Well, no, it has not. I wrote a couple of drafts, and then deleted them. Intentionally. I don't even remember exactly why anymore. They were either too dull or too spicy. Because I'm totally extreme like that, ha ha ha ha. Nah, more than likely they were too depressing. Usually, before I write a new entry in here, I go back and read the previous entry -- not just to see what I had last written (you know, in case I was actually doing this more often, to "see where I left off"), but also to help switch myself and my writing style into blogging mode.
Well, as you might be able to tell for yourself, the last entry I wrote before this one is super depressing. In fact, I opened up this site today totally not intending to write anything depressing, but after reading that, I'm filled with sadness and can feel the tears welling up in my eyes again. Not that I haven't thought of Max since then -- au contraire! He shows up in my dreams so often, it's like he's still around. I just haven't thought of that day and those moments for a while.
So, let's change the topic now, shall we? Before I go down That Rabbit Hole and end up having to scrap a whole 'nother blog entry and start the second half of my workday as a blubbering mess. I mean, at least I don't have to be on camera anymore today, so there's that, but I still have to accomplish things and talk to people.
I don't remember if I wrote about my Via de Cristo weekend last year or not. So hold on....and, I did not. Durnit!
Well, if you Google it, you can find viadecristo.org, which will tell you that "The Via de Cristo Ministry includes a structured three-day weekend designed to strengthen and renew the faith of Christian people, bringing them to a new awareness of living in God's grace." and that is as good of a way to describe it as I could attempt to come up with on my own. Anyway, last year I went through as a participant, and this year was my first year serving as a volunteer. It was completely and totally amazing this year! Last year, even after going through it, I still had some reservations. I might talk about those some other time, but then again, I might not because they don't matter anymore.
It's just amazing. I know I already used that word, but I can't think of a better one right now. I feel so alive, so re-energized and rejuvenated, so filled with the Holy Spirit and re-focused on the world and my place in it. And "all" I did all weekend was pray for other people. And that's all I want to keep doing. It's so hard to explain. I want to share it here, and I've been trying to come up with the right words, but none of them are strong enough. They just aren't. I guess you just have to trust me on this one.
It's still a bit awkward for me, sometimes, though. Being religious. I wasn't raised this way. I was baptised as a baby. I didn't go to Sunday School or Confirmation. There was a Bible on the bookshelf in our house growing up that I opened once or twice, but I never saw anyone else touch it. There was a plate on that bookshelf that had the Lord's Prayer on it, too, which is where I learned the prayer that Jesus taught us all to pray. Oh yeah, there was also a plaque in the kitchen with the Serenity Prayer which I don't believe is actual Scripture, now that I'm older and wiser, ha ha. We prayed before meals, but I had the words wrong for half my childhood.
But I've never claimed NOT to believe in God, either. I've always believed in a higher power. I've always believed in God. And by that, I guess I meant that I believed in Heaven and Hell, and I believed in prayer, and I believed that there was a set of God-given rules that I should follow to be a better person. But I didn't know why, exactly. I've always believed that God could and would help me out of any terrible situation I managed to find myself in (because He did, more times than I care to admit)!
I guess, looking back on my life choices (mostly the not great ones) and trying to recall what my feelings were at the time, you could say that I had the very basic core beliefs (although where I found them, I still can't say for sure), I've just been fine-tuning the details over the last 5, 10, 25 years. Especially the last 5-10 or so. With ever-increasing interest as time goes by. The more I learn, the more I want to learn.
Anyhoo. It's just nice to feel hopeful about everything again! I know nothing externally has changed. I wish I could make everyone feel as I do right now: uplifted, inspired, and helpful. God is going to use me to do great things in the world, I can just feel it. He already has. I don't even need to know what those things are, I just know that I'm on the right path. I wish I could get everyone I know to find their paths, too. If they haven't already.
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So, yeah. That's about all I have time for today, kids. This is probably the ultimate #IYKYK. And I hope you know. Because it's awesome. God's grace is amazing. You have no idea if you don't know. And if you don't know, you should know.
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