Why do so many other people have confidence, but I don't?
What is WRONG with me!?!?
Wait...don't answer that last one.
Hi! And welcome to another installation of Tash's Random Thoughts and Outpourings. If I changed that to Random Outpourings and Thoughts, I could call it TROT, which is horse-related and therefore uber-cool. Remember when "uber" was a wanna-be-cool way to say "super" and not a driving service? Man oh man, I have a headache. I hope it's not a tumor. It's probably due to the weather change, and/or leftover from me trying to go all day yesterday without any caffeine. I didn't intend to go without caffeine all day yesterday, but I was out of diet Dew at home and didn't have time to stop and get any before work. I was going to run up to Wal-Mart on my lunch break and get some, but due to minor schedule changes, that didn't happen, and I didn't feel like having coffee at work because I didn't have any creamer there (and I like my creamer with a little bit of coffee) and besides, ice water was suiting me just fine yesterday in the moment. Work was keeping me busy enough that I could brush off the headache I was getting until after work when I was taking my mom shopping. That's when I broke down and bought a 6-pack of diet Dew. OK, I didn't "break down," I was going to buy one anyway. Actually, my mom bought it for me, which was totally unnecessary but she insisted, and it was easier than arguing with her. My point being, it'd been a long time since I went that long on so little caffeine, I was pleasantly surprised at how functional I was. I was chugging water all day to try to fend off the headache, but it still hit me, and I still have a headache now which may or may not be related.
I mean, it could be a tumor. No offense at all to my friends who have actually had (or have) brain tumors. I should know better than to make light of such a horrible condition. On the other hand, I know that headaches can sometimes be a sign of something more sinister. But it's probably just the weather changing.
But back to my original question, which is inspired by the fact that I had my annual review this week. I always dread the annual review. I always have, since my very first job. It doesn't seem to get any easier, thank you, Anxiety. I've been ruminating on why that could be, and why I have the particular faults I have. Not just at work, but in life. Because, let's face it, one thing I've never been known for is having a lot of self-confidence.
This never seemed to be an issue until the last 10-15 years or so. I was always "just shy". In my first semester of nursing school, in our first clinical rotation, our instructor told me I needed to be louder and more outspoken. I could've died right then and there, yo. Calling me out like that?? I'm just shy. It's just how I am. I can't fix it. I don't like drawing attention to myself. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a nurse.
I have since come to understand what she was getting at, though. It wasn't the first time, nor the last, that I was assured in not so many words that I had the knowledge and skills to do exactly what needed to be done, I just lacked the courage to actually do it. Words that continue to haunt me to this day.
I don't understand it. It's not as though I was constantly belittled when I was growing up. Au contraire, my parents were very supportive and encouraging. My sister, not so much, but by the time I was old enough to understand that, I was also old enough to understand sibling rivalry so I tried not to let it get to me. Maybe it did, anyway? Your guess is as good as mine at this point.
One can only ruminate on the past and speculate on these things for so long, though.
Also, one can only put off finishing a blog entry for so long. For example, I wrote all of the above last Thursday, and here it is Monday, and I'm trying to remember where I was going with that last sentence. I hate it when that happens!
Anywho, even though I don't recall which path I was trying to take to get there, my point was to be that I am hereby officially working on ways to boost my own confidence. The word "affirmation" keeps running through my mind, so I'm starting there. Telling myself all the time that I can do the thing. It sounds so basic, doesn't it? But this is what depression and anxiety can do to a person. It's always in the background, telling me I can't do the thing, or I shouldn't do the thing, or if I do the thing incorrectly I'll mess everything else up, or it would be much better if someone else did the thing because they're better at it than me. I h8 you, Depression and Anxiety. You suck. Would you please just leave me alone, for the rest of my life? Can I break up with Depression and Anxiety? I never asked them to invade my life, anyway. Are there any tests out there yet that can localize where exactly in my brain these ideas are coming from so someone can go in and zap them out and I can be a normal person again who doesn't have to psych herself up to do things that normal people just do without even thinking about it because that's just what it's like to be normal?
Go, me. Identifying the problem is half the solution. Or so I hear.
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