No news is no news!

Day 832, and still, we wait.

The good news, and in the Yes-of-course-I'm-Jealous-but-in-a-good-way department, I am truly happy to announce that one of the other couples with whom we went through adoption education classes is now no longer a couple but a family!!  I feel like an auntie...sort of...in a way...but not really. I'm so genuinely happy for them, and ask you to continue to keep them (as well as all adoptive families and families-in-wait) in your prayers.

In other news, our adoption agency announced recently that they are cutting back on the number of hoping-to-adopt families they will represent next year, basically because (I've tried five times now to write this next part without making it sound horrible), well, I guess because more unexpectedly expecting parents are choosing to parent instead of making an adoption plan for their unexpected blessings.  How wonderful would it be if there were no need for adoption agencies because every child was born into this world to families who were more than ready, willing, and able to parent them to the absolute best of their abilities?!  It would be something akin to peace on earth, I believe.  Nothing short of a miracle...a blessed, blessed miracle.

It has always felt just a little bit selfish to me, for me to complain about having to "wait so long".  I mean, when you get to the bare bones of how this works, we're waiting to be chosen by an expectant parent (or parents) who probably feel that the best chance their unborn child has for a good life is to make an adoption plan with another family.  The fact that we haven't been chosen yet doesn't mean that we're not a good enough family, it just means that we're not needed, yet.  Sometime between the last time I wrote in here and now, that realization hit me like a ton of bricks.  It's almost as if our "services" are not needed at this time, and when you really think about it, that's not such a bad thing.  So, that is why I feel awkward now, complaining in the least about our wait.  This adoption journey, every bit of it, is so not about us.  It's about a child in need.  It's about an expectant parent making the heart-wrenching decision to let another family raise the child that grew and developed inside her womb.  For us to adopt a child, means that another family will be cutting their ties to an extent with that same child.  If you know me, you know that I don't like to cause another human being to be in pain.  Don't get me wrong, I still have the utmost faith that this is the path on which we are meant to be, and I have not stopped believing that God does have a plan for us to adopt a child, but this is just more evidence that it will happen when the timing is right, and only then.  In my job as an OB nurse, I'm one of the people responsible for convincing brand-new moms and dads that they have the skills and knowledge and confidence to take this newborn tiny human home and care for it to the best of their abilities and turn it into something meaningful and worthwhile...so that part of me cannot be sad that the number of infants being placed for adoption is down.

But the realist in me knows that not every family is able to handle caring for a newborn with that child's best interests at heart, even if they decide not to make an adoption plan.  I don't live in a cave, you know. I see the stories about irresponsible parents and families, and ache for the children who suffer in those cases.  I read about (and pray for, and occasionally even see for myself) children who have been hurt by their families, and I just want to scream and yell...if they had only made an adoption plan with someone like us, that pain could have been avoided.  Lives could have been saved.  It's a little frustrating.

Anyway...another realization of sorts that has occurred to me since the last time I wrote, that has made this wait much more tolerable, is the fact that if this doesn't happen, we will be fine.  I belong to a few different adoption-related groups on FB, and there's often an underlying theme of, "If I don't get to parent a child, my life will be forever incomplete."  Not in those words, but that's the general idea.  And the obvious rebuttal I have to that, is currently sitting on the other end of the couch playing on his smartphone and petting the dog.  I'm fortunate enough to have had the chance to parent one child already.  I've gone through the joys and pains of pregnancy and natural childbirth and all that fun stuff.  I have struggled with feeling like our lives won't be complete if we don't have another child...but I know that we are very, very lucky to have had the one we do have, which is something that a lot of people will never experience.  It's another thing that makes me feel selfish about complaining about the length of The Big Wait.  It's a miracle we had him in the first place, and now we're hoping for another miracle.  Is that selfish?  (Rhetorical question.)

I don't want to sound like a complete downer here, but this is what's been on my mind that I can actually share here.  Working in OB, there are lots of things that come up that I want so badly to write about, but I can't.  So I keep those thoughts and insights to myself.

It's kind of like when I was in nursing school, and in grave danger of failing one of my classes.  It seemed like it would just be the absolute and complete end of the world if I failed that class, and I didn't know how on earth I would even continue if that happened...I was sure that if I failed a class, I would not ever become a nurse, and that put my whole life in a spin because I was so convinced that I was meant to be a nurse, and I had no idea what I would do with my life if that didn't happen...well, guess what? I failed that class.  And it was momentarily devastating, but it was by far not the end of the world.  The planet didn't implode.  I wasn't ostracized from the community. I wasn't even kicked out of nursing school.  I cried for a good day or so, then wiped my tears and pulled up my big-girl panties and went after Plan B -- which was to re-take that class online over summer break and hopefully be able to rejoin my classmates on the same schedule in the fall.  And that's what happened.  And now I'm a nurse, even though something came up that I didn't think I was prepared to handle.  I know there is a huge difference between adopting a child and passing a class, but the lesson is very much the same.  Things happen that you didn't plan for, but life goes on and if it's meant to happen, it will happen.  I'm not the one in control here.  Gotta keep the big picture in focus, right?!

Anyway...in other news, in about a week and a half from now, I will be on my way to sunny FLORIDA!!  With 60-some band kids, on a coach bus.  But still.  DS' marching band will be playing at the Outback Bowl in Tampa on New Year's Eve Day, and I get to chaperone!!!  It will be so nice to escape this cold, bleak, upper Midwestern landscape for a few days.  A dream come true, one might say.  And since I haven't even seen the sun here in almost two weeks, it can't happen a moment too soon.  I miss the sun.  I'm so tired of winter and it's not even January yet.

On that note...thanks for reading, and for your thoughts and prayers and good wishes.  I wish I had news, but I don't, so you get to just hear me ramble on for a while.  :)  Merry Christmas!!