Adult temper-tantrum in 3...2......

Don't mind me...I'm having a moment.

A moment where I want to slam doors and throw things around.  I want to be loud and obnoxious.  I want to grab a sledgehammer and start demolishing the nearest wall.  I want to stomp my feet defiantly and stick my tongue out at the world.  I want everyone within the sound of my voice (or, errrr, within sight of this blog?) to know that I Am Here...and I. Am. IMPATIENT!!!

We got the quarterly "Review" email from our case worker this week.  I haven't responded yet, because I know I'm going to ask (as I always do) whether anyone has looked at our portfolio, and I'm just not in the mood right now to hear that no one has looked at it lately.  I could respond that there is absolutely positively nothing new with us and just skip the part where I ask if any has looked at "us"...yeah, no I couldn't.  I have to ask.  So I will.  Soon.

I'm also thinking that, perhaps joining a couple of adoption support groups on FB wasn't such a good idea; it is getting frustrating (and I hate to say that, but it is what it is) hearing about people who got matched in, like, thirty milliseconds after completing their homestudies.  Believe me when I say that I am really, really, really, really, really trying not to let things like this upset me...and most of the time, they don't.  But something snapped inside of me last night and now, I just really, really, really, really, really need to vent.

See?  I feel better already.

Sort of.

I've just never been a patient sort of person.  When I make up my mind that something needs to happen, I need it to happen NOW.  I was in labor with DS for all of two hours, and it still felt like forever to me.  As a kid, I used to get positively sick on Christmas Eve and the night before my birthday, because I could not tolerate sitting by and doing nothing (or even worse, trying to sleep!) on the cusp of such important, meaningful events.  If I had only known then that waiting to be chosen by an expectant mom would be just like 2am on Christmas morning (when it's way too early to get up but probably too late to fall back asleep), day after day after month after year...

I don't know what "then" I was going for with that "if".  It just sounded good in my head.

Anyway...I know this is all happening according to God's plan, and in His time and according to His will, and not ours.  I know that one day this will all make sense, and that His timing is perfect, and of course all the old cliche's like good things come to those who wait and patience is a virtue and all that.  But I'm only human.  I'm impatient, I want to know when things are going to happen and how they're going to happen and when they're going to happen so I can make the appropriate plans and provisions and get everything ready so things will just fall into place when they actually do happen.  I feel like a nervous racehorse crammed into the starting gate...I'm just waiting for that bell to ring and those doors to fly open so I can take off and make things happen.  But the bell isn't in my control, and this endless period of waiting and waiting and waiting can really mess with your mind sometimes!

And, if you know me, I don't have much of my mind left to be messed with...I need to preserve as much of it as I possibly can!  Ha, ha, ha.

Alright.  Time to get out of the house and do something.  DH is working today, so I think I will take the boy to get his hair cut (since it's almost longer than mine, again, and he just looooves hearing about how much he looks like his Mom when he has long hair!) and then I think we'll head into the Cities for a horse show.  Because that makes sense.  :D

Please pray for us...especially for patience, strength, and guidance.  Pray for the other waiting families, as well; especially those who have had failed matches.  Pray for the expectant parents who aren't sure what to do, and pray that whatever decisions they make are the best for their unborn babies, because that's really what it's all about.  I guess I could be glad that we haven't been matched yet, because that means there are fewer expectant parents out there who feel like the best thing they could do for their child is to have them raised by another family...but...yeah.  I'll leave it at that.

Until next time...

90 weeks...

636 days.  Nearly 21 months.  90 weeks.  15,000+ hours.  and counting...

Nothing new to report here.  Our next review is due this month, so I expect to hear from our case worker in the next week or two, and I will ask her if there's been any activity on our portfolio in the last few months.  I'm half expecting her to come back with some response like, "I'm sorry; who are you again?"
I paged through our copy of our portfolio the other day, just to make sure it still speaks from my heart.  (Well, our hearts, but since I did 98% of the actual work putting it together -- not to discredit DH and DS, who were very helpful in picking out pictures since I wanted to include every.single.one...)  It does.  I thought maybe looking at it with fresh eyes would help me see something I could change to make it "better"; other than maybe updating a few pictures since DS has grown about another two feet since the portfolio was put together (slight exaggeration!), I couldn't find anything that jumped out as needing to be changed.  I was kind of hoping to find something big that I'd previously missed, something that will make an expectant parent drop everything and say Oh my gosh, yes, THIS is The Family for my unborn baby!  Yeah, but it doesn't work that way.  It was a gentle reminder that everything happens in God's time and according to His plan.  Our portfolio is as perfect as it can be, and when "our" expectant mom sees it, it will be perfect in her eyes, as well.

But, until that happens...

:)

I guess I could back up a second and tell you how I almost had something to report. About a month or so ago, we got an email from our caseworker about an expectant mom from another region of our agency's service area, who was looking for a specific kind of family for her unborn baby.  I won't go into details, but we did fit the basic requirements specified in the email, and our caseworker asked if it was alright to show her our info.  (The email went out to many different families, I'm almost sure; it was BCC'ed so I don't know how many.  But that's irrelevant.)  I'll admit it -- my hopes were up.  I just felt that this was going to be It, that we were going to meet "our" birthmom.  There were some issues, but nothing we felt we couldn't handle -- in fact, the details we were given made me even more positive that this was going to be It, because there were some very personal circumstances to which I could relate.

Alas, we haven't heard a thing since then.  Le sigh.  DH tried to warn me not to get my hopes up, but I did.  At least they weren't dashed, just sort of...deflated.  Like a balloon.  Slowly, over time.  That's the way the cookie crumbles.

* * * * *

You know, or maybe you don't, for the longest time I was convinced that the one area I never wanted to work in as a nurse was OB.  Given my personal history of several failed pregnancies, it was something I wanted to avoid for my own emotional well-being.  From the early days of my nursing school adventure, there were girls in my classes who were going on and on about how they wanted to work in OB someday because they loved babies and blah blah blah, while I rolled my eyes and firmly maintained that I did NOT want to work with screaming moms and crying babes.  Not then, not ever.  I absolutely dreaded our OB clinical rotations; on one level I was afraid of inducing an emotionally-instigated anxiety attack, and for another, I didn't ever want to work in OB, so why bother?!

Even when I survived my first day of OB clinicals (during which I got to be there from admission to delivery, holding the mom's leg while she pushed and being one of the first people on earth to see this brand-new person make their entrance into the world) without even the faintest sign of a breakdown, I stood firm.  I remember that passing phrase, "I could see myself doing this!", going through my head at one point.  (Disclaimer: in nursing school, I had that thought at some point in EVERY clinical rotation!)  Yet I still stood firm: OB wasn't for me.  Moms yelling their heads off, nervous new parents, fragile and totally dependent newborn people...nope.  Not my cup of tea.  Not even when I practically aced all of the exams in those chapters with VERY little studying.  Nope.  Not gonna do it.

So, when I got hired as an RN at my hospital, I still maintained that I would do med-surg, and eventually one day, ER.  But not OB.  I was a part-time nurse working full-time hours and waiting (im)patiently for a full-time position to open up.  It took about a year and a half, but then a full-time position opened up: nights in OB.  I'd never worked an overnight shift before then, and you might already have an idea about my aspirations to work in OB.  But I did want a full-time position, so I searched my heart and soul and decided, OK; I'll try OB, since it's apparently my ticket to a full-time position.  It can't be that bad!  And I did ace all those exams, probably for a good reason, so...

Here I am, 2 years later, still working in OB.  (Well, I mainly work in med-surg and recently started working in the ER as well, but that's only because our little hospital doesn't get many deliveries.)  I love OB!  Not in that starry-eyed, "oh I get to work with babies and babies are the cutest things ever" kind of way.  It's difficult to explain; I just feel like that is where I belong.  And other people have told me the same thing.  It's kind of weird.  But, I digress; there is a point to all of this.

Just over two years ago, I started working in OB.  Our two-year "wait" anniversary will be in September.  See what I'm getting at?  If I thought working in OB would be a challenge after going through so many failed pregnancies, I wouldn't be lying to say I was terrified to see what it would be like while waiting to be matched with an expectant mom.  It was hard enough seeing all these healthy people repeatedly doing what I could only do once out of seven tries, and making it look easy.  Actually, it wasn't even that hard, because when I'm at work with a patient, I get in the RN zone and my personal life and experiences don't play into that at all.  Because I'm a professional, yo.  :)  And that about sums up why it hasn't been nearly the challenge I thought it would be.  I found a strength in myself I didn't know I had: the ability to put my own heartache and pain aside and take care of others.

The same holds true now that we're doing the Big Wait.  I see happy couples become new parents, and there is so much love and confidence in their situations that it genuinely warms my heart.  I was afraid I'd be struck by jealousy, but I'm not.  I was afraid I'd just want to take every single baby home, but I don't, because I know they are born into loving homes and are in the best possible place they could be.

Except when they're not.  When there is even the slightest doubt that everyone is not "on board" with the daunting task of parenthood, it is a little more difficult.  When you are leery of sending a brand-new defenseless human out of your grasp and into a world of utmost uncertainty, and you have that nagging gut feeling that won't leave you alone...it is a little more difficult.  When you hear in the news about the horrible things that some parents (or friends and family of parents) can do in a moment of anger to a brand-new defenseless human, and you realize that there is no way at all to predict who is going to snap...or when...it makes being an OB nurse a little more difficult, and being a mom-waiting-to-be-matched a LOT more difficult.

I consider myself extremely fortunate that, 99% of the time, it's not difficult.  :)

Alright, time for me to fly.  The dogs are whining to be fed, and I've got to take my "little" (6ft 3in) boy out to get some shorts that actually fit him and his too-tall self.

Thanks for reading, and for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.  <3

Not funny.

It's April Fool's Day, which means FB is brimming with fake pregnancy announcements.  I try to remind myself that these people mean no harm...

I just wanted to share this excellent post before I crawl back into my shell until tomorrow.

Thanks.

570 days, but who's counting?!?

It's been 18 months and 22 days since our home study (which is what I consider "day one" of The Big Wait, in retrospect).  I won't lie -- sometimes it makes me want to scream.  Although we were told to expect to wait a while, I will admit that I didn't think we'd be waiting this long.  Because, you know, everyone has that little voice of hope (or irrationality or whatever you want to call it) inside of them that says, That might be the 'normal' wait, but we're going to beat the odds!  Or, as I like to call it, the Why be normal?!? theory.

When we were finalizing our home study, and our case worker was telling us that we'd have to renew our foster care license in two years, I remember thinking, "We won't have to renew in two years because we'll be in post-placement by then!"  Ha, ha, ha.  I still hold out hope that we will be in post-placement by then, but "then" is only six five months away.  Our case worker came back from maternity leave last month, and gave us the update that there had been no activity with our portfolio in the three months prior.  I was kind of devastated.  She softened the blow with something along the lines that we shouldn't be worried because it hasn't been "very long" and blah blah blah.  I'll be the first one to verbalize that this is all in God's timing and not ours, and that we know it's going to happen sometime but have no idea when, and all that.  But sometimes I just feel like I'm going to burst.  We've been waiting patiently for 81 weeks and counting; I'm ready for our break, already!

Yeah...I know it doesn't work that way.  I know it will happen when it's meant to happen and not a moment sooner.  I know that, when it is all said and done and we're actually in post-placement, this tortuous waiting time will be just another blink of the eye of the past.  But until then, I need to vent every so often or I'm gonna 'splode.

So I will try not to think about how I've now lost track of the number of people I know in real life who have become pregnant and given birth in the last 81 weeks, because that makes me feel jealous, and I don't like feeling jealous.  I will try not to question whether I should have tried to treat my uterine fibroids and severe endometriosis with something less drastic than a hysterectomy in the hopes that if I still had a uterus, maybe I still would've been able to get pregnant, because that makes me feel regretful, and I don't like feeling regretful.  I will try not to wonder if our portfolio was "too much" of something or "not enough" of something else and that is why people are looking at it but not choosing us, because I poured my heart and soul into those pages and I know in my heart of hearts that it says exactly what it needs to say to the right person.  Because I know this isn't about finding just any person, it's about finding the right person.

Often times, well-intentioned people ask us if we've considered routes other than open domestic adoption.  I know they mean well; I know they're just trying to help, because the idea of waiting 81 weeks and counting for something is hard to fathom.  I would do the same thing.  So to those people I reply, we have considered other options.  Before we went to our first informational meeting about open domestic adoption, we considered many other options (foster-to-adopt, international adoption, surrogacy, etc...).  We talked about them, prayed about them, discussed the pros and cons of alternate routes, and in the end we reached the same conclusion.  And here we are.  Had we gone another route, we might have another child by now...but, for our own very personal reasons, we chose this route on our journey -- and we stand firmly behind that decision.  It's hard to explain that our journey isn't about adding another child to our family as quickly as possible (although the fact that we didn't start this journey until our DS was 14 years old should be a glaring clue...).  It goes much deeper than that.  All that being said, I still love it when people ask if we've heard anything new lately, and I eagerly await the day when my answer will be something other than, "No, nothing yet."  :)

In other news... well, since the last time I wrote in here, DS celebrated his 16th birthday, completed behind-the-wheel training, and is now a licensed driver!  Scary?  You betcha!!  Not because of his driving; I did teach him a fair amount of what he knows, so I know that he's a good, level-headed, careful driver.  (Sometimes too careful -- he lost points on his exam for going too far under the speed limit!  Just like his Mom.  I was like that at first, too.  Heh.)  But scary because I know for a fact that it's not usually things under your control that cause accidents.  And scary because it's a definite step toward grown-upedness, which coincides with realizing we're old enough to have a child that's getting closer to being a grown-up.  There's this whole big paradigm shift when your child no longer needs you to chauffeur him around from place to place...it's like this whole block in your schedule opens up, and instead of getting out of bed to drive the kid to school in your pajamas on your day off, you get to stay in bed and wake up only enough to acknowledge him when he knocks on your door to tell you he's leaving.  It's strange.  For 16 years, one of my primary jobs has been making sure the child gets to where he needs to be when he needs to be there, and now, he can do that himself.  It's a milestone, for sure.

Anyway...I guess that's about all for now.  As always, I hope to have more interesting updates soon!  Until then, please keep our family, and all of the other waiting families out there, in your thoughts and prayers.  And also pray for the families of the ones who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant and not sure what to do about it... pray that they will realize that there are families like us "out there" who are waiting with every ounce of patience we can muster, to help them in their times of need.  Let them know they're not alone.  Let them know they just need to reach out, and He will lead them to us.

See ya next time!

Another year over, a new one's just begun...

Happy New Year!! And since I missed it, Happy (belated) Thanksgiving and Merry (belated) Christmas, too.

I seemed to be lacking in the so-called "Christmas Spirit" this year, and I'm not exactly sure why.  I barely decorated the house...put our little Charlie-Brown tree in the window (and I can't even take credit for that, because I delegated that task to DS), taped the Christmas cards to the wall as they arrived, and got the red shiny tablecloth out on Christmas Eve.  I didn't even put any lights up in the windows this year, which is always my favorite part of decorating.  I guess it's not so bad, though...when I decide it's time to un-decorate, I have about five minutes' worth of deconstruction to do.  And I will probably delegate that to DS, because I don't like going into the cave-like basement.  Happy Holidays!!!  :)

In adoption news...nothing new to report.  Absolutely, positively, NOTHING.  I don't even have any updates from our case worker, because she's been out on maternity leave since the beginning of November.  (The irony of having an adoption case worker who is out on maternity leave has not escaped me.)  There is someone taking her place, of course, but I haven't contacted that person because I'm sure they're very busy, doing their own job and trying to cover for our worker as well.

I don't know if it's just because it's a new year, which makes me feel like wiping the old one off the books and gives me a new sense of hope in "starting new", but I feel like this is going to be a good year.  For one thing, it's the Chinese Year of the Horse.  Horses are my favorite animals; thus, I'm taking that as a sign.  (On a side note, DH, DS and I were all born in Years of the Tiger, or how ever that should be worded.)  It would be just perfect if our next child was born in the Year of the Horse.  The next Tiger year is 2022, so, yeah...

Another thing is, I've had this undeniable urge to go baby furniture shopping lately.  I mean, more than usual.  :)  I'll admit, at first I was all gung-ho for it, and couldn't wait to go pick out cribs and bedding and car seats and all that.  But then, the novelty faded and so did the urge to shop.  But suddenly, it's picked up again.  I want to get the room fixed up.  I would suppose this is almost like nesting, but I'm only speculating because I never had the nesting instinct before I birthed DS.  Well, if I did, it was probably buried in the fact that we moved to a new house two weeks before he was born!

But the one big thing that stuck out for me, is that one morning when I was drifting off to sleep (remember, I work mostly overnights...), I was bouncing around in that state of semi-consciousness, where your rambling thoughts start to meld with your dreamy-time thoughts and disorientation takes over before pulling you away to solemn slumber, when suddenly and vividly, a series of numbers popped into my head.  I could see them, larger than life, and heard my inner voice repeating them over and over.  I tried to dismiss it as a dreamy-time thing at first, but it wouldn't go away.  All I could hear was my internal voice repeating the set of numbers, over and over.  I was shocked back into awakedness, it was so vivid and urgent; and when I was fully conscious, it was clear that the numbers could easily be a date and time.  I wrote them down (well, typed them into a note on my smartphone, which is the technologically-advanced equivalent of writing things down for me) and as soon as I had done so, the sense of urgency passed and I was able to get back to sleep quickly.

I'm not going to share what those numbers were, though.  Sorry!  I just don't want to obsess over it.  (Too late!!!)  I mean, and I know I'm going out on a limb here, but I could be overreacting.  :)  It was just so in-my-face, and I've been praying for a sign or something, and I don't want to assume that was a sign but, yeah.  I'll quit rambling now.

My point being, I have a good feeling about this year.  Maybe this will be the year our birthmother needs us.  I can only continue to hope and pray, and ask our friends and other loved ones to do the same!

In other news...nothing much to report there, either.  I'm so tired of winter already that I'm not even going to talk about how our high temperature on Monday is supposed to be in the negative double digits (Fahrenheit), or how it was 20ºF this morning when we got up and that actually felt WARM.  I've been working a lot, DH has been working a lot, DS is doing well in school and band and choir and everything else in which he's involved.  Speaking of DS, he turns 16 in a week from Monday.  Can you believe that craziness?!  I'm not old enough to have a 16-year-old.  ;)  He's a busy sophomore, that's for sure.  And tall!!  The child is 6ft 2in now, and still has some growing to do.  DH is just a smidge under 6 feet tall and I'm only 5ft 5in.  I never really considered myself "short"...my Mom and sister are both around 5ft 3in'ish, so compared to them I was The Tall One...so this is a new experience for me.  :)

Well, I wish I had more to share right now, but I just don't.  Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers...one of these days we'll get that call, I just know it!!!

53 weeks and counting!

Every time I see someone post something on FB about how far along they are in their pregnancies, I want to interject that I'm in my 53rd week of expectancy...and my mood swings, while perhaps not entirely hormonally-based, are definitely nothing to joke about!

Anyway...I don't have much in the way of news to report from this end.  We hit our One Year mark last week without fanfare.  The occasion was marked by receiving another mini-packet of forms to fill out for our agency (updated background checks, health report forms, and a request for updated proof of home/auto insurance) and an email from our caseworker informing us that it's time for another review.  Yay!

So we wait, and we wait.  And we pray.  Actually, I was talking about "the wait" with DS the other morning while driving him to school.  I was wondering if this is something he thinks about every day...I know I do, and I'm pretty sure DH does, but I can imagine how it might not be at the forefront of a busy high school sophomore's mind.  He pretty much confirmed that for me.  I guess I would've been more surprised if he told me it was something he thought about every day.

I had a "moment" yesterday... I'm way past the point now where my heart skips a beat when the phone rings, although if the number shows up on the Caller ID as "unknown" or "private", it might skip a quarter beat or two.  Likewise if it shows up as a number within our state but either unknown or one I don't recognize.  Well, yesterday we got a call that was identified only as being from the city where our caseworker's office is located...which is rather unusual for us.  My heart did skip a beat or two, and for a few looooong seconds I was convinced that there was no one else on earth who would be calling us from that city.

I'm sure you've figured out by now that there was, in fact, someone else on earth from that city who would've been calling us.  Most disappointing phone call, EVER.  Sigh...and back to the waiting game.

Well, I hope this is enough of an update, because I don't feel like I can stretch "nothing" out much longer right now.  Marching band season is upon us, and I wanted to get an update posted here before the whirlwind hits. I hope I have exciting news to post soon...

Nine months and counting!

It has occurred to me, on more than one occasion lately, that if we were doing this the "normal" way (for lack of a better term, as I certainly do NOT want to imply that adoption or anything other than getting pregnant ourselves and giving birth to our own child is abnormal), the "waiting to see what the baby will be like" part of our journey would be almost over now.  I'd have my hospital bag packed and ready to go, the nursery would be all set up and awaiting new occupancy, the phone/text list would be at the ready, I'd be visiting my doctor weekly and hoping for big changes, and it would be obvious to the world that our lives were about to change forever.

Obviously, none of that is the case.  I don't have a bag packed and ready to go (although I know I can get one packed quickly if we should need to take off for the other side of the state on short notice).  The nursery is definitely not set up, unless you count the fact that there are a couple of baskets of baby things up there along with a stack of blankets I've crocheted in the last nine months, and a pack-n-play is sitting, unassembled, in the corner (although the crib is still in pieces in the pole barn!).  We don't really have a phone/text list, although I do have a list in my head of who we will notify and roughly in what order when we finally get The Call.  Instead of seeing my doctor every week, I get an email from our caseworker every three months, checking in to see if there are any big changes in our lives.  So it's similar, but not quite the same.  And, unless you know me personally enough to know what's going on, there aren't any outwardly obvious signs that we're expecting.

I love it when people ask me if there is any news yet.  No, really; I do!  I just wish I could take away the sad looks I get when I say, "No, nothing yet."  I'm not sad about it.  Well, I'm usually not sad about it.  :)  The thing is, I'm not expecting we'll get much in the way of "news" until it actually happens -- and by "it actually happens" I'm referring to our being matched with a birthmom.  We don't receive automatic updates whenever someone has looked at our portfolio -- although I do ask our caseworker every three months if there has been any activity in that respect.  I don't know what to say in answer to that question, other than "No, nothing yet."  But I can't tell you how much I appreciate that people actually keep asking!  :)

So, we're still waiting.  At our last review a few weeks ago, I found out that our portfolio had been looked at again, so, yay!!  Nothing came of it, but at least it's getting looked at.  I pulled out my color-copy of it the other day and looked at it again, for the first time in a loooooong time.  I couldn't help but look at it with way more scrutiny than I ever have before, wondering if my tone and wording weren't right, or if I'd chosen the wrong pictures, or something...trying desperately to find whatever is "wrong" with it that would make people look at it but not choose us.  I know, of course, that it's nothing to do with the portfolio.  That thing is a creation directly from my heart, so it is most certainly and without a doubt "us", and therefore nothing is "wrong" with it, it's just that our birthmom hasn't seen it yet.  But I had to peruse it again, just in case.

In other news...not much.  Just enjoying summer now that it's finally here, trying to keep up with gardening and yard work and house work, and keeping the boy entertained for the summer.  Can't believe he's a sophomore already!  He starts driver's ed in a few weeks...*shudder*.  Speaking of the boy, he and the hubby are headed out to the east coast right now with a group of kids and a few adults from church for the youth mission trip.  They'll be on the Jersey short, helping with post-Sandy clean-up.  I wanted to go, but wasn't able to get the time off from work; hopefully next year I can join them!  I've got an exciting week planned without them -- insert sarcasm here.  Unless you consider "working every day" exciting.

Oh, well.  Just gotta keep hanging in there and believing!

Until next time...

All other ground is sinking sand...

From Merriam-Webster:

Definition of HOPE:

intransitive verb

1

: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>

2

archaic : trust

transitive verb

1

: to desire with expectation of obtainment

2

: to expect with confidence : trust

=================================

In case you couldn't tell (and looking back on it, I'm not so sure you could), I was pretty depressed when I wrote my last entry.  Sometimes it just seems like things have a way of piling up and crashing down on you at the worst possible moment, ya know?  I'd say it was the culmination of a number of things -- waiting to move forward in this process, a winter that seemed like it would never end, losing one of my best dogs ever, and other personal matters which I will probably not mention here -- that made me feel like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I knew I needed to do something, and quickly; staying in bed all day on my days off wasn't getting me anywhere, that's for sure!

I did something I realized I hadn't done in a few weeks or more: I stopped and prayed.  Now, I didn't grow up in a church-going household; I never learned Bible stories when I was little, I was never taught "how" to pray.  It was just something I started doing on my own, having little "discussions" with God inside my own head.  I didn't ever wonder if it was "right" or not, because I figured that it must be right, since it came to me so naturally.  Anywho, it occurred to me last weekend that I hadn't done that in a long time . . . too long.  So I got back in touch with God, and suddenly, the storms raging inside my poor little head began to clear.  I felt like smacking myself upside the head and going, "DUHHHHH!!!"  I am feeling better.  I am feeling more hopeful, more optimistic, less like staying in bed and hiding from the world all day.  It's a wonderful feeling!!

Well, last week I received word from one of the other couples we went through adoption classes with, that they have been chosen by a birthmom and are awaiting the arrival of a baby boy at the end of this month!  I have to admit, when I first heard that, I was jealous.  Very, very jealous.  "Why them and not us?" and so on.  Thankfully, that didn't last long, and a short time later I was filled with nothing but honest-to-goodness happiness for them.  In fact, I'm almost ashamed to admit that I was so jealous at first, but I'm only human, so I'm putting it out there as it stands.  Besides, it fills me with hope, this knowledge that "someone from our group" is moving forward!  Not that it's any indication of when our turn will come up, of course; we're not on a numbered sort of waiting list, but are all on common ground with no one having a better chance of being "next" than anyone else.  I really am so very happy for this new family, and am praying that things work out for the best.  And I continue to pray for those of us who are still waiting, and especially for our birthmothers . . . just imagine, there are women out there who have no idea yet that we are waiting patiently to meet them.  It boggles the mind.

Anyway, the sun is shining and we're supposed to have summer tomorrow (seriously, it was 38ºF when I woke up this morning, and is supposed to be close to 90ºF tomorrow then back to the 70's) so I should get off the couch and get some housework done, so I can spend some quality time soaking up some vitamin D and getting some much-needed yardwork done tomorrow.

Thanks for reading!

Things to do while waiting...

From the July/August 1999 issue of Adoptive Families, as presented to us in our packet of adoption-related paperwork during our educational classes last fall:

10 Tips to Pass the Time

1. Read.
2. Keep a journal; it's a great way to express what you really feel. Begin with "I remember" and write any memory you can think of.
3. Indulge in a hobby.
4. Go for walks--morning or evening.  Choose a color and notice how many times you see it.
5. Write letters.
6. Organize your photos.
7. Learn something new. When we learn something new, we have less time to worry.
8. Visit the library. If you don't already have a card, get one.
9. Be a tourist in your own town.
10. Trust in what you love. It will take you where you want to go and get you through the waiting process.

===============================================
I haven't looked at that list for a while now (almost eight months, but who's counting?!), and I'm actually kind of surprised to see that I've been doing at least six of those already.  (Seven if I can count "scrolling through lists of titles on my Kindle" as "[v]isit[ing] the library".)

I remember being warned that waiting would not be easy.  "Not easy" is becoming more and more of an understatement.  I'd imagined that it would be an even bigger personal challenge for me, because historically I'm not a fan of waiting.  I'd imagined correctly!  Patience is NOT one of my strong suits.  I remember when I was pregnant with DS, I just about had a breakdown in the 6th month, because it felt like I'd been pregnant for-EVER! and that, with 3-4 months yet to go, I was going to continue to be pregnant for-EVER! . . . and that journey had a fairly clear finish line.

I don't mean to sound whiny, but waiting is hard.  Some days I think I'm going to go absolutely bat-crap insane if I have to wait another day to be chosen, and other days I'm perfectly fine with not being chosen yet.  Some days I can see that this is all going to happen in God's perfect timing, and other days I worry that if it doesn't happen soon, it's not going to happen at all.  Some days I am secure in the knowledge that we are right where we are supposed to be and that it WILL happen and one day I will look back at these impatient days and smile (at least on the inside) when I remember how I'm feeling right now and how it all ends up fitting into the big picture; other days, that vision is a little cloudier.

Which is probably most of the reason why I haven't written in here for a while. I have absolutely nothing at all to share for updates about our adoption journey.  Our six-month review has come and gone, with the news that there has been no further activity with our portfolio since those first few weeks.  "Hang in there," our caseworker wrote; "it's still very early!"

In other news, though, we've been keeping busy.  See the list at the top of this entry, ha, ha.  In the middle of March, I was fortunate to be able to travel to New York City as a chaperone with my son and 80-some other members of his high school choir (and 20-some other adult chaperones).  It was a whirlwind "vacation" starting and ending with a 20-some-hour bus ride from western Wisconsin to the east coast.  We were there for four days and hit more of the big touristy things than I would have ever tried to handle on my own!  I'm still amazed at how our trip coordinators managed to make maneuvering a group of 100+ people, mostly teenagers from a small farming community, look easy.  We were always where we needed to be when we needed to be there, with everyone present and accounted for.  I've always wanted to see NYC but didn't think I ever would, so this was really a once-in-a-lifetime trip.  The kids were awesome and I believe I can safely say that a good time was had by all.

The boy has been keeping busy with school.  He's getting awesome grades.  Earlier this year he joined his school's first-ever winter drumline, and spent most of his Saturdays with the group, getting their show polished for competition.  I'm very proud to report that, in their very first year of competition, this group took first place at state!  They all worked so hard, and it was such an impressive show.  The kids in this school district are so talented, it blows my mind.  And I know I'm biased, but my son definitely fits into that group.  He loves his music and makes the hardest pieces look so easy.  He taught himself how to play the bass guitar for drumline, and now he plays bass with a group from church and also the high school jazz band.  He still takes lessons every week on the "regular" guitar, and piano, and plays trombone in the high school concert band.  Oh, and he sings, too.  I'm a very proud momma!

I'm purposely avoiding the weather.  On May 2nd, we got 12 inches of snow.  Yes, that's right, a whole foot of snow.  Don't mention the words "global warming" anywhere near western Wisconsin right now.

I do have some sad news to report.  About 2.5 weeks ago, on April 17, we had to say "good-bye" to a beloved and cherished family member . . . our 7-year-old Boxer/Lab dog, Magnum.  Long story short is that we're pretty sure he had a brain tumor.  He was a much-loved member of our family, and I miss him more than I can put into words.  I'm going to change the topic now, before I start crying again!

So, that's about it from us.  I can't believe that the boy's freshman year of high school is almost over, or that I'm sitting here right now looking at a landscape that belongs in December, not May!  The hubby and I have been hard at work at our respective jobs and keeping busy around the house, etc.

Tom Petty so eloquently wrote, "The waiting is the hardest part; every day you get one more yard.  You take it on faith, you take it to the heart -- the waiting is the hardest part."  I don't know what situation he was was immortalizing with those words, but they couldn't be more appropriate right now.

God grant me patience . . . but hurry!!  :)

and we wait, and we wait, and we wait, and we wait....

One of the definitions for "wait", according to www.Merriam-Webster.com, is: "to remain temporarily neglected or unrealized".

Yeah, that sums it up pretty nicely!

It's now March, and in addition to marking the occasion of DH's and my half-birthdays (yay?), our six-month "waiting" anniversary is just a week away.  On one hand, I am looking forward to hearing from our case worker again.  Not that we haven't been encouraged from day one to contact her any time we'd like, but we haven't.  I know she's busy, and I don't want to take her time away from other cases just to hear that there's no progress on our case, yet.  I have faith that we will hear from her in due time, and I guess that, even though it's a totally unfounded and unrational thought, I feel like we might "use up" our contact time with her, or something, if I "bug" her before it's Our Time.

I recently joined a FB group for other waiting families in our agency's program, and honestly I was disheartened at first to hear that other people have been waiting 14, 18, 20 months or more.  !!!!  I've been struggling not to "compare" because every case is different and yadda yadda yadda, but, yeah; six months isn't much compared to that.  Sometimes waiting drives me crazy, and the thought of having to wait like this for a year or more makes me feel even more crazy.  I start feeling like, I don't know how long I can do this; but then again, what choice do I have?!  "Not waiting" is no longer an option.  So I wait, and I wait, and work on coping mechanisms to keep myself sane (no comments as to the questionability of my sanity, please, hahahaha) for the long haul.

I've been crocheting a lot lately.  I made a bunch of baby booties, and baby bibs.  Too many for me to use, so I started giving some away.  I've decided to start making baby booties to give to the newborns at the hospital where I work.  Then I decided to make a blanket for a local fundraiser, a benefit auction for a young girl in our community who has neuroblastoma and her family.  That went well (the blanket-making, that is; the benefit is next week) so I'm making another blanket, this one will be a belated shower/wedding gift for my high school best friend.  Crocheting gives me something to focus on besides the fact that nothing is happening, adoption-journey-wise.  And I need as much of that as I can get right now!!

I will update when I hear from our case worker for the 6-month update, if there is indeed anything to update about.

Take care and let the people you love know that you love them!!!