It took two hours to drive to work this morning. It normally takes only one hour. Why did it take so long? Because construction. Long story short, there are basically two major thoroughfares from the state where I live into the state where I work in my part of the woods (because you have to cross a river) and this summer, there is going to be major construction on both routes, joy to the world. Well, construction has already started on the southernmost route, which is not my primary route anymore (it used to be, before we moved a few years ago), so a lot of the traffic that would normally be on the southernmost route has decided to detour themselves to the northernmost route. Construction hasn't even started on this route yet, and it's already backed up so that it takes me twice as long to get to work as usual. I have the feeling it's going to be a long summer at this rate. I think my honest-to-God tolerance for a commute to work is about 65 minutes on a regular basis, 90 minutes intermittently. 120 minutes feels like it's scratching on every single last nerve I have. Seriously! I spent the second half of the "drive" to work this morning daydreaming about how nice it would be to work closer to home.
The only good thing is that I got awesome gas mileage since we didn't go faster than about 50mph for the last hour. But still...not worth it. I don't want to leave home at 0530 to get there at 0730. I don't want to spend 4 hours or more A DAY commuting to work. I'm going to have to either find some serious back roads to take to work, figure out a way to work from home a lot, or spend more time than I had originally planned staying at my parents' house this summer if this is how the drive is going to be. Because I can't do it.
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It's hard, isn't it? When you've been working so hard to be filled with the Holy Spirit and to show grace and mercy to those around you, even and especially those who have done you wrong, because you really feel in your heart that that is the right thing to do, because you've tried the alternative and you know there's nothing good about that. Seriously, holding grudges isn't any good. Hating other people isn't any good. All those things about forgiving others because the only person you're hurting is yourself if you don't are so true. I have plenty of good reasons to hate a few people in this world, but I'm choosing not to anymore, because why? It doesn't matter to them if I hate them or not. It's just taking up space in my mind and in my heart, space and time that I should be using to focus on loving others anyway. I've felt so much peace since I've given up hating other people and regretting doing things that I wish I hadn't done in the past. Not that it's been easy to just turn the other cheek, so to speak, but once you start doing it, it starts becoming second nature.
So you (I) know in your (my) heart there's nothing good about being mad at someone who doesn't even know you're mad at them, someone who won't even talk to you or anything, that it's just a moot point and you should just let it go instead of letting it bother you (me). I know these things. I know the best thing for me to do is, um, you know...Let Go and Let God. I've given Him this particular trouble so many times in the past, but then I keep taking it back. Why do I keep taking it back? Because I think I can fix it somehow? I can't. It's not fixable. Maybe in time...nope. Maybe just a little more time...nope. Maybe in a different situation...nope. And in case you don't speak Cryptic Tash, I'm talking about my sister here.
I'm talking about the fact that I'm just not as mad as I want to be at the fact that she won't visit my parents, even though my Mom has asked her to many times. The fact that she doesn't want to see my Dad "in his condition" and blames it on the fact that he called her by my name the last time she saw him, or at least that's what she's telling my Mom. The fact that she doesn't even ask how he's doing, or how my Mom's doing, or offers to help at all in any way, shape, or form. That's fine, because we don't need her help, anyway. I want to be outraged by this. But I'm not. I'm not surprised by any of her actions, or lack thereof. I'm not surprised that she hasn't had a change of heart and that we can't rely on her for anything and that she refuses to be reasonable and talk about this like an adult. I want to just go off and totally blast her and rip her to shreds for hurting my parents like she has. She doesn't even know. She doesn't even care. THAT is what pisses me off the most.
Not exactly sure where I was going to take this next. I guess I just needed to vent because it does still bother me, but not in a personal way anymore. She can't hurt me anymore, maybe she realizes that, too, and that's why she's going after my parents now. Whatever her reasoning is, all I will continue to do is pray that 1. she stops hurting my parents. They have done nothing wrong. If they did, it wasn't intentional. None of us are perfect parents. We do the best with what we know at the time. 2. that she opens her heart to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I mean REALLY opens her heart to the Triune God and accepts Jesus as her Lord and Savior one day. Not for my sake, not for my parents' sake, but for her own sake. She is filled with so much hate. It saddens me that anyone at all would live like that.
Love one another. That is all.
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