All other ground is sinking sand...

From Merriam-Webster:

Definition of HOPE:

intransitive verb

1

: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>

2

archaic : trust

transitive verb

1

: to desire with expectation of obtainment

2

: to expect with confidence : trust

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In case you couldn't tell (and looking back on it, I'm not so sure you could), I was pretty depressed when I wrote my last entry.  Sometimes it just seems like things have a way of piling up and crashing down on you at the worst possible moment, ya know?  I'd say it was the culmination of a number of things -- waiting to move forward in this process, a winter that seemed like it would never end, losing one of my best dogs ever, and other personal matters which I will probably not mention here -- that made me feel like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I knew I needed to do something, and quickly; staying in bed all day on my days off wasn't getting me anywhere, that's for sure!

I did something I realized I hadn't done in a few weeks or more: I stopped and prayed.  Now, I didn't grow up in a church-going household; I never learned Bible stories when I was little, I was never taught "how" to pray.  It was just something I started doing on my own, having little "discussions" with God inside my own head.  I didn't ever wonder if it was "right" or not, because I figured that it must be right, since it came to me so naturally.  Anywho, it occurred to me last weekend that I hadn't done that in a long time . . . too long.  So I got back in touch with God, and suddenly, the storms raging inside my poor little head began to clear.  I felt like smacking myself upside the head and going, "DUHHHHH!!!"  I am feeling better.  I am feeling more hopeful, more optimistic, less like staying in bed and hiding from the world all day.  It's a wonderful feeling!!

Well, last week I received word from one of the other couples we went through adoption classes with, that they have been chosen by a birthmom and are awaiting the arrival of a baby boy at the end of this month!  I have to admit, when I first heard that, I was jealous.  Very, very jealous.  "Why them and not us?" and so on.  Thankfully, that didn't last long, and a short time later I was filled with nothing but honest-to-goodness happiness for them.  In fact, I'm almost ashamed to admit that I was so jealous at first, but I'm only human, so I'm putting it out there as it stands.  Besides, it fills me with hope, this knowledge that "someone from our group" is moving forward!  Not that it's any indication of when our turn will come up, of course; we're not on a numbered sort of waiting list, but are all on common ground with no one having a better chance of being "next" than anyone else.  I really am so very happy for this new family, and am praying that things work out for the best.  And I continue to pray for those of us who are still waiting, and especially for our birthmothers . . . just imagine, there are women out there who have no idea yet that we are waiting patiently to meet them.  It boggles the mind.

Anyway, the sun is shining and we're supposed to have summer tomorrow (seriously, it was 38ºF when I woke up this morning, and is supposed to be close to 90ºF tomorrow then back to the 70's) so I should get off the couch and get some housework done, so I can spend some quality time soaking up some vitamin D and getting some much-needed yardwork done tomorrow.

Thanks for reading!

Things to do while waiting...

From the July/August 1999 issue of Adoptive Families, as presented to us in our packet of adoption-related paperwork during our educational classes last fall:

10 Tips to Pass the Time

1. Read.
2. Keep a journal; it's a great way to express what you really feel. Begin with "I remember" and write any memory you can think of.
3. Indulge in a hobby.
4. Go for walks--morning or evening.  Choose a color and notice how many times you see it.
5. Write letters.
6. Organize your photos.
7. Learn something new. When we learn something new, we have less time to worry.
8. Visit the library. If you don't already have a card, get one.
9. Be a tourist in your own town.
10. Trust in what you love. It will take you where you want to go and get you through the waiting process.

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I haven't looked at that list for a while now (almost eight months, but who's counting?!), and I'm actually kind of surprised to see that I've been doing at least six of those already.  (Seven if I can count "scrolling through lists of titles on my Kindle" as "[v]isit[ing] the library".)

I remember being warned that waiting would not be easy.  "Not easy" is becoming more and more of an understatement.  I'd imagined that it would be an even bigger personal challenge for me, because historically I'm not a fan of waiting.  I'd imagined correctly!  Patience is NOT one of my strong suits.  I remember when I was pregnant with DS, I just about had a breakdown in the 6th month, because it felt like I'd been pregnant for-EVER! and that, with 3-4 months yet to go, I was going to continue to be pregnant for-EVER! . . . and that journey had a fairly clear finish line.

I don't mean to sound whiny, but waiting is hard.  Some days I think I'm going to go absolutely bat-crap insane if I have to wait another day to be chosen, and other days I'm perfectly fine with not being chosen yet.  Some days I can see that this is all going to happen in God's perfect timing, and other days I worry that if it doesn't happen soon, it's not going to happen at all.  Some days I am secure in the knowledge that we are right where we are supposed to be and that it WILL happen and one day I will look back at these impatient days and smile (at least on the inside) when I remember how I'm feeling right now and how it all ends up fitting into the big picture; other days, that vision is a little cloudier.

Which is probably most of the reason why I haven't written in here for a while. I have absolutely nothing at all to share for updates about our adoption journey.  Our six-month review has come and gone, with the news that there has been no further activity with our portfolio since those first few weeks.  "Hang in there," our caseworker wrote; "it's still very early!"

In other news, though, we've been keeping busy.  See the list at the top of this entry, ha, ha.  In the middle of March, I was fortunate to be able to travel to New York City as a chaperone with my son and 80-some other members of his high school choir (and 20-some other adult chaperones).  It was a whirlwind "vacation" starting and ending with a 20-some-hour bus ride from western Wisconsin to the east coast.  We were there for four days and hit more of the big touristy things than I would have ever tried to handle on my own!  I'm still amazed at how our trip coordinators managed to make maneuvering a group of 100+ people, mostly teenagers from a small farming community, look easy.  We were always where we needed to be when we needed to be there, with everyone present and accounted for.  I've always wanted to see NYC but didn't think I ever would, so this was really a once-in-a-lifetime trip.  The kids were awesome and I believe I can safely say that a good time was had by all.

The boy has been keeping busy with school.  He's getting awesome grades.  Earlier this year he joined his school's first-ever winter drumline, and spent most of his Saturdays with the group, getting their show polished for competition.  I'm very proud to report that, in their very first year of competition, this group took first place at state!  They all worked so hard, and it was such an impressive show.  The kids in this school district are so talented, it blows my mind.  And I know I'm biased, but my son definitely fits into that group.  He loves his music and makes the hardest pieces look so easy.  He taught himself how to play the bass guitar for drumline, and now he plays bass with a group from church and also the high school jazz band.  He still takes lessons every week on the "regular" guitar, and piano, and plays trombone in the high school concert band.  Oh, and he sings, too.  I'm a very proud momma!

I'm purposely avoiding the weather.  On May 2nd, we got 12 inches of snow.  Yes, that's right, a whole foot of snow.  Don't mention the words "global warming" anywhere near western Wisconsin right now.

I do have some sad news to report.  About 2.5 weeks ago, on April 17, we had to say "good-bye" to a beloved and cherished family member . . . our 7-year-old Boxer/Lab dog, Magnum.  Long story short is that we're pretty sure he had a brain tumor.  He was a much-loved member of our family, and I miss him more than I can put into words.  I'm going to change the topic now, before I start crying again!

So, that's about it from us.  I can't believe that the boy's freshman year of high school is almost over, or that I'm sitting here right now looking at a landscape that belongs in December, not May!  The hubby and I have been hard at work at our respective jobs and keeping busy around the house, etc.

Tom Petty so eloquently wrote, "The waiting is the hardest part; every day you get one more yard.  You take it on faith, you take it to the heart -- the waiting is the hardest part."  I don't know what situation he was was immortalizing with those words, but they couldn't be more appropriate right now.

God grant me patience . . . but hurry!!  :)