Wanna trade?

I remember hearing (or reading) once, or maybe a few times, somewhere (but I don't remember where) that if most people were given the choice to trade their "problems" with someone else's, most people would choose to keep their own "problems".  There was something about if everyone could throw their problems in a pile together and choose any other set of problems they'd like, they'd end up taking back their own.  I probably jumbled that somehow; it's just what I do.  (For that reason, I can't tell a joke to save my life, and I'm not so good at telling stories, either!)  

I've been thinking about that concept, though -- and isn't it just the truth?!  Not only because most of us aren't aware of most of the problems that weigh heavily on the hearts of our friends, neighbors, co-workers, or even family members, but also because, well, we just kind of get used to dealing with our own problems.  God doesn't give us more than we can handle, right?  (Although I'm not always so sure about that one!)  Everything that happens is part of His plan for us.  We couldn't really take on someone else's problems, but it's a good reminder of perspective, as well.  Everyone, I believe, is fighting their own battle against something.  

This weekend, I got hit with another episode of oh my gosh, this is taking forever, I don't think it's ever going to happen, why haven't we been chosen yet, I thought our portfolio was super awesome, was there something wrong with the pictures I chose, or did I have "too much" God in our portfolio, or are we too overweight, or did I put too much emphasis on the boy?  What if it's not meant to happen after all; I mean, it's not unheard of for families to go through all of this and then have something happen that makes them completely withdraw from the program, what if that happens to us, what could possibly happen that would make us do that NEVER MIND I don't want to think about that . . . but . . . we're not getting any younger, were we crazy to think we should do this?  Do young unwed teenage girls even consider adoption anymore??

And then the hubby reminds me that we haven't even been waiting for two months yet, really.  It feels like it's been much longer, since getting to the point where we had jumped through all the hoops and would be waiting to be chosen by a birthmom was on our "to-do" list since November of LAST year  But really, it hasn't been very long.  It's been almost seven weeks.  That's nothing.  Right?  No time at all.  But I'm starting to occasionally get that panicky feeling, not unlike when I was pregnant and also when I was in labor with the boy, when I was starting to think -- I don't know how much more of this I can take, and there's still no end in sight!!  But I can't get an epidural to take the edge off the anguish this time (and actually, I couldn't get one last time, either -- with the boy, I had what I now know is called 'precipitous labor' -- but that's a story for another time).  There's no concrete reassurance this time, no one to step in when I feel like I'm about to break and say, "Oh, you've made wonderful progress!  You are [exactly this close] to the end!"  

I know, I know; go ahead and laugh.  Life doesn't work that way, I know.  I've always struggled with patience.  I'm the kid who couldn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve and wanted to be up at 2am Christmas morning to see what was in my stocking; I just couldn't stand waiting until 6am to wake my sister up so we could go downstairs together.  (I don't know now why I didn't just go downstairs anyway . . . everyone else was sound asleep, I totally could have pulled it off!)  I have a history of not being able to sleep the night before big events take place . . . weddings, showers, parties, exams, etc.  Part of the reason nursing school was hell for me was because it just took so long (two years full-time, plus two years of part-time classes prior to that . . . plus me waiting until I was in my 30's to start . . . )

In my heart of hearts, I know that there is a lesson for me in all of this.  Just as finishing nursing school taught me to have some patience and a ton of perseverance, and to work through big problems a little bit at a time . . . this waiting game is teaching me to have even more patience, and faith.  I have to trust in the Lord with all of my might, because I have absolutely nothing else to trust in right now.  There is no earthly guarantee that this adoption thing is even going to happen, no living person who can look me in the eye and say, without a doubt, "YES, this will happen, and I know when, but I'm not going to tell you."  Only God can tell me that, and I believe He does, and bless Him for putting up with me even when I get impatient and stamp my feet and sigh dramatically and throw myself at His feet and beg him relentlessly to please make it happen soon!! No one else can console me when I start whining, "What if it doesn't happen, after all of this?"  Oh yes, I am definitely getting a lesson in what it means to have faith!  I mean, I thought I had faith before, but now . . . wow.  Just wow.  

So . . . while we're waiting . . . I've been keeping busy with some crocheting projects.  I bought a big skein of baby yarn, and haven't decided yet what to make with it.  I'm thinking an afghan, but, we'll see.  I'm not in a rush to start that one.  I also started making an afghan for my son's room, in his school colors (red, black and white); I was originally making it for me to use next year when we go to football games and marching band competitions (I quickly learned this year that having blankets with is a VERY good idea, those bleachers get cold especially once the sun goes down!), but decided that it would look better in his room instead.  Besides, and here's something you might not already know about me, I'm a blanket hog.  I just love blankets and probably have about fifty begillion of them.  Alright, that's a slight exaggeration, but, I do have a hard time passing up a good blanket.  And I have an even harder time getting rid of them once I've bought them.  They're just so versatile!  You can't go wrong with a good blanket.

All this talk of blankets is making me yearn to get upstairs and under the ones on my bed.  I worked the night (as in overnight) shift last night, so it's just about my bedtime now, even though most of the civilized world is probably on it's 2nd or 3rd cup of coffee already.  Hey . . . someone's gotta keep the world running while the rest of you are sleeping.  ;)

Take care, and God bless!!  And ask Him to send me some more patience, if you don't mind, please and thank you.

No news is . . .

 . . . exactly as stated: no news.

The end!

:)

Sometimes I feel like posting a long, blank entry, just to give you an idea of how waiting feels: like a blank page just waiting to be filled.  Believe me, I wish I had more to write about on a daily or otherwise more-often-than-I-have-been basis.  I suppose I could write about the so-called "rest of our lives", i.e. how life is going on despite (or maybe in spite of?) the fact that we're waiting patiently for a call that hasn't come yet.  But since you're probably reading this from the link I'll be posting on my Facebook page shortly, you probably already have a good idea of what's been happening.  :)  And, it's been effectively keeping my mind off of The Big Wait, most of the time.  Which is good -- not like you need me to point that out to you -- but if I had nothing to do but sit around and wait, I'd be waiting from the Funny Farm right now, trying to type with my feet since my hands would be bound in a straight jacket.

But, I digress!!

I love it when people tell me that they've had dreams about our future addition!  I should have started keeping a tally of boy dreams vs. girl dreams.  :)  Or twins vs. singletons.  :O  Hahaha!  I certainly am not going to rely on the "hidden messages" in my own dreams -- they're as confusing as anything.  This week, the baby I dreamt of was a girl.  Last week, a boy.  The week before that, a teenager.  My dreams are inundated with different ways of us having another child, as they have been for as long as I can remember, only this time I don't feel sad when I awaken and realize it was just a dream; this time it gives me a sense of inner happiness because I know that, one day, it will be true.

Operation: Lactation Initiation continues on a slow but steady path.  Last week I didn't pump for pretty much the whole week, as I was busy with work and then out of town with DS' high school marching band, and at this point I'm not so dedicated that I'm pumping around the clock or no matter where we are, yet.  I do try to keep a regular schedule when I'm at home and it's convenient.  This week I've been pretty consistent most days.  There's still not enough to nourish a tiny new human, but there's more than there was last week!

Other than that, life goes on.  Every time the phone rings and the caller ID comes up with "Unknown Number", I hope that it's The Call and not another political call . . . but so far I've been wrong, every single time.  My heart doesn't even skip a beat when the phone rings anymore.  I guess that's one way of teaching me to be patient!

Last weekend, while riding across the great state of Wisconsin on a coach bus, I found myself scanning the vast landscape before me and wondering where she is . . . our birthmom.  We passed so many towns, it was easy to imagine that she's out there somewhere.

In our adoption education class, we were warned (for lack of a better word) that once word got out, we'd start hearing from all kinds of well-intentioned people about someone knowing someone who has a neighbor or a cousin or a niece who is pregnant and wants to give her baby up for adoption.  Well, so far I've only heard two such stories.  It gives me hope -- not that we'll find our birthmom through that method, but it gives me hope that there will be someone out there who decides to place her child with an adoptive family instead of parenting or having an abortion.

That's about all I've got for now.  Thank you for the prayers, and please keep them coming!!  Until next time, whenever that may be . . .

Retail therapy?

Among other things that make me occasionally question whether I really do have two X chromosomes (like my lack of fashion sense or interest therein, my inability to decorate a room to save my life, and my general avoidance of all things pink and/or flowery), I happen to not really enjoy shopping.  It's a necessary evil -- I do NOT understand people who shop just for fun.  And people who go shopping on Black Friday?  No way, no how!  I used to work in retail -- I still have nightmares about working on Black Friday, about dealing with people driven insane by sales and lower prices.  Usually those nightmares (no, I wasn't kidding!) deal with me having a looooong line of impatient customers, and being stuck in front of a register that doesn't work.  There's probably something to that, but we'll save dream interpretation for another time, mmkay?

That being said, there are times when I don't hate shopping.  For instance, I don't think I've ever hated shopping at IKEA.  I love that place!  We only go a couple times a year since it's about an hour or so away, but still . . . even when it's crazy busy, I don't mind it.  Another thing I don't hate is shopping at thrift stores and, to a lesser extent, rummage sales.  I think the key there is that I like finding really good deals.  If I have to spend money, I want to spend as little as possible.

There's a reason I'm rambling about shopping.  I officially started buying baby stuff this weekend.  Well, not counting the breastpump I bought over the summer, or the crib/changing table and Pack & Play I also bought over the summer (all of the above purchased "gently used", thus at really good prices! hee hee hee).  Our church's annual silent auction ended just this weekend, and a few entries ago I mentioned that I was drawn to a particular basket that had a bib with a stethoscope printed on it.  It looks something like this file photo that I found via Google:

(and it doesn't say "Doctor", lol)

Well . . . I WON IT!!  :)  And along with this bib, I also am the proud owner of like four little infant outfits, two packages of wipes, two big things of baby lotion, one big container of baby wash, one big container of baby shampoo, a baby hair brush and comb, and a water-temperature-sensitive rubber ducky for the bathtub to make sure I don't scald my new precious cargo.  Hypothetically speaking.

In other words . . . the first brand-new stuff for the baby we don't have yet.

And I feel kinda weird about it.  I mean, it's kind of exciting and fun to have this tiny human stuff in my possession again, but the superstitious part of me is very hesitant to be too excited about it.  I have a new pile of stuff started in the spare bedroom now -- "baby stuff" -- but it still feels more like I've picked this stuff up for someone else, not me.  

I don't plan on making a habit out of this, not until we are much farther along in this journey.  :)

Anyway . . . we've been in the book of waiting families for a month now!  It doesn't seem like it's only been one month, and it also seems like it's been much longer than that.

On that note, I'm signing off for tonight.  Keep your fingers crossed . . . like one of my best friends said, "pray for faulty condoms!"  :D

Hurry up and wait.

Did you know that, for all the books out there that are designed to help your child deal with the addition of a new little sibling, there aren't any to help your teenaged child deal with the addition of a new sibling? 

Well, if such a book exists, I haven't been able to find it!

Alright -- in all honesty, I haven't looked that hard for one, yet.  But I'd be really surprised to find out one does exist.  I know we're in less-traveled territory here, but it's definitely not uncharted, right?  I know we're a little unusual (keep your comments to yourselves, peanut gallery) in having a teenager and planning for a newborn, but it's not so outrageous and completely unheard of that there haven't been any words of wisdom, advice, or even just personal stories out there to give us a little more insight as to what we might be getting ourselves into . . . right?

Not that I have a problem with winging it and figuring things out as we go along.  I've kind of been doing that my whole life, heh heh heh.  And it's also not that I have any particular worries about how this is going to pan out.  DS is pretty well-adjusted, easy-going, and smart . . . I think we're doing a good job with him.  I hope we do as good of a job with the next one!!

Operation Lactation Initiation continues to progress slowly.  I've had some results, not near enough to sustain any kind of life, but enough (relatively speaking) to boost my confidence in making this happen.  The electric pump isn't even so bad, now that I've had time to get used to it.  

And so, we continue to wait . . . and wait . . . and wait . . . 

"Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience." James 1: 3

You know what?  Being a potential adoptive family, waiting for The Phone Call to come in during the months leading up to a presidential election, is . . . well, my inclination is to say "it sucks", but that's not exactly true.  It's teaching me not to jump every time the phone rings, which is several times a day.  I don't drop everything and race to the phone as soon as it rings to see who is calling, because I know it's most likely some non-adoption-related message waiting for me.  I'm more annoyed than anything, but that's nothing new . . . I don't like using the phone.  I'm guessing that most people reading this know that about me already, heh heh heh, but it's true.  Voicemail is my BFF, because I hardly ever answer the phone.

ANYWAY . . .

Operation Lactation Initiation continues!!  I've been taking fenugreek three times a day for about a week now, and then today I started pumping.  While I was trying to figure out how to put the electric breastpump together, I discovered that it has a manual pump attachment, too.  Hey, give me a break, I'm new to this!!  :) I decided that would be a good way to get started . . . until I can work myself up to hooking "the girls" up to a milking machine.  I'll get there, I know, because I can only stand about 2-3 minutes of manual pumping before my hands tire out (that much I do remember from back in the day), but for these first few days or so, I figure I'll just keep doing it manually, until I get used to it again.

In case you're wondering, no, I'm not having any results yet.  I'm not expecting to, yet.  Everything I've read says it will take time to start actually producing milk.  It is a bit discouraging already, pumping and pumping and pumping and getting absolutely nothing.

I do hope to get on a more regular schedule, but for now I'm just pumping for a few minutes whenever I feel like it.  Which has been twice so far today.  I try to make sure I'm as relaxed as I can possibly be, in a nice, quiet room, and totally clear my mind of everything but making my body produce nourishment for an as-of-yet-unknown new baby human.  Which I know will come easier in time as well, because mostly right now I'm finding myself spending most of my time trying to get comfortable.  There are some unique challenges to pumping when you're not yet lactating.  There's a difference between a deflated balloon and one full of water.  I'll leave it at that.

So, this is my plan . . . continue taking fenugreek, continue keeping in mind that I'm hoping to be lactating soon and thus avoiding any potential harmful substances (alcohol, medications, etc.) as much as I can, and continue pumping -- manually for now, but building up to longer sessions with the electric pump.

And checking voicemail a few times a day, just in case one of those calls isn't some political party or another . .  :)

Psalm 25:4-5 
Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long

2 Thessalonians 3:5 
May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance.