Letting go...

Well...thank you for all of the prayers, well-wishes, happy thoughts, words of encouragement, support, hugs, prayers, and any other kind of emotional expression you have shared with us over the last four years or so, on our adoption journey.

Our journey is over, but please don't be sad.  We're not.

It wasn't an easy decision to make, but just as strongly as we all felt that we were doing the right thing four years ago or so when we started attending informational sessions and gathering information on how to be involved in the domestic newborn adoption program, know that we now feel this is the right thing to do.  We've cancelled our contract with the adoption agency.  We've pulled our portfolios; in fact, they're both sitting in an envelope, on my desk, as I write this.

I don't know why we were never "chosen", but I do know that there is a lesson in all of this.  I don't know what that lesson is yet, but I still know that we're going through exactly what God wants us to go through.  His timing is always perfect, His plans are always flawless.  He blessed us with one child of our own, and that child is more than we could have ever dreamed of having.  I know I'm biased because I'm a proud mom and all, but seriously: we are truly blessed, far beyond our wildest dreams.  Our son is healthy, happy, super smart, talented, and truly and completely the apple of my eye.  I have always felt kind of weird for wanting another child, when the one we have already was the answer to so many prayers.

Like I said to DH a few weeks ago...we tried.  We did our best, but it wasn't meant to be.  I could run through the "what if"s until I'm blue in the face, but what's the point of that?!

So, thank you again, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, for all of the support you've given us on this journey.  Please continue to pray for those families who are still waiting, and those families who are finding themselves in unplanned situations where they aren't sure what to do next.

All of our love,
T, P, & S

994 days...

Hello again!  It's hard to believe we're closing in on 1,000 days of this journey of waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting...

I remember when our journey of waiting first started.  I jumped every time the phone rang.  I made sure I always had my cell phone with me, on, and charged so that I wouldn't miss The Phone Call.  I remember having a slight panic attack one time when I was chaperoning a band trip and my phone battery died...I calmed myself down with the fact that DH was at home and the home phone would work just fine, if needed.  It wasn't needed, but that wasn't the point.  I used to worry about making vacation plans, because what if we got The Call during that time?!

I've become quite lax in that aspect.  :)  Every so often we get "unknown name" calls from in-state numbers (I answered one today, it was a political thing) that make me think, "Maybe this is it!" but I know that it likely will not be "it".

I'm not completely lax, though; I've just kind of shifted my obsession from the phone, to my email.  When I check my email, I hurriedly scan through the list of senders to see if our caseworker's name appears at all, hoping that it does, hoping that she's emailing me about a potential match or a birthmom situation that she thinks we might be interested in.  That hasn't happened for a while, either, but you never know.

Speaking of never knowing, it occurred to me a few weeks ago that every day that goes by without a phone call or an email feels like getting another "BFN" as they call it in the online infertility world.  That stands for "big fat negative" and, as you may have gathered from this entry's photo, refers to the result of a home pregnancy test.  And speaking of my obsessions...at least former obsessions, hahaha...

I haven't talked about my own infertility here (or anywhere, actually!) all that much.  When I was going through it -- "it" meaning "trying to get (and stay) pregnant" -- I never thought of myself as infertile; I could get pregnant, I just couldn't stay pregnant.  The doctors I would see would tell me not to worry about it, that I was young and it would happen eventually and I should quit worrying about it because that was probably making it worse.  And then they told me I should stop trying because it probably wasn't ever going to happen.  And then, miracle of miracles, I got pregnant with DS (after losing five pregnancies) and had an uneventful pregnancy and carried him to term and had an uneventful labor and delivery.  It was surreal.  It still has it's surreal moments.  In hindsight, I wish I would've tried harder to find answers; to find out why I was having so many issues and then to find out what to do about it, instead of just letting the chips fall where they may, and waiting until my late 30's to find out that I had severe endometriosis and uterine fibroids (and probably had for years) which very likely could have explained why I had had so much trouble in the reproduction department.  But, no sense dwelling on that now.  None of us can change anything in the past, but it is part of my story and part of what brought me to where we are today, on the journey of waiting to be part of an open adoption.

The point I was going to make is that, during the time when DH and I were trying to have a baby, I went through a LOT of home pregnancy tests.  Every time my period was late (which was most of the time), I'd have to test.  Too bad they didn't have punch cards for those things, like a "buy ten, get one free!" deal.  Anyway, most of the time I got the BFN.  It was devastating at first, and always disappointing, but not unexpected after a while.

That's exactly how I feel now, every day.  When a day goes by that our caseworker doesn't call or email, I feel like I just peed on a stick and got another BFN.  Every. Day.  It was devastating at first, and always disappointing, but not unexpected.  I guess, like in the old days, I just acknowledge it, let it go, and hope that the next time brings better results.  Because, like in the old days, I have faith that it will happen; that "better results" are just around the next corner, or maybe the next one, or possibly the one after that.  I don't know when, but one of these days we'll get that phone call or email.  I remember that feeling of getting a positive result (or a "BFP" in the online slang), and the guarded sense of elation that followed.  I can't wait to feel that way again!!

In other news...not much.  DS only has a few days left of his junior year of high school, and I'm already having my moments with that.  He had his last piano recital this week; he's been taking piano lessons for nine years and decided that next school year he will have too many things going on to keep it up.  Part of me was super sad about that, because it's the first of many lasts that will be happening in the next twelve months, and I'm not really ready to have my baby boy graduate from high school yet!  But time, as we all know, keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future... heh.  I'm happy that he did keep up with piano for as long as he did, and that it set such a strong foundation for his forays into other musical avenues (choir, trombone, guitar, bass...). I wish I could play half as well as he does.  Or even a quarter as well.

The boy got himself a job a few months ago, too.  I wasn't ready for that, either, but now it's kind of nice that he has some of his own money!  He works in the deli of our local grocery store, and seems to be enjoying it and handling the responsibility quite well.  I'm a proud mama bear.  :)

In "OMG!" news, I found out via Facebook this week that one of DS' friends (who moved away a few years ago) just became a daddy.  That caught me a little off guard!  Of course I'm fully aware that it's possible...DS himself will be 18 in January, and when I was his age I'd already been pregnant once myself...but it makes me feel old.  And, I'm not gonna lie, jealous; but that's part of life with infertility.  Some people can pop out babies like a PEZ dispenser, and some of us can't.  It doesn't make me a bad person, it's just a reminder that we all have different paths to follow.  At least, that's what I tell myself almost every single day.  :)

On THAT note, please keep all of us waiting families in your thoughts and prayers.  Pray for patience and guidance.  Pray for the strength to handle our journeys, no matter where the road takes us.  And, of course, pray for the moms out there who don't know what to do with their unborn babies...let them find us, let them know that someone out there wants so badly to meet them and help them...let them know they're not alone.

Thanks for reading.  See you next time!!

If at first you don't succeed...try re-doing your portfolio.

901 days since we've been officially on the books as of today!  And still, we wait. Sometimes more patiently and faith-filled than others.  There's nothing quite like the barrage of self-doubt that comes along with being a family hoping to be chosen by an expectant mom.  Why haven't we been chosen yet? Are we too old? Is it because we already have a child? Did I make us sound too selfish?  Does it seem like we're not good parents?  Should we have used a different agency? Should we try to market ourselves? How long should we keep waiting??

For a few months now, I've been thinking about updating our portfolio.  I put it together in the summer of 2012, after all, and at that time the boy had just finished 8th grade.  It doesn't seem like that long ago, but recently he registered for classes for his senior year of high school, and it has occurred to me on more than one occasion that the photos of him in our portfolio are now a little out-dated.  I mean, he basically looks the same, but not really.  He's taller, his hair is longer, he looks more like a young man instead of a young teenager.  I just feel like he's a little misrepresented in our portfolio now, so I decided it's time for some updating.

I'm just afraid I won't be able to stop there.  Because I know that the "Pets" page is outdated now, too.  And I could add or change more pictures on other pages, as well.  Or maybe I should just change the whole look and feel of the whole portfolio.  I kept it simple, but maybe it's too simple.  Maybe I should add more text.  Maybe I should make it more serious and less "fun".  I don't know!!  I have a copy of it here, but haven't looked at it for a while.  I should look at it soon, to get an idea of exactly how much I want to change before I go shopping for more scrapbooking supplies.

So, that's pretty much where we are now.  I did email our caseworker last week and found out that our portfolio was looked at six weeks ago (well, seven weeks ago now), but nothing since.  Besides the fact that I'm afraid I won't be able to stop once I start updating the portfolio, I'm also more than a little hesitant to do so because it means both of our portfolios will be pulled and sent back to us.  Which means we won't be "out there".  I guess that's not entirely true, because our cover letters will still be available for expectant families to look at, and I don't plan on keeping the portfolios a second longer than necessary...but it's still in the back of my mind.  Our mom can't find us if we're not out there.

Well! In other news...since I last wrote in here, I'm happy to say that I survived chaperoning the marching band trip to Tampa! Oh my gosh, it was so fun.  And even though the sun didn't come out until the day we left, and the day we went to the beach it was in the 50's and drizzling and the locals were wearing parkas while our kids were wearing bikinis and swimming in the ocean, it was so very nice to be away from winter for a short time.  Is it too late to relocate?  Heh heh heh.  A girl can dream!

A few days after we got back from that trip, the boy had his very first fender-bender.  :(  He was driving (my awesome 2007 Monte Carlo) to school for pep band one evening after a winter storm, and as he approached the intersection where he was going to turn right, the car hit a patch of ice and spun out.  The passenger side of the Monte Carlo took the brunt of the impact.  Apparently he clipped the rear bumper of the car in front of him and then slid up on the median and into a big wooden stop sign pole.  THANKFULLY no one was injured!!  Because this was at a busy intersection and things could have gone real bad, real fast.  The other vehicle was able to drive away with no problem, but my poor car wasn't so lucky.  I was able to baby it home, because this happened just about half a mile away from our driveway, but the insurance company ended up declaring it a total loss.  It sucks, but everyone has to go through their first car accident, right?  At least he wasn't hurt, and seems to be no worse for the wear, and is hopefully much more aware of dangerous driving conditions now.

The week after that was his 17th birthday.  I still cannot believe that my baby boy is 17 years old!!  Yikes! I wish he'd quit making me feel so old.  Ha, ha, ha.

Other than that, not much going on.  The boy is busy with school and music stuff (winter drumline, jazz band, piano lessons, guitar lessons, church youth music group, besides choir and band in school).  DH and I are working and trying to keep up with the boy child.  And counting down the days until winter is over, because we are SO over cold weather!

Wish I had more interesting news to report...maybe next time!  Thanks for reading this and thinking of us.