th month of pregnancy. I took Lamaze classes and everything, but I was all about getting as much pain medication as I could, as soon as I could. I just knew I was going to be one of those moms who spent 24+ hours in labor and pushed for six hours . . . but He knew better. I was actually only in labor for about two hours, and pushed for about fifteen minutes -- all WITHOUT any pain medication!! All my worries were for nothing. Everything went well, my perfect baby boy was born without any complications and with Apgar scores of 9 and 10, and he was showing off his strong lungs before he was even completely delivered. The best writers in the world couldn't have scripted it better.
I know God has our script written for this journey, as well, and I know in my heart of hearts that it is also perfect and nothing I can do will change it. I just pray that I will continue to find sources of redirection when the not-knowing gets to be too much for me to take. I know that, for one thing, there are lots and lots of new crochet patterns I have pinned on Pinterest that I want to try, and it's getting cool enough now to start crocheting again . . .
And on that note, I will sign off. For now. :)
Of course, at this point we're just waiting for that piece of paper in the mailbox (our foster home license) that signifies the official completion and approval of our home study and symbolizes the fact that our info is officially "out there" waiting to be discovered by our birthmom and her unborn baby. After that, we'll be waiting for a phone call, and God only knows (literally) when or where we'll be when that happens. Last week, I barely thought about it at all; this week, I've caught myself holding my breath while opening the mailbox and going through the mail to see if our license is there. (Or maybe that "holding my breath" part has to do with the fields around here being fertilized and the wind blowing just so? I'll let you decide.)
Most of the time, I think I've done a good job so far staying patient when thinking about the waiting that lies ahead. I can easily convince myself that it'll be to our benefit if we don't get a phone call for a while, because we need to save some money (our next payment to the agency is due when we get matched, so it's a double-edged sword . . . we'd like to get matched right away, but we won't have the entire several-thousands-of-dollars saved up for a few more months) and continue making mental adjustments to the idea of having a new baby before it actually happens. I haven't done a thing with the spare bedroom since before our home visit -- the crib still lies in pieces in the pole barn, my nursing books and model horses and various piles of outgrown items to either give away or sell next spring at the yard sale I'm contemplating having are still taking over the spare bedroom. You wouldn't know it by looking at our house that we are anticipating the arrival of a new person "sometime", and for now, that's okay.
But yesterday, I don't know what happened, but I suddenly got very, very impatient. I hope we get matched right away, I can't stand waiting any longer, I know our birthmom is out there somewhere and I hope that next Monday she is at the agency's office bright and early and finds our portfolio!! Hey . . . it could happen. I see people with new babies all the time and I'm a new kind of excited for them, because I know that soon we will be in the same boat. I don't know what brought on yesterday's bought of extreme sudden impatience, but it was fierce and intense and the thought of having to maybe wait years before our match made me want to cry right then and there. I can't wait that long!! I'm almost 40, DS will be graduating high school in four more years and I want him to be here to experience as much of it as he can, time is short and babies are born every hour of every day so . . .
Le sigh.
I'm over it now -- I was "over it" last night, honestly, once I distracted my poor little mind with some other topic. Or should I say, for now I'm over it. I know it'll be back. I guess this was probably my warning that I better have some coping mechanisms in place.
It's weird. I feel somewhat like a tightly-wound spring that is ready to be called into action, but not yet. I mean, once things start happening (i.e., we are matched) it sounds like a lot of things will be going on in a short amount of time. If we get to meet the birthmom earlier in her pregnancy, we'll have that time to get to know each other and discuss our plans for keeping in touch and all that. If it's later in the pregnancy, we'll have even less time to cover that same ground. And if it's not until she's in the hospital and has delivered, well, a whole lotta things will be happening in a short amount of time!!
I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I could just get a sign from God about how long this is going to take. Writing about it now is making me feel impatient again.
I have faith . . . I know God has a plan and that His plan is perfect. His birth plan with DS couldn't have been more perfect if He'd asked me to write it myself -- I am NOT a patient person (as you may have gathered) and I was scared to death about being in labor (which, of course, = PAIN) for a long time. I asked for an epidural in my 6th month of pregnancy. I took Lamaze classes and everything, but I was all about getting as much pain medication as I could, as soon as I could. I just knew I was going to be one of those moms who spent 24+ hours in labor and pushed for six hours . . . but He knew better. I was actually only in labor for about two hours, and pushed for about fifteen minutes -- all WITHOUT any pain medication!! All my worries were for nothing. Everything went well, my perfect baby boy was born without any complications and with Apgar scores of 9 and 10, and he was showing off his strong lungs before he was even completely delivered. The best writers in the world couldn't have scripted it better.
I know God has our script written for this journey, as well, and I know in my heart of hearts that it is also perfect and nothing I can do will change it. I just pray that I will continue to find sources of redirection when the not-knowing gets to be too much for me to take. I know that, for one thing, there are lots and lots of new crochet patterns I have pinned on Pinterest that I want to try, and it's getting cool enough now to start crocheting again . . .
And on that note, I will sign off. For now. :)
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Nothing new, just me rambling.
I've been trying to find the right word or combination of words to describe what "right now" feels like. I'm not having much luck! Essentially, we have about one more week to go until our official approval is expected to come through -- and that's when our portfolios and resume letters will be officially out there for prospective birthmoms to see. We're waiting to wait. And there's not much to say about that. Not yet, anyway.
I guess I've been thinking a lot lately about what "family" means. What immediately comes to mind is a line from nursing school (I hate to keep referencing nursing school, but it was a pretty pivotal time in my life, and I learned a LOT of things during that time -- some of which actually have to do with working as a nurse): "Family is whatever a person says it is." The same was also said about pain . . . coincidence? I'll save that topic for another time. :)
The implication there, of course, is that even though our relation to certain people can be defined by a nice little label such as "sibling" or "parent", the true meaning of the relationship can only be defined by those who are in said relationship. This line of thinking is not just relevant to adoptive situations, as many of us know far too well. What does "family" mean to you? Is it limited to the people to whom you are related by blood or law? Or are you, like me, fortunate enough to have friends in your life that you consider "family"? I don't want to go too far off on this tangent right now, because my drive toward this line of pondering has to do with a lot of non-adoption-related things that I don't feel like sharing with the general public at this time.
But I can also tie it in with the adoption-related ponderings, because in many of the things I've read about adoption, the question comes up about whether it's possible for someone to love and accept another person as their own family, even if they're not blood relatives. I'm feeling pretty confident about that one, personally. I'm not sure why, exactly; I have nothing tangible to base these feelings on, but I have an odd sense of peace and confidence about the fact that I will be able to accept and love a child birthed by another woman as my own.
One thing that is on my mind a lot, is how DS is going to adjust to having a new family member, to not being the only child anymore, to being a big brother . . . and to not being the center of his parents' attention anymore. I have always had the feeling that he would make a great big brother and am thrilled for him as much as for DH and I that we will be able to give him that opportunity. He says he's looking forward to it, and I don't doubt that . . . but I just wonder what's actually going on in his head sometimes. We encourage him to ask any questions he might have at any time, but he hasn't really asked many. I try to think about what my reaction would have been at age 14 if my parents had told me they were adopting a newborn, but that's like comparing apples to oranges -- DS at age 14 is so completely opposite of where I was at age 14, and that's a GOOD thing!! ;)
Likewise, I find myself wondering what it's going to be like having two children when I've only ever known what it's like to have one. Will I be able to love them both the same, without taking anything away from either one?? Can I possibly love another child as much as I love the boy? I think I can, but sometimes it doesn't seem possible or even fair to imagine that. I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't want the boy to feel slighted. I don't want him to feel like it's not fair that this new person is going to be coming into our lives and demanding attention and changes from all of us. Then again, he is a teenager, so he's probably going to think at some point that it's not fair . . . LE SIGH. Maybe he'll end up resenting us because we didn't adopt another child sooner. There are just so many options to think about, so many things for which to try to be prepared, I've come to the conclusion that it's more or less impossible to be prepared and we'll just have to take things as they come and have faith that it will all work out.
And part of that is going ahead and making plans to do things we'd normally do, like chaperoning overnight trips with marching band, or hoping to chaperone the choir trip to New York next spring, or chaperoning at confirmation camp also next spring, and such . . . although now in the back of my head, whenever I sign up to help with one thing or another, I'm wondering What will happen if we get a call about a match meeting while we're gone? or even, What if we have a baby by then? It could happen. I know we can't put all of our plans and our lives on hold waiting for the next step, but the thought is always there, at least for me. Where will I be when we get the call? Hopefully in town, hopefully not wrapped up in something I can't get out of, but we all know life doesn't always take our personal schedules into consideration.
Well, whatever. It is what it is, and it will be what it will be, and we'll deal with the issues that come up when they come up. I don't want to worry about anything for no reason when that can be avoided. It's a fine line between feeling like you're preparing yourself for any possible situation, and worrying too much.
Today I'm thankful for friends who are more like family and for "long-lost" family with whom I've regained contact in the last few years. I am a lucky girl, indeed, to be surrounded by so much friendship and love! I pray that God will continue to guide me in those matters regarding "family" which confuse, befuddle, irritate, upset, and hurt me, and not let those matters cloud the fact that I am surrounded by people who love me unconditionally (and vice versa) regardless of how we are related. I also thank Him for allowing me (us) this opportunity to be "family" to someone else, someone we don't even know yet.
Until next time . . .
I guess I've been thinking a lot lately about what "family" means. What immediately comes to mind is a line from nursing school (I hate to keep referencing nursing school, but it was a pretty pivotal time in my life, and I learned a LOT of things during that time -- some of which actually have to do with working as a nurse): "Family is whatever a person says it is." The same was also said about pain . . . coincidence? I'll save that topic for another time. :)
The implication there, of course, is that even though our relation to certain people can be defined by a nice little label such as "sibling" or "parent", the true meaning of the relationship can only be defined by those who are in said relationship. This line of thinking is not just relevant to adoptive situations, as many of us know far too well. What does "family" mean to you? Is it limited to the people to whom you are related by blood or law? Or are you, like me, fortunate enough to have friends in your life that you consider "family"? I don't want to go too far off on this tangent right now, because my drive toward this line of pondering has to do with a lot of non-adoption-related things that I don't feel like sharing with the general public at this time.
But I can also tie it in with the adoption-related ponderings, because in many of the things I've read about adoption, the question comes up about whether it's possible for someone to love and accept another person as their own family, even if they're not blood relatives. I'm feeling pretty confident about that one, personally. I'm not sure why, exactly; I have nothing tangible to base these feelings on, but I have an odd sense of peace and confidence about the fact that I will be able to accept and love a child birthed by another woman as my own.
One thing that is on my mind a lot, is how DS is going to adjust to having a new family member, to not being the only child anymore, to being a big brother . . . and to not being the center of his parents' attention anymore. I have always had the feeling that he would make a great big brother and am thrilled for him as much as for DH and I that we will be able to give him that opportunity. He says he's looking forward to it, and I don't doubt that . . . but I just wonder what's actually going on in his head sometimes. We encourage him to ask any questions he might have at any time, but he hasn't really asked many. I try to think about what my reaction would have been at age 14 if my parents had told me they were adopting a newborn, but that's like comparing apples to oranges -- DS at age 14 is so completely opposite of where I was at age 14, and that's a GOOD thing!! ;)
Likewise, I find myself wondering what it's going to be like having two children when I've only ever known what it's like to have one. Will I be able to love them both the same, without taking anything away from either one?? Can I possibly love another child as much as I love the boy? I think I can, but sometimes it doesn't seem possible or even fair to imagine that. I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't want the boy to feel slighted. I don't want him to feel like it's not fair that this new person is going to be coming into our lives and demanding attention and changes from all of us. Then again, he is a teenager, so he's probably going to think at some point that it's not fair . . . LE SIGH. Maybe he'll end up resenting us because we didn't adopt another child sooner. There are just so many options to think about, so many things for which to try to be prepared, I've come to the conclusion that it's more or less impossible to be prepared and we'll just have to take things as they come and have faith that it will all work out.
And part of that is going ahead and making plans to do things we'd normally do, like chaperoning overnight trips with marching band, or hoping to chaperone the choir trip to New York next spring, or chaperoning at confirmation camp also next spring, and such . . . although now in the back of my head, whenever I sign up to help with one thing or another, I'm wondering What will happen if we get a call about a match meeting while we're gone? or even, What if we have a baby by then? It could happen. I know we can't put all of our plans and our lives on hold waiting for the next step, but the thought is always there, at least for me. Where will I be when we get the call? Hopefully in town, hopefully not wrapped up in something I can't get out of, but we all know life doesn't always take our personal schedules into consideration.
Well, whatever. It is what it is, and it will be what it will be, and we'll deal with the issues that come up when they come up. I don't want to worry about anything for no reason when that can be avoided. It's a fine line between feeling like you're preparing yourself for any possible situation, and worrying too much.
Today I'm thankful for friends who are more like family and for "long-lost" family with whom I've regained contact in the last few years. I am a lucky girl, indeed, to be surrounded by so much friendship and love! I pray that God will continue to guide me in those matters regarding "family" which confuse, befuddle, irritate, upset, and hurt me, and not let those matters cloud the fact that I am surrounded by people who love me unconditionally (and vice versa) regardless of how we are related. I also thank Him for allowing me (us) this opportunity to be "family" to someone else, someone we don't even know yet.
Until next time . . .
Sunday, September 9, 2012
The calm before the storm, part one.
With nothing to work on right now, well at least no paperwork to fill out or produce and no information to gather, I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit lost. It's been ten months since we attended that first informational meeting, ten months since we decided to go forward with our wishes to become an adoptive family. For ten months we've had various layers of "stuff" piled on our plates, and have been slowly chipping away at it . . . and now, just like that, it's over. There is nothing else we personally can do to move this process forward. For now, "our part" is done. (Well, except the praying, which continues in full force!) Our portfolios, which for weeks now have been my tangible, concrete symbols of the heart of our journey thus far, are in someone's office somewhere, maybe, I don't know for sure. I kind of miss them; it brought me comfort to look at those pages. I do have my partially-colored copy to fall back on now, and I did scan in all of the pages as well, but it's not the same.
I've been reading some books on open adoption, and one that I'm currently reading struck a particular chord earlier today. (I'd share the title of the book, but I don't remember it off hand, and it's on my Kindle which is upstairs on my headboard where my hubby and the dogs are sound asleep, and I don't want to wake them up right now!) An adoptive mom was talking about how she felt once she had submitted all of her paperwork and dossier (hers was an international adoption) -- she said she felt like the responsibility was lifted off of her shoulders. That pretty much describes how I feel right now. It's confusing, though, because it's a mixed feeling for me. I feel accomplished that we actually got through that mountain range of paperwork and jumped through so many hoops that I'm going to petition to make hoop-jumping an Olympic event. I'm glad that "we" are done for now, and that a very important milestone step is just two weeks away.
But I'm also feeling, like I said, lost. Empty, because there's nothing more I can do on our behalf to get this party started. I did literally everything I could possibly have done to make this happen. I never realized how much of a control freak I can be until we started going through this process, ha, ha. I like to know what's going on, and when, and what I can do to push it along if I think it's not going quickly enough. What can I do to help? That's just how I am; I am a helper. That's why most of my jobs up until now have had the word "assistant" in them . . . nursing assistant, administrative assistant, development assistant, library assistant. Proofreader doesn't have the word "assistant" in it, but it's helping fix something that someone else did. I'm not as much of a leader as I am the person standing right behind the leader, making them look good. (I read that in an astrology book when I was a kid, and it has always stuck with me as a pretty darn accurate description of my preferred placement -- and I was surprised to see it listed as a Virgo trait.)
So now, while I'm thrilled to be done with the "work" part of it at this point, I feel a little disconnected from the process because the ball isn't in my court anymore. Although, with all the administrative mumbo-jumbo out of the way, I am finding myself able to focus more on visualizing the fruit of our labors . . . the fact that we're going to be parents again, that we are going to have another baby, that we're going to be a family of four, and that my baby boy is going to be somebody's big brother! I will actually be able to refer to "my kids" and not be referring to my pets! Maybe I'll get to say "my boys", or "my son and my daughter".
But then part of me puts the brakes on that kind of thinking at a certain point, too, because I don't want to get TOO excited about it yet. This could be a long haul and I don't want to get burnt out right away. Hence why the crib is still in pieces in the pole barn . . . it doesn't feel right to bring it into the house yet.
That's another thing I'm wrestling with a bit lately . . . with my "to-do" list annihilated, our actions for the next [time frame until we get matched] aren't based on anything concrete, know what I mean? It's entirely feeling-based until we get to the next step. If it feels right to start putting the baby's room together, we could, but we don't have to. Everything we will need to take care of a newborn for the first few weeks/months can be picked up and brought home on the way from the hospital, if necessary. We don't HAVE to get things ready right now -- only what we feel like doing. Without knowing when "our" due date is, we don't have guidelines to follow right now. If we go ahead and set the room up now, and end up waiting two years or more, seeing that empty room is just going to be a (painful?) reminder. But if we wait until the baby is here, maybe we'll be too tired to set everything up the way we'd like it.
I guess what I'm saying is that I don't do well, generally, without guidelines, or a time frame, or something to work with -- some small things I can check off my "to-do" list that will help us reach that final goal. So this is a challenge for me already, but that's alright, I know I'm up for it! "Don't tell God about your problems, tell your problems about your God!" is my latest favorite saying/personal reminder. He's got this; I don't need to worry and there's nothing I can do but keep praying.
On that note . . . time for me to get to work! It's my "Friday" . . . I love having a screwy schedule and celebrating the end of my work week while most of the rest of the world is mourning the ending of the weekend and preparing to start their work week. Heh heh heh heh . . .
Later, gators!
I've been reading some books on open adoption, and one that I'm currently reading struck a particular chord earlier today. (I'd share the title of the book, but I don't remember it off hand, and it's on my Kindle which is upstairs on my headboard where my hubby and the dogs are sound asleep, and I don't want to wake them up right now!) An adoptive mom was talking about how she felt once she had submitted all of her paperwork and dossier (hers was an international adoption) -- she said she felt like the responsibility was lifted off of her shoulders. That pretty much describes how I feel right now. It's confusing, though, because it's a mixed feeling for me. I feel accomplished that we actually got through that mountain range of paperwork and jumped through so many hoops that I'm going to petition to make hoop-jumping an Olympic event. I'm glad that "we" are done for now, and that a very important milestone step is just two weeks away.
But I'm also feeling, like I said, lost. Empty, because there's nothing more I can do on our behalf to get this party started. I did literally everything I could possibly have done to make this happen. I never realized how much of a control freak I can be until we started going through this process, ha, ha. I like to know what's going on, and when, and what I can do to push it along if I think it's not going quickly enough. What can I do to help? That's just how I am; I am a helper. That's why most of my jobs up until now have had the word "assistant" in them . . . nursing assistant, administrative assistant, development assistant, library assistant. Proofreader doesn't have the word "assistant" in it, but it's helping fix something that someone else did. I'm not as much of a leader as I am the person standing right behind the leader, making them look good. (I read that in an astrology book when I was a kid, and it has always stuck with me as a pretty darn accurate description of my preferred placement -- and I was surprised to see it listed as a Virgo trait.)
So now, while I'm thrilled to be done with the "work" part of it at this point, I feel a little disconnected from the process because the ball isn't in my court anymore. Although, with all the administrative mumbo-jumbo out of the way, I am finding myself able to focus more on visualizing the fruit of our labors . . . the fact that we're going to be parents again, that we are going to have another baby, that we're going to be a family of four, and that my baby boy is going to be somebody's big brother! I will actually be able to refer to "my kids" and not be referring to my pets! Maybe I'll get to say "my boys", or "my son and my daughter".
But then part of me puts the brakes on that kind of thinking at a certain point, too, because I don't want to get TOO excited about it yet. This could be a long haul and I don't want to get burnt out right away. Hence why the crib is still in pieces in the pole barn . . . it doesn't feel right to bring it into the house yet.
That's another thing I'm wrestling with a bit lately . . . with my "to-do" list annihilated, our actions for the next [time frame until we get matched] aren't based on anything concrete, know what I mean? It's entirely feeling-based until we get to the next step. If it feels right to start putting the baby's room together, we could, but we don't have to. Everything we will need to take care of a newborn for the first few weeks/months can be picked up and brought home on the way from the hospital, if necessary. We don't HAVE to get things ready right now -- only what we feel like doing. Without knowing when "our" due date is, we don't have guidelines to follow right now. If we go ahead and set the room up now, and end up waiting two years or more, seeing that empty room is just going to be a (painful?) reminder. But if we wait until the baby is here, maybe we'll be too tired to set everything up the way we'd like it.
I guess what I'm saying is that I don't do well, generally, without guidelines, or a time frame, or something to work with -- some small things I can check off my "to-do" list that will help us reach that final goal. So this is a challenge for me already, but that's alright, I know I'm up for it! "Don't tell God about your problems, tell your problems about your God!" is my latest favorite saying/personal reminder. He's got this; I don't need to worry and there's nothing I can do but keep praying.
On that note . . . time for me to get to work! It's my "Friday" . . . I love having a screwy schedule and celebrating the end of my work week while most of the rest of the world is mourning the ending of the weekend and preparing to start their work week. Heh heh heh heh . . .
Later, gators!
Friday, September 7, 2012
Home Study: DONE!!
Unless you've been living in a cave, or this is the first time you've 'met' me, you probably already know that yesterday was our home visit. And as previously predicted, I worried for nothing! I'll just go ahead and say it and get it over with . . . I don't know why I was so worried! There. Done. :)
Our caseworker was here for about an hour and a half. During most of that time, the three of us were seated at the kitchen table, going over paperwork and discussing the results of our Prepare-Enrich assessment (guess what . . . we're compatible! I was very relieved to hear that; I guess we're good for another 16 years or more!). We had to show certified copies of our birth certificates and marriage license. I happily submitted the stack of various forms that represented completing all of the items on my "to-do" list. We talked about what to expect next, and discussed how our views of open adoption have changed from our very first information meeting until now, and went through a medium-sized forest of paperwork. It was pretty painless. We gave her a tour of our home so she could verify that we have enough room to expand our family (we do!).
I don't know if I've mentioned yet that as part of this process, we have to become licensed as a foster home. The reason for that is because there will be a period of time after the birthparents terminate their parental rights but before the adoption is finalized when the child will legally be in the guardianship of our agency, but in our care -- and that's foster care. After our adoption is finalized, we no longer need to keep up our licensure. Anyway, now our caseworker will be writing up her report of our homestudy, and in about two weeks we should receive our official notice of approval and foster care licensure. That is when our resume' letters and portfolios will be officially available to interested birthmoms!!
We have the option of having an online presence as well, through the agency's website. I'm not sure if we'll go that route yet, or not. On one hand, I want to because it will make us more visible . . . but on the other hand I don't, because I don't know if I want us to be THAT visible. We can make the decision whether to go online or not at any time, so for now we're waiting for our caseworker to email us more information about it (i.e., costs) and keeping it in the back of our minds.
So . . . that's where we're at!! As one of my friends (who has been down this road once already) pointed out, the easy part is over. I don't doubt that for a second, even though it hasn't really sunk in yet. Obviously I'm well aware of the fact that we're done with this step -- there's a big empty spot on my shelf where the portfolios and resume' letters used to live (and I have to admit, a piece of my heart left the house with them!) -- but we still have two weeks until we go "live". I can only imagine what it's going to feel like to know that our portfolios are actually out there and could be viewed at any time. Our caseworker told us that we can contact her as often as we want for updates, and included in that "update" is how many times our portfolio has been viewed. That's possibly dangerous information -- I'm not sure yet if I'll want to know, or how often! I'm not worried about it right now.
Oddly enough, I'm not feeling honestly "worried" about anything right now. I feel like things are progressing as they are meant to be. I don't think I've ever felt this calm and confident about any major life-changing events in the history of man (or at least, me). It's an unfamiliar yet calming feeling. I wish I could bottle this calm confidence so I can use it later when I'm driving myself nuts because the phone isn't ringing! :)
I suppose I better wrap this up for now. DS is playing in his first half-time show tonight, and I need to get a little more sleep before I work overnight shift #3 of 5 tonight. Sleep hasn't been coming to me easily lately . . . guess I've had a few things on my mind that all seem to culminate when I lay down and close my eyes! But since I can almost fall asleep standing up right now, I better get the boy to school and then reacquaint myself with my awesome bed and pillow.
Take care, and thank you in advance for your continued thoughts, prayers, and support while we enter The Big Wait portion of our journey!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
T-minus 30 hours and counting . . . but who's counting?!
Our home visit is tomorrow!! I'm so wound up, you'd think it's the day before our match meeting or something! I'm not so much nervous and fearful as I am just anxious to get this step over with. Experience has taught me that 9.85 times out of 10, I worry about big, important things (like exams, group presentations, and home visits) for no good reason, and when it's all said and done I end up saying things like, "Why was I so worried about that?!"
I wish I knew exactly why I'm so worried. I have the utmost faith that this is the path we are meant to be on right now. I guess I'm just afraid of something coming up that I wasn't expecting. But that's just my nature, I guess. I have an innate fear of being caught unprepared. You have to realize, I spent three-and-a-half semesters of my four-semester nursing program convinced that something would come up that was overlooked during my intense application process, and I'd be unceremoniously kicked out of the program. For real. Anytime one of the office people would interrupt class to talk to the instructor, I was convinced that they were coming to kick me out. I wish I was kidding. Of course, I didn't get kicked out, in fact I passed the course with honors, but that's just how my mind works. And the more important and impactful something has the potential to be in my life, the more I tend to worry needlessly about it. Oh, it's such a curse being me sometimes . . . hahahaha.
I just keep reminding myself of the title I chose for this very blog . . . "Let go, and let God." It wasn't difficult to come up with that title, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the one who "chose" it, either. We are not alone on this journey. Not only are we blessed with supportive friends and family, but God is so present in our lives all the time . . . the support is so overwhelming sometimes!! I don't think I really started to grasp the meaning of the term "something bigger than us" until recently. I'm not sure where exactly I'm going with this. I think the Benadryl I took this morning, and the caffeine I didn't, is starting to kick in. I didn't sleep well last night (I was on call for the overnight shift, and I don't tend to sleep well when that happens because I worry about missing the phone if it rings. But last night, I was even dreaming that the phone was ringing; talk about mind games!) and should be sleeping right now since I'm working the overnight shift tonight. But I just keep thinking about tomorrow . . . and then thinking things like, I wonder how long it will take to be matched? It could be soon, and it's getting closer and closer every minute. I wonder about our birthmom, a LOT. I wonder where she's at right now, of course I wonder whether she's pregnant yet or not. Is she across town or across the state? "I can only imagine . . . "
Alright, now I'm just rambling. I need to get some sleep or tonight's shift will be very long and painful! Thank you for reading our blog and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I wish I could put into words how much your support means to me, and to all of us . . .
I wish I knew exactly why I'm so worried. I have the utmost faith that this is the path we are meant to be on right now. I guess I'm just afraid of something coming up that I wasn't expecting. But that's just my nature, I guess. I have an innate fear of being caught unprepared. You have to realize, I spent three-and-a-half semesters of my four-semester nursing program convinced that something would come up that was overlooked during my intense application process, and I'd be unceremoniously kicked out of the program. For real. Anytime one of the office people would interrupt class to talk to the instructor, I was convinced that they were coming to kick me out. I wish I was kidding. Of course, I didn't get kicked out, in fact I passed the course with honors, but that's just how my mind works. And the more important and impactful something has the potential to be in my life, the more I tend to worry needlessly about it. Oh, it's such a curse being me sometimes . . . hahahaha.
I just keep reminding myself of the title I chose for this very blog . . . "Let go, and let God." It wasn't difficult to come up with that title, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the one who "chose" it, either. We are not alone on this journey. Not only are we blessed with supportive friends and family, but God is so present in our lives all the time . . . the support is so overwhelming sometimes!! I don't think I really started to grasp the meaning of the term "something bigger than us" until recently. I'm not sure where exactly I'm going with this. I think the Benadryl I took this morning, and the caffeine I didn't, is starting to kick in. I didn't sleep well last night (I was on call for the overnight shift, and I don't tend to sleep well when that happens because I worry about missing the phone if it rings. But last night, I was even dreaming that the phone was ringing; talk about mind games!) and should be sleeping right now since I'm working the overnight shift tonight. But I just keep thinking about tomorrow . . . and then thinking things like, I wonder how long it will take to be matched? It could be soon, and it's getting closer and closer every minute. I wonder about our birthmom, a LOT. I wonder where she's at right now, of course I wonder whether she's pregnant yet or not. Is she across town or across the state? "I can only imagine . . . "
Alright, now I'm just rambling. I need to get some sleep or tonight's shift will be very long and painful! Thank you for reading our blog and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I wish I could put into words how much your support means to me, and to all of us . . .
Monday, September 3, 2012
Three days until the home visit!
I can't believe it's so close already! I know I shouldn't be, and I'm fairly certain that once the home visit is over I will be wondering what I was so worried about, but I'm very nervous for the home visit. I think it has to do with my introvertical tendencies, actually. The idea of someone I barely know coming into my house and inspecting every room makes me feel like I'm being dragged just a titch out of my comfort zone. And for the record, "inspect" is MY word, not theirs. I've been assured that there will be no white gloves involved in this visit. Suffice to say that I will be very, very glad when the home visit is over -- for more reasons than one!
I've allowed myself a few brief moments of imagining what life will be like after Thursday . . . or better yet, after approximately two weeks from Friday, which is when our home visit should be officially "approved" and our portfolios available for potential birthmoms to see. I imagine that it won't be much different than it is now . . . at least not on the outside. I've never been good at playing the waiting game, and this is like THE ultimate match for me. If ever I have needed to learn to be patient, it is now. This waiting game will make anything else I've had to wait for in my life seem like nothing, or so I'm guessing. That's okay -- I can do it. I know I can do it. I know it won't be easy, but it seems like nothing worthwhile in life comes easily . . .
We spent some time in our classes talking about things to do while waiting to be matched after the home study. I've actually got a short list going already (but not on paper, yet) of Things To Do After The Home Study. I should maybe put that list on paper now, since "the time" is drawing near! One thing that is at the top of that list is to apply for grants. Some time ago (as in late last year or early this one) I hit the interwebs and looked up sources of grants to use toward adoption fees. The good news was that I found quite a few for which we'd be eligible, but the bad news was that none of them would even consider applications unless the applicant(s) had completed their home study. So that's been on the back burner for a while, but will be pulled up again soon.
The other thing I'm planning on doing during our wait is attempting to induce lactation. In myself. (Just to clarify, ha! ha!) I don't remember exactly when DH and I discussed this option, but I'm pretty sure it went something like this:
"My call", indeed! After some online research, and talking to several lactation consultants (and even a mother of twins who succeeded in "beefing up" her milk supply when she wasn't producing enough for both of her babies), I've decided it's the route I want to take. I'm trying not to say things like "attempting to" or "trying to" because I'm a believer in the power of positive thinking. I'm also trying to remind myself that the internet is full of negativity, and so just because I've read online that it's not easy to induce lactation and also that most adoptive moms who successfully induce lactation still aren't able to produce enough to exclusively nourish their new babies, doesn't mean that's how it's going to be for me. I've heard that it does happen more easily for moms who have successfully breastfed before, and that would be where I fit in!! So . . . the big questions are, when do I start trying, and how do I start trying?
The "when" has always been "after the home study is finalized". This is my own timeline, set by me, because I want to make sure I have enough time to get things going before we get placed. I don't want to wait until we're matched -- I just feel like I'll need more time than that. Of course, I could start lactating abundantly right away and not matched for a while, in which case, we have a chest freezer (no pun intended). That answers that question, and also means that I'll need to start in just a few more days.
Which leads to the "how". From what I've read, offline and on, and discussed with others and heard personally from people who have had success in this area, there are two general ways to go about this: with drugs, or without. Let me just put my little disclaimer in here that what I'm going to share is based solely on my own research and is NOT in any way, shape, or form intended to be advice for others. Okay? Okay. There are certain medications out there that have the side effect of inducing or increasing lactation, but I shan't mention them by name because they aren't FDA-approved for that use. In fact, one of them isn't even legal in the United States, and I'm not so sure I want to risk buying meds from Mexico even for this purpose, so I'm leaning away from the pharmaceutically-assisted route. There are also hormonal supplements which are said to be helpful, which makes sense since hormones play such a huge massive role in pregnancy and childbirth anyway -- but I'm not sure I want to go that route right away, either. Generally speaking, I don't like having to take pills.
But there are ways of stimulating hormonal activity other than oral supplementation . . . such as, mechanical stimulation! Some things I've read say the best way to induce lactation is to just start putting the baby to the breast as soon as possible. I've also read that using a good breast-pump is a sufficient way to get started before the baby arrives. That the action of pumping or suckling alone is enough to make a woman's body start producing milk, eventually. I guess we'll find out, because my plan is to start pumping -- and thinking back to my plan of "after the home study", it looks like I'll be starting this very soon! I'll see how it goes with that alone, and then consider another step in a few weeks or so if necessary. I really don't know what to expect. I'm sure it will be interesting . . . I only used a breast pump when DS was a baby on rare occasions, and even then it was a pain-in-the-butt manually-operated pump that made me feel not unlike a dairy cow. I bought a breast pump this summer that definitely lends to the feeling-like-a-dairy-cow persona. It requires a power source and can be hooked up to both breasts at the same time. I wonder if I can shove my head into a stanchion and chow down while this is happening, too, just for the full effect? If I start referring to myself as "Bessie" and wearing a cowbell around my neck, will someone please intervene? ;)
Alright, I kid . . . mostly. I've got the equipment, the motivation, and the determination to make this work. I am a firm believer in the benefits of breastmilk over formula (DS got both -- but mostly breastmilk for the first six months of his life) and, in all seriousness, I really want this plan to work. Not only is breastmilk more convenient and cheaper than formula, it's nature's most perfect infant nourishment. It's also a way for me to feel more physically connected to my adopted child -- not that I think that will be an issue, but, you know. It's a beautiful thing, and I don't want to deprive our next child of that experience.
So, there. After these last few entries, you probably know more about my mammaries than you ever imagined you'd want to know. I've certainly written about them more than I ever thought I would. Talk about pushing yourself to step outside of your comfort zone every now and again . . .
. . . and on that note, I will sign off. I got more cleaning done today and have just a little more finessing to do before Thursday, but plenty of time to get it done. Other than that, we're all just sitting around watching TV and enjoying each other's company. Tomorrow, my baby boy starts high school . . . AHHHHHHH!!!!!
Until next time . . .
I've allowed myself a few brief moments of imagining what life will be like after Thursday . . . or better yet, after approximately two weeks from Friday, which is when our home visit should be officially "approved" and our portfolios available for potential birthmoms to see. I imagine that it won't be much different than it is now . . . at least not on the outside. I've never been good at playing the waiting game, and this is like THE ultimate match for me. If ever I have needed to learn to be patient, it is now. This waiting game will make anything else I've had to wait for in my life seem like nothing, or so I'm guessing. That's okay -- I can do it. I know I can do it. I know it won't be easy, but it seems like nothing worthwhile in life comes easily . . .
We spent some time in our classes talking about things to do while waiting to be matched after the home study. I've actually got a short list going already (but not on paper, yet) of Things To Do After The Home Study. I should maybe put that list on paper now, since "the time" is drawing near! One thing that is at the top of that list is to apply for grants. Some time ago (as in late last year or early this one) I hit the interwebs and looked up sources of grants to use toward adoption fees. The good news was that I found quite a few for which we'd be eligible, but the bad news was that none of them would even consider applications unless the applicant(s) had completed their home study. So that's been on the back burner for a while, but will be pulled up again soon.
The other thing I'm planning on doing during our wait is attempting to induce lactation. In myself. (Just to clarify, ha! ha!) I don't remember exactly when DH and I discussed this option, but I'm pretty sure it went something like this:
Me: "I've been thinking that maybe 'we' should try breastfeeding our adopted baby."
DH: "That's your call. Sounds good to me."
"My call", indeed! After some online research, and talking to several lactation consultants (and even a mother of twins who succeeded in "beefing up" her milk supply when she wasn't producing enough for both of her babies), I've decided it's the route I want to take. I'm trying not to say things like "attempting to" or "trying to" because I'm a believer in the power of positive thinking. I'm also trying to remind myself that the internet is full of negativity, and so just because I've read online that it's not easy to induce lactation and also that most adoptive moms who successfully induce lactation still aren't able to produce enough to exclusively nourish their new babies, doesn't mean that's how it's going to be for me. I've heard that it does happen more easily for moms who have successfully breastfed before, and that would be where I fit in!! So . . . the big questions are, when do I start trying, and how do I start trying?
The "when" has always been "after the home study is finalized". This is my own timeline, set by me, because I want to make sure I have enough time to get things going before we get placed. I don't want to wait until we're matched -- I just feel like I'll need more time than that. Of course, I could start lactating abundantly right away and not matched for a while, in which case, we have a chest freezer (no pun intended). That answers that question, and also means that I'll need to start in just a few more days.
Which leads to the "how". From what I've read, offline and on, and discussed with others and heard personally from people who have had success in this area, there are two general ways to go about this: with drugs, or without. Let me just put my little disclaimer in here that what I'm going to share is based solely on my own research and is NOT in any way, shape, or form intended to be advice for others. Okay? Okay. There are certain medications out there that have the side effect of inducing or increasing lactation, but I shan't mention them by name because they aren't FDA-approved for that use. In fact, one of them isn't even legal in the United States, and I'm not so sure I want to risk buying meds from Mexico even for this purpose, so I'm leaning away from the pharmaceutically-assisted route. There are also hormonal supplements which are said to be helpful, which makes sense since hormones play such a huge massive role in pregnancy and childbirth anyway -- but I'm not sure I want to go that route right away, either. Generally speaking, I don't like having to take pills.
But there are ways of stimulating hormonal activity other than oral supplementation . . . such as, mechanical stimulation! Some things I've read say the best way to induce lactation is to just start putting the baby to the breast as soon as possible. I've also read that using a good breast-pump is a sufficient way to get started before the baby arrives. That the action of pumping or suckling alone is enough to make a woman's body start producing milk, eventually. I guess we'll find out, because my plan is to start pumping -- and thinking back to my plan of "after the home study", it looks like I'll be starting this very soon! I'll see how it goes with that alone, and then consider another step in a few weeks or so if necessary. I really don't know what to expect. I'm sure it will be interesting . . . I only used a breast pump when DS was a baby on rare occasions, and even then it was a pain-in-the-butt manually-operated pump that made me feel not unlike a dairy cow. I bought a breast pump this summer that definitely lends to the feeling-like-a-dairy-cow persona. It requires a power source and can be hooked up to both breasts at the same time. I wonder if I can shove my head into a stanchion and chow down while this is happening, too, just for the full effect? If I start referring to myself as "Bessie" and wearing a cowbell around my neck, will someone please intervene? ;)
Alright, I kid . . . mostly. I've got the equipment, the motivation, and the determination to make this work. I am a firm believer in the benefits of breastmilk over formula (DS got both -- but mostly breastmilk for the first six months of his life) and, in all seriousness, I really want this plan to work. Not only is breastmilk more convenient and cheaper than formula, it's nature's most perfect infant nourishment. It's also a way for me to feel more physically connected to my adopted child -- not that I think that will be an issue, but, you know. It's a beautiful thing, and I don't want to deprive our next child of that experience.
So, there. After these last few entries, you probably know more about my mammaries than you ever imagined you'd want to know. I've certainly written about them more than I ever thought I would. Talk about pushing yourself to step outside of your comfort zone every now and again . . .
. . . and on that note, I will sign off. I got more cleaning done today and have just a little more finessing to do before Thursday, but plenty of time to get it done. Other than that, we're all just sitting around watching TV and enjoying each other's company. Tomorrow, my baby boy starts high school . . . AHHHHHHH!!!!!
Until next time . . .
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Six days until our home visit!
I really didn't mean for almost an entire week to pass between blog entries. This past week has been a busy and productive one, and I finally have time now to sit and write about it!
I suppose the big news is that we all had our physicals and have all been given clean bills of health! So all that's left to do is tidy up the house, make some copies, and wait anxiously and patiently for Thursday.
Actually, the REALLY big news isn't directly related to the adoption process, but I'll share it anyway because it could have been. At my physical on Tuesday morning, my doctor found a lump in one of my breasts. I diligently perform my SBE (self-breast exam) every month or so and hadn't found anything, so it came as a bit of a surprise to me. My doctor is awesome and quickly ordered diagnostic testing as soon as finding said lump, pretty much in the same breath. Thus, on Wednesday, I had the milestone experience of having my first mammogram. The long story short (and old news if you're friends with me on Facebook) is that no masses were found on the mammogram or the two ultrasounds I had immediately afterward -- Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!! One of the perks of not having a uterus anymore is that I don't menstruate anymore, and therefore I don't really ever know where I am in the cycle. That's not entirely true; sometimes I can tell, because having a hysterectomy might take away menstruation but it doesn't [necessarily] take away PMS! (At least not if it's a partial hysterectomy like mine and the woman retains one or both of her ovaries.) Anyway, it is completely normal for women to have cysts in their breasts that come and go depending on where they are in their cycles, and that is apparently what my deal was this time.
But that's another reason why I haven't posted any entries this week. After my physical was over, I was slightly irritated because my doctor wouldn't sign my health report until she had the results of the scans. I wasobsessed focused on the fact that without her signature, the health report wouldn't be complete and it would hold up the adoption process. Typical me -- I knew in my heart of hearts that if the worst should happen and there was any kind of malignancy, the resulting effect of having to put the adoption process on hold would be among the least of my concerns. I honestly wasn't scared for my own sake until Wednesday morning, for the short period of time immediately after my mammogram and before I could get down to ultrasound. I'd asked the techs who did my mammo if they could see anything suspicious (one of the benefits of doctoring where I work -- I know that techs aren't the ones that do the official diagnosing, but I also know that they know darn good and well what they're looking at, and was hoping to be able to gain some inside information by playing the Co-Worker card!) and the one looked at the other and the quickly back to me and said, "The radiologist will have to look at these and then she'll come talk to you." THAT is when my heart sank, and I was convinced that it was serious. For about ten minutes, I sat in the room with the mammogram machine, gowned from the waist up, waiting for what seemed like an eternity for the results. It got to where I couldn't even look at the nice, pretty poster in front of me because it was for the breast cancer awareness postage stamps, and I felt like those two words were bearing down on me and pushing me down with their weight. I was mentally sorting out who I would have to go home and call, and what I would say. "So this is how it's going to be, eh?" I thought to myself. I silently prayed the Lord's Prayer a few times and tried to focus on "staying strong" like everyone always says to do in grave situations.
And finally, one of the techs came back in the room and said, "The radiologist didn't find anything, so she wants to do any ultrasound to take a closer look." I breathed a huge sigh of relief, but was still confused; what did she mean by that, "didn't find anything"? My doctor had said that there was a 3.5cm mass; something that size definitely should have shown up on the mammogram! I know they had me squeezed in there good and tight . . . maybe she just meant "didn't find anything suspicious". I quickly convinced myself that it wasn't reassuring news, because if it didn't show up on the mammo then it must have been really deep, or something, and would be even harder to remove. I handled the whole psychological recoil of having my uterus removed without harboring any ideas that my womanhood was somehow threatened because I no longer possessed one of the gold standard hallmarks of femaleness. In other words, I don't feel like "less" of a woman because I don't have uterus and am infertile. But I wasn't so sure that I could muster up the same healthy dose of auto-identity if I had to have a mastectomy. Those are the thoughts that were going through my head as I waited anothereternity five minutes until the ultrasound room was available.
Obviously, as you know since I started with the end of the story, those were all moot points. I don't need to make "that call" to anyone, our adoption process remains on track, and I don't have to worry about whether to get implants or a prosthetic. The "girls" are fine and not going anywhere without me anytime soon. And again I say, Praise the Lord!! And also give thanks for the many people who were also praying for me during that time.
DH, DS and I went to the MN State Fair yesterday. I joked that it could very well be our last trip to the Fair without a stroller for another few years, and we all shared a good laugh. (I suspect DS' laugh was more of a "going with the flow" amusement, since he hasn't had the pleasure (?) of maneuvering a stroller through traffic yet.) We joked that we're totally going to get a side-by-side double stroller, because they are such crowd-friendly vehicles -- and even if we only have one baby, we can use the other side for all our stuff! (We learned that lesson quickly when DS was a baby, only the double stroller we'd somehow inherited was double the length instead of width.) We pointed out the different options for baby carriers and mused about what kind we thought would be best. Then we pondered the effects of wearing a baby on our nearly-40-year-old backs, and quickly changed the subject. I made a mental note to find some good strengthening exercises for my lower back. :)
The rest of the weekend, I plan on spending puttering around the house and finishing up some decluttering projects. I can't believe our home visit is this week!!! I'll try not to wait another week before posting again. :) Until next time . . .
I suppose the big news is that we all had our physicals and have all been given clean bills of health! So all that's left to do is tidy up the house, make some copies, and wait anxiously and patiently for Thursday.
Actually, the REALLY big news isn't directly related to the adoption process, but I'll share it anyway because it could have been. At my physical on Tuesday morning, my doctor found a lump in one of my breasts. I diligently perform my SBE (self-breast exam) every month or so and hadn't found anything, so it came as a bit of a surprise to me. My doctor is awesome and quickly ordered diagnostic testing as soon as finding said lump, pretty much in the same breath. Thus, on Wednesday, I had the milestone experience of having my first mammogram. The long story short (and old news if you're friends with me on Facebook) is that no masses were found on the mammogram or the two ultrasounds I had immediately afterward -- Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!! One of the perks of not having a uterus anymore is that I don't menstruate anymore, and therefore I don't really ever know where I am in the cycle. That's not entirely true; sometimes I can tell, because having a hysterectomy might take away menstruation but it doesn't [necessarily] take away PMS! (At least not if it's a partial hysterectomy like mine and the woman retains one or both of her ovaries.) Anyway, it is completely normal for women to have cysts in their breasts that come and go depending on where they are in their cycles, and that is apparently what my deal was this time.
But that's another reason why I haven't posted any entries this week. After my physical was over, I was slightly irritated because my doctor wouldn't sign my health report until she had the results of the scans. I was
And finally, one of the techs came back in the room and said, "The radiologist didn't find anything, so she wants to do any ultrasound to take a closer look." I breathed a huge sigh of relief, but was still confused; what did she mean by that, "didn't find anything"? My doctor had said that there was a 3.5cm mass; something that size definitely should have shown up on the mammogram! I know they had me squeezed in there good and tight . . . maybe she just meant "didn't find anything suspicious". I quickly convinced myself that it wasn't reassuring news, because if it didn't show up on the mammo then it must have been really deep, or something, and would be even harder to remove. I handled the whole psychological recoil of having my uterus removed without harboring any ideas that my womanhood was somehow threatened because I no longer possessed one of the gold standard hallmarks of femaleness. In other words, I don't feel like "less" of a woman because I don't have uterus and am infertile. But I wasn't so sure that I could muster up the same healthy dose of auto-identity if I had to have a mastectomy. Those are the thoughts that were going through my head as I waited another
Obviously, as you know since I started with the end of the story, those were all moot points. I don't need to make "that call" to anyone, our adoption process remains on track, and I don't have to worry about whether to get implants or a prosthetic. The "girls" are fine and not going anywhere without me anytime soon. And again I say, Praise the Lord!! And also give thanks for the many people who were also praying for me during that time.
DH, DS and I went to the MN State Fair yesterday. I joked that it could very well be our last trip to the Fair without a stroller for another few years, and we all shared a good laugh. (I suspect DS' laugh was more of a "going with the flow" amusement, since he hasn't had the pleasure (?) of maneuvering a stroller through traffic yet.) We joked that we're totally going to get a side-by-side double stroller, because they are such crowd-friendly vehicles -- and even if we only have one baby, we can use the other side for all our stuff! (We learned that lesson quickly when DS was a baby, only the double stroller we'd somehow inherited was double the length instead of width.) We pointed out the different options for baby carriers and mused about what kind we thought would be best. Then we pondered the effects of wearing a baby on our nearly-40-year-old backs, and quickly changed the subject. I made a mental note to find some good strengthening exercises for my lower back. :)
The rest of the weekend, I plan on spending puttering around the house and finishing up some decluttering projects. I can't believe our home visit is this week!!! I'll try not to wait another week before posting again. :) Until next time . . .
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