Actually, I have vivid dreams pretty often. I think it's a side effect of my medication, or something.
Anyway, this particular dream involved several recurring elements, the main one being my Dad; and the other one being that we were in Grand Rapids, the town where both my parents were born and raised. Okay, there was another recurring element as well: we were at my Godparents' house -- in this case, my Godparents being my Dad's best friend from high school and into adulthood and his then-wife, "then" meaning the time when I was a kid and we were spending a lot of weekends up there with them (yes, I feel I must clarify this because I have two sets of Godparents or at least two Godmothers, I don't know, families are confusing). Only we were the ages we are now, and my Godparents weren't living in that house anymore, but apparently we were.
Anyway, so my Dad was back again, alive but not exactly well, but walking on his own and mentally coherent and stuff. But in the dream, we all (and by "all" I mean the only other people I remember being there were my Mom and my hubby) knew -- including my Dad -- that he was only there for a short time and wasn't going to be staying very long. I mean, it really was like he had come back to visit. Anyway, I remember in the dream, he was sitting on the couch in the living room and I was trying to find a phone for him. Then I found one and I was like, "Who do you want to talk to first? Uncle Joel or Cousins Davies?" and he was like, "I don't know, whoever you call first, it doesn't matter to me," so I called my cousin (and yes, we call him Cousins Davies in real life, it's a long story) (oh and for that matter, Uncle Joel isn't really my flesh and blood uncle, he's the aforementioned Godfather with whom my Dad was friends with from childhood) and gave the phone to my Dad, and that's about all I remember of that part. I also remember that while my Dad was on the phone, my Mom was sitting outside on a park bench in the yard just zoning out, and I was like, Don't you want to come inside and spend some time with Dad before he leaves again? And she just looked right through me and kept staring off into space. So I went back in the house and while my Dad was finishing up his call, I was trying to think of all the things I've thought of in the last, what, 17+ months that I've wanted to ask him so I could ask him but I couldn't recall a darn one and it was frustrating because I know there have been a ton of things I've wanted to ask him or talk to him about, and there I had the chance and couldn't think of anything.
And that's about all I remember.
I have a lot of dreams about my Dad. I think I've mentioned that before. I remember, a few weeks after he died, I admitted that to my Mom because she said she wished he'd come visit her in a dream. And I blurted out that I'd had several dreams like that already. And then she looked sad and I didn't want to make her feel worse than she already did, so I stopped mentioning that around her. Because, I don't know why she wouldn't have dreams about him, but I would. It didn't make sense to me. Except that I want to believe with all my heart and soul that I was his favorite person in the whole wide world, but you can't say something like that to your own mother, ever in your life, especially not right after your father (and her husband of 60+ years) has passed away. That's just downright cruel. So I keep it to myself.
Anyway...
We were having a discussion the other day. Sort of. Not my Mom and I, because that would be silly! But we were talking about mental health illness and demonic possession. And now you're like, Whoa! That escalated quickly! It stemmed from this week's sermon, where I actually felt compelled to write down a few notes (and I am not implying by that that the sermons aren't usually interesting, because they are; I just mean that usually I'm sitting in the AV booth listening for key words so I know when to advance to the next slide, and in the meantime I'm listening to the sermon but trying not to get so lost in it that I forget to listen for the key words, or if I'm not understanding or relating to what he's saying, or if the AV booth is particularly messy I'll start tidying up or I'll grab some Clorox wipes or alcohol wipes and start cleaning things. But this week, some concepts such as, sometimes people do bad things just because they do bad things -- not because the devil was involved. Um, what? I have to ponder that for a while. Me and my un-Biblically-educated self. I'm working on that part. For the second year in a row now, I'm reading the Bible in a year. I think I could do the Bible in a year for about ten years in a row and still feel like I don't know much about it. But, I digress; unlike my hubby, many of my beliefs have come about from experience and not through teachings. (I don't mean that he hasn't experienced them; I mean that he grew up being taught these concepts first and then seeing them played out in real life, where I've kind of seen a lot of crapola played out in real life and then learned later that there are actual names for these things, such as Grace and Mercy and Sin and such. It makes more sense in my head than it does in words.)
Because for a long time, I struggled with wondering why people do bad things. Not even just bad things, but really malicious, cruel things to other people. I don't mean, like, serial killer things, either. I mean, things like lying for no apparent reason. Hurting another person for no apparent reason. What's the underlying "apparent reason"? And then I learned that it could be Satan. That made a lot of sense to me. And now, I'm learning that it might not be, after all? That people might just be that evil at heart? I don't know. There's a lot of depth here that I can't formulate into words. I'm not as completely shattered as I might sound like I am, it's just something else I have to think about.
Which, I don't know if you've ever read the Bible or not, but that will definitely give you something to think about. Like just when you think you understand something, you don't. It's definitely interesting and thought-provoking.
Anyway...
That's about all I've got for now. I'm blogging after work because I had to get this off my mind before I lost it. There were other things I wanted to write about from this week's sermon but I can't remember what they were, dangit. I should actually keep my notes next time so I can refer back to them, I suppose.
Another point I wanted to make is that depression just sucks. I'm not in a down cycle right now, but I am definitely fighting one off. I wonder what it's like to not be constantly fighting off a depressive down cycle? I wonder what it's like to be one of those people that always has to be moving, always has to be doing something, instead of someone who can be content just sitting around like a blob and not doing anything? Or one of those people who can see that something needs to be done and just does it? Like the dishes, or putting clean clothes away, or mopping the floor, or changing the cat litter box... sometimes I just hear people complaining about how it sucks being chronically ill and I'm like yep, I know what that's like. I don't think of depression as a chronic illness, but it is. And somehow I manage to live with it, and I have for almost 40 years. 40 years of fighting this stupid mental illness. Sometimes it feels like it's going to break me, and sometimes it does break me. But it hasn't won. And it's not going to win. I am going to win. Even when I don't feel like a winner, I am going to keep fighting. Even if I have to fight from the couch, or my bed, or behind a mountain of clothes that need to be put away or an even bigger mountain of clothes that need to be washed.
Tell me that's not the devil sneaking in and trying to break me. Tell me, if that's not the evil one, why I feel better and stronger after I pray about it, and ask God for help. Tell me why I feel more like a "normal" person the more time I spend reading Scripture and serving others in God's name and glorifying His name?
That's what I thought.
I'm gonna sign off now. I've been sitting in front of this computer waaaaaaaay too long today!
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