I guess that's a good sign, if you want to take it that way. I do. I don't want to wake up every day thinking about how many days or weeks it's been since my Dad died, that's for sure. I had to use Google to get the statistic for today, ha ha ha. It's weird, it just seems like it's been...IDK...longer.
Lately it feels like I'm starting to feel all of the losses I've had over the last year or so, and I don't like that feeling at all. I've heard it said before that losing a pet can be as painful or even more painful than losing a human loved one. I heard that again recently and it made me want to laugh. I've lost a lot of pets, and it has hurt immensely, but losing my Dad hurt so much more than all of that put together, I'd say. And I'm not a person who takes losing a pet very nonchalantly at all, for lack of a better word. Up until last year, I would've totally believed that losing a pet could hurt at least as much if not more than losing a human loved one.
But I don't want to go down this road right now, because I'm struggling with the depression demons as it is lately and even though I don't think that breaking down crying is a sign of weakness, I feel like it would be for me today so I don't want to go there. I need to be strong. I need to get shit done today. I mean, I'm getting shit done, but I need some enthusiasm and motivation behind it, so I can get even more shit done. Like the 10 loads of clean laundry (give or take) that are in our bedroom, needing to be put away right now. I don't mind washing and drying laundry, but I don't like putting it away. But I like having it put away.
And my car really needs to be washed. But it's been in the 20's below zero for the last week (hence today's title) so I haven't been able to take it through the car wash.
I also need to vacuum the bedroom carpet. I can't blame that one on the cold. That's just me being lazy.
But I did get caught up on the dirty dishes this weekend. Sort of. The dishwasher needs to be emptied now, and the clean dishes on the counter need to be put away. But I got the counters cleaned off and the stove top cleaned. So I'm making some small but important steps back to getting the house in order. Because an orderly house helps my messed up mind feel like it's in order, too.
I'm going to spend the night at my Mom's house tomorrow night. That is actually getting harder for me to do. Not schedule-wise, but emotionally. Mostly because at least half of everything there reminds me of my Dad. It's been a few years since I've actually seen him in the house now, but still. The stuff that is his reminds me of him, and the stuff that isn't his makes me think of what he would say about it. And I really wish my parents would have kept my old bedroom the way it was because I really do not like sleeping in my parents' bedroom when I'm there. But literally the only other place to sleep is in my Dad's recliner, in the living room, next to my Mom's recliner. And I've done that before -- when my Mom broke her hip and my Dad was, at the same time, in short-term rehab at the VA. But I couldn't do it now because my Mom leaves the TV on all night. All freaking night. Then complains that she doesn't sleep all night. She leaves the lights on and the TV on and, even if I could sleep in a recliner or on the couch (which I can't), I couldn't sleep with all that.
Oh wait, I take that back. I did sleep on the couch the night after my Dad died. I forgot about that for a moment. My mom slept in her recliner, I slept on the couch, and my nephew and his GF slept up in my parents' bedroom. I slept like crap anyway so it didn't matter where I slept.
Anyway...yeah. I don't know. Some days I work from home at her house, turning her kitchen table into my desk for the day, dragging my laptop and extra screen and backpack of mobile office supplies with me so I can make phone calls and do everything I could normally do except print. Since I'm back to working full-time now, I don't have the whole day to sit and play on my phone while she watches TV and vents about everything until we go run an hour's worth of errands, so we run errands when I'm done working. Then I play on my phone while she watches TV, lol.
I still call her every night, though. I think at this point it's just to make sure she's still alive. We don't really talk about anything. She tells me what the weather was like, and what it's going to be like for the next week or so, and she tells me what's on the news and whether she talked to anyone else in person or on the phone that day.
My two favorite things: small talk, and talking on the phone.
IN GOOD NEWS...
Ozempic is starting to actually work for me again!! The long-story-short version is that I was on it inconsistently for about a year (do as I say, not as I do...) and wasn't losing any weight (GO FIGURE!!) and was even gaining some back after my Dad died because, hello, emotional eating and such. No surprises there. So at the end of 2024 I climbed back on track and got myself back to my provider and she started me back on Oz again. However...when 2025 rolled around, our insurance decided they aren't going to cover Oz for weight loss anymore; and that I'd need a diagnosis of diabetes (not pre-diabetes, which I was able to eke out with my last labs drawn like a year and a half ago before I started Oz, with my borderline A1C) to be approved. No problem, my provider assured me, she'd just write for Wegovy instead (same active ingredient, different brand name). Except, our insurance -- for WHATEVER REASON -- doesn't cover Wegovy. This does not compute in my nurse brain. Not one single solitary bit. Especially because our insurance plan makes this big deal about how they are focused on HEALTH and WELLNESS. So, let's focus on getting healthy and well and preventing potential problems before they become problems!!
Or not!
Back-up plan time! My provider's office has a "deal" with a local pharmacy where they provide compounded semaglutide (the active ingredient of Wegovy and Ozempic) for an out-of-pocket price that is actually just a little bit more than the co-pay for the brand-name Oz was. So, I was a little leary of trying compounded stuff, but I also want to lose weight and improve my health, so I decided to try it. This is my second week on it. It's going well! I am hopeful.
And so, the reason I know it's starting to work for me again, is not just because the needle on the scale is ever-so-slowly starting to move downward, but because whenever I eat too much of the wrong thing, I pay for it. And I don't like paying for it. Now, I've had an irritable GI tract for as long as I remember so I'm pretty much used to "paying for it", but it gets a bit ridiculous after a while. So once my puny human brain realizes that I can actually control that now, I just have to not eat x, y, and z, it's like magic. I stop wanting to eat those things, even on bad days. Like now -- these days, I'm craving water and fruit. It's not fruit season right now so I'm SOL on that end, but I cannot drink enough water. I get 10k steps a day just going to the bathroom and back. (Kidding.) I'm no longer craving carbs and chocolate and sugary stuff all the time, I just mostly want water. The last time I stayed at my Mom's house, she kept trying to feed me all day, and I just wasn't hungry. Seriously. Like every time she went to the kitchen she'd offer me yogurt, pudding, chocolate, Jimmy Dean's egg, cheese, and sausage croissants, all this stuff that I either wasn't hungry for or I knew would make me sick shortly thereafter.
It is so nice to be able to turn down food when it is offered to me, because for so long that was not the case. Too many times I would take whatever was offered and scarf it down. Not anymore!!!
Alright, I gotta get back to work. TTYL!
