You get the point. It was not too many months ago, either. I heard this song and I wanted to cry. I couldn't, because I was emotionally numb, but I wanted to. It spoke to me.
I say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine, oh I'm fine, yes I'm fine,
But I'm not; I'm broken.
And when it's out of control, I say it's under control,
But it's not; and you know it.
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it.
Being honest is the only way to fix it.
There's no failure, no fall, there's no sin you don't already know,
So let the truth be told.
Because, I know, right?!? That's it, right there. That's how I feel when I'm crashing and burning having a flare-up of my depression. Why is it so hard to admit that things aren't fine? Why do I feel like my worries and fears aren't worth mentioning? I would never, ever, ever tell anyone that their concerns weren't valid, so why do I try not to make a big deal out of what lies on my own heart?
Lie number one: you're supposed to have it all together.
I know. I'm an adult now. I've been one for a while. I've been married forever (over half my life), I've got an adult child, life is supposed to be my bitch right now. Right?
Why'd it get so quiet??
Here, watch a video.
Really, and I do mean this sincerely, I am fine right now. I've been wanting to share this song for a while. Mental-health-wise, things are going great! What a difference medication compliance makes! Do as I say and not as I do, kids. 😷 Although, the other morning I had a random near-panic-attack and I'm still not sure why.
I've always had stage fright. Ever since as long as I can remember, even way back in kindergarten, I've been super nervous being up on stage in front of an audience. Or in front of a class, alone or in a small group. I would be literally sick and kind of zone out when I had to give reports in school. Just hearing the words "oral report" would make my stomach drop to the ground. I don't know how I ever managed to sing duets at choir concerts in high school, or even sing in the choir at all for that matter. It didn't get much better when I got older and supposedly more confident in myself, either. When I was barely 18-19ish (or maybe even 17ish, I don't remember anymore), part of my job was training new cashiers at Wards. I would have classes of like a dozen people and I have to talk to them alllllll night. I don't know how I did that.
Anyway, in an effort to break out of my comfort zone and get over my stage fright, I decided to start volunteering to lector at church. I was nervous at first, and was feeling all the usual anxiety and zoning out and everything, but I was also learning how to get over that, and making myself calm down and it was getting easier and I was feeling much more at ease and not afraid of reading in front of groups of people again, when the pandemic hit and we stopped doing in-person church services for a while.
Well, we started doing in-person church services again recently. (In the meantime, we'd been doing drive-up church, but that's a different topic!) And a few weeks ago, started taking volunteers for lectoring again, so I signed up right away. Last week was my turn again. It wasn't even my first time this summer doing it. I don't know what it was exactly, but once I got up there, I suddenly couldn't catch my breath. There weren't any difficult words in the Scripture I was reading, it wasn't even a long passage, but I felt like I couldn't catch my breath and it was all I could do to keep standing upright and I was sure everyone could hear my voice wavering and cracking. As soon as I was done, I sat back down and broke out into a sweat. I looked at my pulse on my FitBit and it was about 120. Which is waaaaay too high! It was weird.
Anyway. Welcome to my life. I better get back to work now. TTYL!
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