570 days, but who's counting?!?

It's been 18 months and 22 days since our home study (which is what I consider "day one" of The Big Wait, in retrospect).  I won't lie -- sometimes it makes me want to scream.  Although we were told to expect to wait a while, I will admit that I didn't think we'd be waiting this long.  Because, you know, everyone has that little voice of hope (or irrationality or whatever you want to call it) inside of them that says, That might be the 'normal' wait, but we're going to beat the odds!  Or, as I like to call it, the Why be normal?!? theory.

When we were finalizing our home study, and our case worker was telling us that we'd have to renew our foster care license in two years, I remember thinking, "We won't have to renew in two years because we'll be in post-placement by then!"  Ha, ha, ha.  I still hold out hope that we will be in post-placement by then, but "then" is only six five months away.  Our case worker came back from maternity leave last month, and gave us the update that there had been no activity with our portfolio in the three months prior.  I was kind of devastated.  She softened the blow with something along the lines that we shouldn't be worried because it hasn't been "very long" and blah blah blah.  I'll be the first one to verbalize that this is all in God's timing and not ours, and that we know it's going to happen sometime but have no idea when, and all that.  But sometimes I just feel like I'm going to burst.  We've been waiting patiently for 81 weeks and counting; I'm ready for our break, already!

Yeah...I know it doesn't work that way.  I know it will happen when it's meant to happen and not a moment sooner.  I know that, when it is all said and done and we're actually in post-placement, this tortuous waiting time will be just another blink of the eye of the past.  But until then, I need to vent every so often or I'm gonna 'splode.

So I will try not to think about how I've now lost track of the number of people I know in real life who have become pregnant and given birth in the last 81 weeks, because that makes me feel jealous, and I don't like feeling jealous.  I will try not to question whether I should have tried to treat my uterine fibroids and severe endometriosis with something less drastic than a hysterectomy in the hopes that if I still had a uterus, maybe I still would've been able to get pregnant, because that makes me feel regretful, and I don't like feeling regretful.  I will try not to wonder if our portfolio was "too much" of something or "not enough" of something else and that is why people are looking at it but not choosing us, because I poured my heart and soul into those pages and I know in my heart of hearts that it says exactly what it needs to say to the right person.  Because I know this isn't about finding just any person, it's about finding the right person.

Often times, well-intentioned people ask us if we've considered routes other than open domestic adoption.  I know they mean well; I know they're just trying to help, because the idea of waiting 81 weeks and counting for something is hard to fathom.  I would do the same thing.  So to those people I reply, we have considered other options.  Before we went to our first informational meeting about open domestic adoption, we considered many other options (foster-to-adopt, international adoption, surrogacy, etc...).  We talked about them, prayed about them, discussed the pros and cons of alternate routes, and in the end we reached the same conclusion.  And here we are.  Had we gone another route, we might have another child by now...but, for our own very personal reasons, we chose this route on our journey -- and we stand firmly behind that decision.  It's hard to explain that our journey isn't about adding another child to our family as quickly as possible (although the fact that we didn't start this journey until our DS was 14 years old should be a glaring clue...).  It goes much deeper than that.  All that being said, I still love it when people ask if we've heard anything new lately, and I eagerly await the day when my answer will be something other than, "No, nothing yet."  :)

In other news... well, since the last time I wrote in here, DS celebrated his 16th birthday, completed behind-the-wheel training, and is now a licensed driver!  Scary?  You betcha!!  Not because of his driving; I did teach him a fair amount of what he knows, so I know that he's a good, level-headed, careful driver.  (Sometimes too careful -- he lost points on his exam for going too far under the speed limit!  Just like his Mom.  I was like that at first, too.  Heh.)  But scary because I know for a fact that it's not usually things under your control that cause accidents.  And scary because it's a definite step toward grown-upedness, which coincides with realizing we're old enough to have a child that's getting closer to being a grown-up.  There's this whole big paradigm shift when your child no longer needs you to chauffeur him around from place to place...it's like this whole block in your schedule opens up, and instead of getting out of bed to drive the kid to school in your pajamas on your day off, you get to stay in bed and wake up only enough to acknowledge him when he knocks on your door to tell you he's leaving.  It's strange.  For 16 years, one of my primary jobs has been making sure the child gets to where he needs to be when he needs to be there, and now, he can do that himself.  It's a milestone, for sure.

Anyway...I guess that's about all for now.  As always, I hope to have more interesting updates soon!  Until then, please keep our family, and all of the other waiting families out there, in your thoughts and prayers.  And also pray for the families of the ones who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant and not sure what to do about it... pray that they will realize that there are families like us "out there" who are waiting with every ounce of patience we can muster, to help them in their times of need.  Let them know they're not alone.  Let them know they just need to reach out, and He will lead them to us.

See ya next time!

Another year over, a new one's just begun...

Happy New Year!! And since I missed it, Happy (belated) Thanksgiving and Merry (belated) Christmas, too.

I seemed to be lacking in the so-called "Christmas Spirit" this year, and I'm not exactly sure why.  I barely decorated the house...put our little Charlie-Brown tree in the window (and I can't even take credit for that, because I delegated that task to DS), taped the Christmas cards to the wall as they arrived, and got the red shiny tablecloth out on Christmas Eve.  I didn't even put any lights up in the windows this year, which is always my favorite part of decorating.  I guess it's not so bad, though...when I decide it's time to un-decorate, I have about five minutes' worth of deconstruction to do.  And I will probably delegate that to DS, because I don't like going into the cave-like basement.  Happy Holidays!!!  :)

In adoption news...nothing new to report.  Absolutely, positively, NOTHING.  I don't even have any updates from our case worker, because she's been out on maternity leave since the beginning of November.  (The irony of having an adoption case worker who is out on maternity leave has not escaped me.)  There is someone taking her place, of course, but I haven't contacted that person because I'm sure they're very busy, doing their own job and trying to cover for our worker as well.

I don't know if it's just because it's a new year, which makes me feel like wiping the old one off the books and gives me a new sense of hope in "starting new", but I feel like this is going to be a good year.  For one thing, it's the Chinese Year of the Horse.  Horses are my favorite animals; thus, I'm taking that as a sign.  (On a side note, DH, DS and I were all born in Years of the Tiger, or how ever that should be worded.)  It would be just perfect if our next child was born in the Year of the Horse.  The next Tiger year is 2022, so, yeah...

Another thing is, I've had this undeniable urge to go baby furniture shopping lately.  I mean, more than usual.  :)  I'll admit, at first I was all gung-ho for it, and couldn't wait to go pick out cribs and bedding and car seats and all that.  But then, the novelty faded and so did the urge to shop.  But suddenly, it's picked up again.  I want to get the room fixed up.  I would suppose this is almost like nesting, but I'm only speculating because I never had the nesting instinct before I birthed DS.  Well, if I did, it was probably buried in the fact that we moved to a new house two weeks before he was born!

But the one big thing that stuck out for me, is that one morning when I was drifting off to sleep (remember, I work mostly overnights...), I was bouncing around in that state of semi-consciousness, where your rambling thoughts start to meld with your dreamy-time thoughts and disorientation takes over before pulling you away to solemn slumber, when suddenly and vividly, a series of numbers popped into my head.  I could see them, larger than life, and heard my inner voice repeating them over and over.  I tried to dismiss it as a dreamy-time thing at first, but it wouldn't go away.  All I could hear was my internal voice repeating the set of numbers, over and over.  I was shocked back into awakedness, it was so vivid and urgent; and when I was fully conscious, it was clear that the numbers could easily be a date and time.  I wrote them down (well, typed them into a note on my smartphone, which is the technologically-advanced equivalent of writing things down for me) and as soon as I had done so, the sense of urgency passed and I was able to get back to sleep quickly.

I'm not going to share what those numbers were, though.  Sorry!  I just don't want to obsess over it.  (Too late!!!)  I mean, and I know I'm going out on a limb here, but I could be overreacting.  :)  It was just so in-my-face, and I've been praying for a sign or something, and I don't want to assume that was a sign but, yeah.  I'll quit rambling now.

My point being, I have a good feeling about this year.  Maybe this will be the year our birthmother needs us.  I can only continue to hope and pray, and ask our friends and other loved ones to do the same!

In other news...nothing much to report there, either.  I'm so tired of winter already that I'm not even going to talk about how our high temperature on Monday is supposed to be in the negative double digits (Fahrenheit), or how it was 20ºF this morning when we got up and that actually felt WARM.  I've been working a lot, DH has been working a lot, DS is doing well in school and band and choir and everything else in which he's involved.  Speaking of DS, he turns 16 in a week from Monday.  Can you believe that craziness?!  I'm not old enough to have a 16-year-old.  ;)  He's a busy sophomore, that's for sure.  And tall!!  The child is 6ft 2in now, and still has some growing to do.  DH is just a smidge under 6 feet tall and I'm only 5ft 5in.  I never really considered myself "short"...my Mom and sister are both around 5ft 3in'ish, so compared to them I was The Tall One...so this is a new experience for me.  :)

Well, I wish I had more to share right now, but I just don't.  Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers...one of these days we'll get that call, I just know it!!!

53 weeks and counting!

Every time I see someone post something on FB about how far along they are in their pregnancies, I want to interject that I'm in my 53rd week of expectancy...and my mood swings, while perhaps not entirely hormonally-based, are definitely nothing to joke about!

Anyway...I don't have much in the way of news to report from this end.  We hit our One Year mark last week without fanfare.  The occasion was marked by receiving another mini-packet of forms to fill out for our agency (updated background checks, health report forms, and a request for updated proof of home/auto insurance) and an email from our caseworker informing us that it's time for another review.  Yay!

So we wait, and we wait.  And we pray.  Actually, I was talking about "the wait" with DS the other morning while driving him to school.  I was wondering if this is something he thinks about every day...I know I do, and I'm pretty sure DH does, but I can imagine how it might not be at the forefront of a busy high school sophomore's mind.  He pretty much confirmed that for me.  I guess I would've been more surprised if he told me it was something he thought about every day.

I had a "moment" yesterday... I'm way past the point now where my heart skips a beat when the phone rings, although if the number shows up on the Caller ID as "unknown" or "private", it might skip a quarter beat or two.  Likewise if it shows up as a number within our state but either unknown or one I don't recognize.  Well, yesterday we got a call that was identified only as being from the city where our caseworker's office is located...which is rather unusual for us.  My heart did skip a beat or two, and for a few looooong seconds I was convinced that there was no one else on earth who would be calling us from that city.

I'm sure you've figured out by now that there was, in fact, someone else on earth from that city who would've been calling us.  Most disappointing phone call, EVER.  Sigh...and back to the waiting game.

Well, I hope this is enough of an update, because I don't feel like I can stretch "nothing" out much longer right now.  Marching band season is upon us, and I wanted to get an update posted here before the whirlwind hits. I hope I have exciting news to post soon...

Nine months and counting!

It has occurred to me, on more than one occasion lately, that if we were doing this the "normal" way (for lack of a better term, as I certainly do NOT want to imply that adoption or anything other than getting pregnant ourselves and giving birth to our own child is abnormal), the "waiting to see what the baby will be like" part of our journey would be almost over now.  I'd have my hospital bag packed and ready to go, the nursery would be all set up and awaiting new occupancy, the phone/text list would be at the ready, I'd be visiting my doctor weekly and hoping for big changes, and it would be obvious to the world that our lives were about to change forever.

Obviously, none of that is the case.  I don't have a bag packed and ready to go (although I know I can get one packed quickly if we should need to take off for the other side of the state on short notice).  The nursery is definitely not set up, unless you count the fact that there are a couple of baskets of baby things up there along with a stack of blankets I've crocheted in the last nine months, and a pack-n-play is sitting, unassembled, in the corner (although the crib is still in pieces in the pole barn!).  We don't really have a phone/text list, although I do have a list in my head of who we will notify and roughly in what order when we finally get The Call.  Instead of seeing my doctor every week, I get an email from our caseworker every three months, checking in to see if there are any big changes in our lives.  So it's similar, but not quite the same.  And, unless you know me personally enough to know what's going on, there aren't any outwardly obvious signs that we're expecting.

I love it when people ask me if there is any news yet.  No, really; I do!  I just wish I could take away the sad looks I get when I say, "No, nothing yet."  I'm not sad about it.  Well, I'm usually not sad about it.  :)  The thing is, I'm not expecting we'll get much in the way of "news" until it actually happens -- and by "it actually happens" I'm referring to our being matched with a birthmom.  We don't receive automatic updates whenever someone has looked at our portfolio -- although I do ask our caseworker every three months if there has been any activity in that respect.  I don't know what to say in answer to that question, other than "No, nothing yet."  But I can't tell you how much I appreciate that people actually keep asking!  :)

So, we're still waiting.  At our last review a few weeks ago, I found out that our portfolio had been looked at again, so, yay!!  Nothing came of it, but at least it's getting looked at.  I pulled out my color-copy of it the other day and looked at it again, for the first time in a loooooong time.  I couldn't help but look at it with way more scrutiny than I ever have before, wondering if my tone and wording weren't right, or if I'd chosen the wrong pictures, or something...trying desperately to find whatever is "wrong" with it that would make people look at it but not choose us.  I know, of course, that it's nothing to do with the portfolio.  That thing is a creation directly from my heart, so it is most certainly and without a doubt "us", and therefore nothing is "wrong" with it, it's just that our birthmom hasn't seen it yet.  But I had to peruse it again, just in case.

In other news...not much.  Just enjoying summer now that it's finally here, trying to keep up with gardening and yard work and house work, and keeping the boy entertained for the summer.  Can't believe he's a sophomore already!  He starts driver's ed in a few weeks...*shudder*.  Speaking of the boy, he and the hubby are headed out to the east coast right now with a group of kids and a few adults from church for the youth mission trip.  They'll be on the Jersey short, helping with post-Sandy clean-up.  I wanted to go, but wasn't able to get the time off from work; hopefully next year I can join them!  I've got an exciting week planned without them -- insert sarcasm here.  Unless you consider "working every day" exciting.

Oh, well.  Just gotta keep hanging in there and believing!

Until next time...

All other ground is sinking sand...

From Merriam-Webster:

Definition of HOPE:

intransitive verb

1

: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>

2

archaic : trust

transitive verb

1

: to desire with expectation of obtainment

2

: to expect with confidence : trust

=================================

In case you couldn't tell (and looking back on it, I'm not so sure you could), I was pretty depressed when I wrote my last entry.  Sometimes it just seems like things have a way of piling up and crashing down on you at the worst possible moment, ya know?  I'd say it was the culmination of a number of things -- waiting to move forward in this process, a winter that seemed like it would never end, losing one of my best dogs ever, and other personal matters which I will probably not mention here -- that made me feel like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I knew I needed to do something, and quickly; staying in bed all day on my days off wasn't getting me anywhere, that's for sure!

I did something I realized I hadn't done in a few weeks or more: I stopped and prayed.  Now, I didn't grow up in a church-going household; I never learned Bible stories when I was little, I was never taught "how" to pray.  It was just something I started doing on my own, having little "discussions" with God inside my own head.  I didn't ever wonder if it was "right" or not, because I figured that it must be right, since it came to me so naturally.  Anywho, it occurred to me last weekend that I hadn't done that in a long time . . . too long.  So I got back in touch with God, and suddenly, the storms raging inside my poor little head began to clear.  I felt like smacking myself upside the head and going, "DUHHHHH!!!"  I am feeling better.  I am feeling more hopeful, more optimistic, less like staying in bed and hiding from the world all day.  It's a wonderful feeling!!

Well, last week I received word from one of the other couples we went through adoption classes with, that they have been chosen by a birthmom and are awaiting the arrival of a baby boy at the end of this month!  I have to admit, when I first heard that, I was jealous.  Very, very jealous.  "Why them and not us?" and so on.  Thankfully, that didn't last long, and a short time later I was filled with nothing but honest-to-goodness happiness for them.  In fact, I'm almost ashamed to admit that I was so jealous at first, but I'm only human, so I'm putting it out there as it stands.  Besides, it fills me with hope, this knowledge that "someone from our group" is moving forward!  Not that it's any indication of when our turn will come up, of course; we're not on a numbered sort of waiting list, but are all on common ground with no one having a better chance of being "next" than anyone else.  I really am so very happy for this new family, and am praying that things work out for the best.  And I continue to pray for those of us who are still waiting, and especially for our birthmothers . . . just imagine, there are women out there who have no idea yet that we are waiting patiently to meet them.  It boggles the mind.

Anyway, the sun is shining and we're supposed to have summer tomorrow (seriously, it was 38ºF when I woke up this morning, and is supposed to be close to 90ºF tomorrow then back to the 70's) so I should get off the couch and get some housework done, so I can spend some quality time soaking up some vitamin D and getting some much-needed yardwork done tomorrow.

Thanks for reading!

Things to do while waiting...

From the July/August 1999 issue of Adoptive Families, as presented to us in our packet of adoption-related paperwork during our educational classes last fall:

10 Tips to Pass the Time

1. Read.
2. Keep a journal; it's a great way to express what you really feel. Begin with "I remember" and write any memory you can think of.
3. Indulge in a hobby.
4. Go for walks--morning or evening.  Choose a color and notice how many times you see it.
5. Write letters.
6. Organize your photos.
7. Learn something new. When we learn something new, we have less time to worry.
8. Visit the library. If you don't already have a card, get one.
9. Be a tourist in your own town.
10. Trust in what you love. It will take you where you want to go and get you through the waiting process.

===============================================
I haven't looked at that list for a while now (almost eight months, but who's counting?!), and I'm actually kind of surprised to see that I've been doing at least six of those already.  (Seven if I can count "scrolling through lists of titles on my Kindle" as "[v]isit[ing] the library".)

I remember being warned that waiting would not be easy.  "Not easy" is becoming more and more of an understatement.  I'd imagined that it would be an even bigger personal challenge for me, because historically I'm not a fan of waiting.  I'd imagined correctly!  Patience is NOT one of my strong suits.  I remember when I was pregnant with DS, I just about had a breakdown in the 6th month, because it felt like I'd been pregnant for-EVER! and that, with 3-4 months yet to go, I was going to continue to be pregnant for-EVER! . . . and that journey had a fairly clear finish line.

I don't mean to sound whiny, but waiting is hard.  Some days I think I'm going to go absolutely bat-crap insane if I have to wait another day to be chosen, and other days I'm perfectly fine with not being chosen yet.  Some days I can see that this is all going to happen in God's perfect timing, and other days I worry that if it doesn't happen soon, it's not going to happen at all.  Some days I am secure in the knowledge that we are right where we are supposed to be and that it WILL happen and one day I will look back at these impatient days and smile (at least on the inside) when I remember how I'm feeling right now and how it all ends up fitting into the big picture; other days, that vision is a little cloudier.

Which is probably most of the reason why I haven't written in here for a while. I have absolutely nothing at all to share for updates about our adoption journey.  Our six-month review has come and gone, with the news that there has been no further activity with our portfolio since those first few weeks.  "Hang in there," our caseworker wrote; "it's still very early!"

In other news, though, we've been keeping busy.  See the list at the top of this entry, ha, ha.  In the middle of March, I was fortunate to be able to travel to New York City as a chaperone with my son and 80-some other members of his high school choir (and 20-some other adult chaperones).  It was a whirlwind "vacation" starting and ending with a 20-some-hour bus ride from western Wisconsin to the east coast.  We were there for four days and hit more of the big touristy things than I would have ever tried to handle on my own!  I'm still amazed at how our trip coordinators managed to make maneuvering a group of 100+ people, mostly teenagers from a small farming community, look easy.  We were always where we needed to be when we needed to be there, with everyone present and accounted for.  I've always wanted to see NYC but didn't think I ever would, so this was really a once-in-a-lifetime trip.  The kids were awesome and I believe I can safely say that a good time was had by all.

The boy has been keeping busy with school.  He's getting awesome grades.  Earlier this year he joined his school's first-ever winter drumline, and spent most of his Saturdays with the group, getting their show polished for competition.  I'm very proud to report that, in their very first year of competition, this group took first place at state!  They all worked so hard, and it was such an impressive show.  The kids in this school district are so talented, it blows my mind.  And I know I'm biased, but my son definitely fits into that group.  He loves his music and makes the hardest pieces look so easy.  He taught himself how to play the bass guitar for drumline, and now he plays bass with a group from church and also the high school jazz band.  He still takes lessons every week on the "regular" guitar, and piano, and plays trombone in the high school concert band.  Oh, and he sings, too.  I'm a very proud momma!

I'm purposely avoiding the weather.  On May 2nd, we got 12 inches of snow.  Yes, that's right, a whole foot of snow.  Don't mention the words "global warming" anywhere near western Wisconsin right now.

I do have some sad news to report.  About 2.5 weeks ago, on April 17, we had to say "good-bye" to a beloved and cherished family member . . . our 7-year-old Boxer/Lab dog, Magnum.  Long story short is that we're pretty sure he had a brain tumor.  He was a much-loved member of our family, and I miss him more than I can put into words.  I'm going to change the topic now, before I start crying again!

So, that's about it from us.  I can't believe that the boy's freshman year of high school is almost over, or that I'm sitting here right now looking at a landscape that belongs in December, not May!  The hubby and I have been hard at work at our respective jobs and keeping busy around the house, etc.

Tom Petty so eloquently wrote, "The waiting is the hardest part; every day you get one more yard.  You take it on faith, you take it to the heart -- the waiting is the hardest part."  I don't know what situation he was was immortalizing with those words, but they couldn't be more appropriate right now.

God grant me patience . . . but hurry!!  :)

and we wait, and we wait, and we wait, and we wait....

One of the definitions for "wait", according to www.Merriam-Webster.com, is: "to remain temporarily neglected or unrealized".

Yeah, that sums it up pretty nicely!

It's now March, and in addition to marking the occasion of DH's and my half-birthdays (yay?), our six-month "waiting" anniversary is just a week away.  On one hand, I am looking forward to hearing from our case worker again.  Not that we haven't been encouraged from day one to contact her any time we'd like, but we haven't.  I know she's busy, and I don't want to take her time away from other cases just to hear that there's no progress on our case, yet.  I have faith that we will hear from her in due time, and I guess that, even though it's a totally unfounded and unrational thought, I feel like we might "use up" our contact time with her, or something, if I "bug" her before it's Our Time.

I recently joined a FB group for other waiting families in our agency's program, and honestly I was disheartened at first to hear that other people have been waiting 14, 18, 20 months or more.  !!!!  I've been struggling not to "compare" because every case is different and yadda yadda yadda, but, yeah; six months isn't much compared to that.  Sometimes waiting drives me crazy, and the thought of having to wait like this for a year or more makes me feel even more crazy.  I start feeling like, I don't know how long I can do this; but then again, what choice do I have?!  "Not waiting" is no longer an option.  So I wait, and I wait, and work on coping mechanisms to keep myself sane (no comments as to the questionability of my sanity, please, hahahaha) for the long haul.

I've been crocheting a lot lately.  I made a bunch of baby booties, and baby bibs.  Too many for me to use, so I started giving some away.  I've decided to start making baby booties to give to the newborns at the hospital where I work.  Then I decided to make a blanket for a local fundraiser, a benefit auction for a young girl in our community who has neuroblastoma and her family.  That went well (the blanket-making, that is; the benefit is next week) so I'm making another blanket, this one will be a belated shower/wedding gift for my high school best friend.  Crocheting gives me something to focus on besides the fact that nothing is happening, adoption-journey-wise.  And I need as much of that as I can get right now!!

I will update when I hear from our case worker for the 6-month update, if there is indeed anything to update about.

Take care and let the people you love know that you love them!!!

Month Four . . .

Yep . . . we've passed the Four Month mark already and are heading plodding onward toward Month Five.  And it's a new year!  I hope everyone reading this has a happy, healthful, safe, and prosperous 2013.

In amongst the crazy busy-ness of the recent holiday season, our case worker emailed me for our 90-day review -- basically just to check in and find out if there have been any changes in our lives in the last 90 days.  It took me a few days to email her back because I was working up the courage to ask her . . . oh, by the way, do you know if anyone has looked at our portfolio yet?  I tried to be all sly and worked it in at the end of my response email (which was pretty short, anyway . . . no major life changes here recently . . . )

It took her a few days to respond to my response, although I'm sure it was for completely different reasons.  In that email, she told me that our portfolio had indeed been looked at, about six weeks prior -- but nothing since.  (And nothing of our concern obviously came from that viewing!)  I felt exactly the way I'd imagined I'd feel if I found out someone had looked at our portfolio but not chosen to meet with us: totally conflicted!  On one hand, I was thrilled to imagine that a potential birthmom had actually, on some level, considered us for however short of a time it ended up to be.  I was thrilled that someone had read our cover letter and been like, Yes!, I want to learn more about this family!  But I barely had time to start processing the happy feelings when the But, we didn't get picked thoughts started taking over.

And that's pretty how much how it's been in the last few weeks since I found this out -- when I think about it, I'm both encouraged and disappointed.  Hopeful, yet I have this underlying feeling of, "Was it something I said?"  It does my heart a world of good to know that someone actually looked at our portfolio, at those pages I poured my heart and soul into, and looked at so many times afterward imagining just that moment that I can still sometimes feel the exact weight of each page on my fingertips... but, I guess it's just not our time yet.

I wonder about the woman (I'm assuming) who looked at our portfolio.  Who was she?  Where does she live?  What's her story?  Who did she end up choosing?  I'll never know, of course.  All I know is that she wasn't Our Birthmother.  If she was, I wouldn't be writing about how we're still waiting to hear from her.  ;)

So . . . that's where we are now.  Recovering from the busy holiday season and settling in to make it through another Midwest winter. We were so spoiled last year with barely any snow, which is probably why we got about 20" in our first snowfall of the season last month!  Oh, well.  It's not so bad once you get used to it.  Not saying we haven't fantasized about moving south more than we care to admit recently, but, you know.  The weather is a huge topic around here -- if we didn't have such extremes, most of us wouldn't have any conversation starters.  Heh.

In somewhat-related news, my baby boy turns 15 years old in one week!!  I can't believe it.  He's been growing by leaps and bounds lately.  He's been taller than me for quite some time, but now he's closing in on DH as well.  I am continually amazed at how quickly this child has grown . . . not that he's grown yet, he's just so dang tall and, you know, will be legally old enough to operate a motor vehicle on public roads shortly (after receiving the appropriate instruction, of course!).  My baby boy, old enough to drive . . . wow.  Does NOT seem possible.  Considering that just today I was mistaken for my husband's daughter instead of his wife, I definitely do NOT feel old enough to have a driving teenager. :P

And on that note, I shall sign off for now.  Tonight I pray for those lucky families who have been "chosen" recently, and for those of us who are still waiting!

Public expectations and such.

Unless you've been living in a cave, you've probably heard by now that Prince William and Princess Kate are expecting their first baby, and that Princess Kate is in the hospital being treated for a condition called hyperemesis gravidarum (HG).  HG, as you may or may not already know, is essentially severe morning sickness.  Not to lighten the severity of the condition in any way, shape, or form, because it is serious business; we're talking dehydration and malnutrition, neither of which are good things for a growing fetus, as well as misery for the expectant Mom.  On a personal note, I had "pretty bad" morning sickness when I was pregnant with DS.  I was nauseated 24/7 for the first four or five months or so and was subject to the involuntary and abrupt emptying of my GI contents on a moment's notice or less.  And even though I actually lost 15 pounds during the first trimester because of that, I was able to stay hydrated and nourished, and able to continue working and taking care of the dogs and the house for the most part during that time.  It went away for me by the second half of my pregnancy and everything turned out fine.  But that was just "pretty bad" morning sickness, which I'd imagine is about 1/1000th of what it's like to have HG.  My heart goes out to her and to all women who are dealing with or have dealt with HG.

This news, however, brings up a topic that I felt like writing about today.  It's something I've dealt with for so long on my own, because it's just one of those things people don't talk about.  And if you've never had the misfortune of dealing with infertility or pregnancy loss, I'm only guessing that it's something that would never even cross your mind.  But if you have, you know where I'm going with this when I say that it's still hard to hear about "public pregnancies".  It's a sore subject, so bear with me here while I try to do a little advocacy.

In case you didn't already know, women (and probably men, too, but since I'm speaking from my own heart here, I can only represent the ladies) who are dealing with these kinds of issues can tend to be a little . . . sensitive.  Obviously, we know that most women in the world are NOT infertile and have no issues reproducing whatsoever, so we know we can't get away from hearing about other people's pregnancies and newborns and kids and all that.  And don't get me wrong, because in our hearts we truly are happy for those people and wish them nothing but the best.  It's just that jealousy can be a difficult thing to manage sometimes.  Infertility is unfair.  Being women, we're prone to constantly double- and triple-think things through anyway, but believe me when I say the "Why not me?" path is a bitch to have to deal with.  It's hard, and it hurts, to admit that there is nothing at all we can do to change our bodies and the way they're functioning (or in this case, dysfunctioning).  And although we know "the world" doesn't mean it that way, sometimes it feels like "the world" is rubbing our noses in the fact that we can't perform the one physical accomplishment that differentiates females from males.

(Don't get me started on "16 and Pregnant" or "Teen Mom"!!)

I struggled down the "Why not me?" path for a long, long time.  I can talk about it now, because I'm not on that path anymore; oh, sometimes it will come up as a fleeting thought, usually as a result of hearing something on the news or reading something in the paper and usually something far removed from my personal life, but it's not crippling anymore.  I know now that it's not because of me or who I am or what I've done in my past -- it's just biology.  "Shit happens" is a less eloquent way to put it, but still gets the point across.  Besides, I know now that I have other redeeming qualities that far overshadow the fact that I can't physically reproduce anymore.

When I heard on the news this morning about Princess Kate, I didn't feel an iota of "Why not me?" -- but this topic came to mind because I was thinking about all the other women out there who aren't past that stage yet, whose hearts are hurting with the news of this very public event for any of a wide variety of reasons.  I've been there.  I can relate.  But I can also testify that it is possible to get "over" that, to work through it and reach a point where you can accept that you don't meet certain "standards" (for lack of a better word), but that doesn't mean you're any less important or less valuable to the world.

And also, since I've brought up the topic of infertility, I can't neglect to mention that not all adoptive families choose adoption because of infertility.  There are many reasons people choose to adopt.  Infertility might be one of the most common reasons (but don't hold me to that, because I haven't researched it or anything) but it is by far NOT the only reason.  Adoption is nothing if not an act of love -- pure, unselfish, unadulterated, inexplicable love.  It is doing something solely for the benefit of the most innocent and helpless among us.  It's hard to define a "reason" to adopt (or to bless a child with an adoptive family) because it's so much more than that.  It's not really something you "decide" to do -- it's more of a calling.  I didn't realize how true that is until we became more involved in the process, and I wish that other people would realize it, too.

On that note, I feel like I've gone off on about fifty different tangents here, so I'll wrap it up and get back to thinking about pre-Christmas-decorating-house-cleaning on my unexpected day off.  Love and peace to you and yours!!

Closing in on Month 3...

Okay, I think I'm getting this "patience" thing down pretty darn well.  I don't jump when the phone rings, I don't act on the urges to go out and buy tons of baby things (although there are some darn cute things out there that I'm looking forward to having for our next child), and I haven't even started assembling the nursery yet.  The hubby occasionally reminds me that we've only been waiting for almost three months now, "which is nothing considering how many people wait years for a match".  Yeah, yeah, yeah; I know.  It's always at the forefront of my mind, but I think I'm doing a pretty good job of carrying on with life que usuel despite the fact that any minute now one of these days, we will get a phone call that will change our lives forever.

So I'm trying to be patient, and also trying not to worry.  I'm not usually a worrywart, but there is just so much to worry about right now!  I worry that it will take us years to be matched.  I worry about how we will all adjust to the changes that will be forced upon us once we add a baby to our mix.  I worry about how we will work out a suitable arrangement with the birthmother/family.  I worry about how the boy will react to not being the only child anymore.  I worry that I won't have enough strength to parent two children at opposite ends of the "childhood" spectrum.  I worry about losing sleep.  I worry about whether my Tahoe will last long enough to be used as a family vehicle (since it would take some pretty creative acrobatics to use a car seat in the Monte Carlo, and since the minivan has been commandeered for plumbing side job purposes, and since the hubby says we can't get a new Camaro "because you can't put a car seat in a Camaro!" which I'd like to take as a personal challenge).  I worry about what to do about work after we "have" a baby.  I worry that this will never happen.  I worry that it will happen too soon.  I worry that I'm worrying too much.  I worry that I'm not worrying enough.

Usually not, though.  For the most part, I'm able to let it be (Let Go and Let God, remember?) and carry on with life already in progress.  Honestly, I don't think about it much until people ask me how things are going.  I feel bad that I have to say, "No, nothing yet...".  Trust me, I cannot wait for the day when I will have a different answer -- in fact, you probably won't even have to ask me first!

Well, as National Adoption Awareness Month draws to a close, my thoughts and prayers are with everyone who has anything at all to do with keeping the miracle that is adoption alive and well.  May we all continue to be "adoption awareness" advocates the other eleven months of the year, too . . .