I remember when our journey of waiting first started. I jumped every time the phone rang. I made sure I always had my cell phone with me, on, and charged so that I wouldn't miss The Phone Call. I remember having a slight panic attack one time when I was chaperoning a band trip and my phone battery died...I calmed myself down with the fact that DH was at home and the home phone would work just fine, if needed. It wasn't needed, but that wasn't the point. I used to worry about making vacation plans, because what if we got The Call during that time?!
I've become quite lax in that aspect. :) Every so often we get "unknown name" calls from in-state numbers (I answered one today, it was a political thing) that make me think, "Maybe this is it!" but I know that it likely will not be "it".
I'm not completely lax, though; I've just kind of shifted my obsession from the phone, to my email. When I check my email, I hurriedly scan through the list of senders to see if our caseworker's name appears at all, hoping that it does, hoping that she's emailing me about a potential match or a birthmom situation that she thinks we might be interested in. That hasn't happened for a while, either, but you never know.
Speaking of never knowing, it occurred to me a few weeks ago that every day that goes by without a phone call or an email feels like getting another "BFN" as they call it in the online infertility world. That stands for "big fat negative" and, as you may have gathered from this entry's photo, refers to the result of a home pregnancy test. And speaking of my obsessions...at least former obsessions, hahaha...
I haven't talked about my own infertility here (or anywhere, actually!) all that much. When I was going through it -- "it" meaning "trying to get (and stay) pregnant" -- I never thought of myself as infertile; I could get pregnant, I just couldn't stay pregnant. The doctors I would see would tell me not to worry about it, that I was young and it would happen eventually and I should quit worrying about it because that was probably making it worse. And then they told me I should stop trying because it probably wasn't ever going to happen. And then, miracle of miracles, I got pregnant with DS (after losing five pregnancies) and had an uneventful pregnancy and carried him to term and had an uneventful labor and delivery. It was surreal. It still has it's surreal moments. In hindsight, I wish I would've tried harder to find answers; to find out why I was having so many issues and then to find out what to do about it, instead of just letting the chips fall where they may, and waiting until my late 30's to find out that I had severe endometriosis and uterine fibroids (and probably had for years) which very likely could have explained why I had had so much trouble in the reproduction department. But, no sense dwelling on that now. None of us can change anything in the past, but it is part of my story and part of what brought me to where we are today, on the journey of waiting to be part of an open adoption.
The point I was going to make is that, during the time when DH and I were trying to have a baby, I went through a LOT of home pregnancy tests. Every time my period was late (which was most of the time), I'd have to test. Too bad they didn't have punch cards for those things, like a "buy ten, get one free!" deal. Anyway, most of the time I got the BFN. It was devastating at first, and always disappointing, but not unexpected after a while.
That's exactly how I feel now, every day. When a day goes by that our caseworker doesn't call or email, I feel like I just peed on a stick and got another BFN. Every. Day. It was devastating at first, and always disappointing, but not unexpected. I guess, like in the old days, I just acknowledge it, let it go, and hope that the next time brings better results. Because, like in the old days, I have faith that it will happen; that "better results" are just around the next corner, or maybe the next one, or possibly the one after that. I don't know when, but one of these days we'll get that phone call or email. I remember that feeling of getting a positive result (or a "BFP" in the online slang), and the guarded sense of elation that followed. I can't wait to feel that way again!!
In other news...not much. DS only has a few days left of his junior year of high school, and I'm already having my moments with that. He had his last piano recital this week; he's been taking piano lessons for nine years and decided that next school year he will have too many things going on to keep it up. Part of me was super sad about that, because it's the first of many lasts that will be happening in the next twelve months, and I'm not really ready to have my baby boy graduate from high school yet! But time, as we all know, keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future... heh. I'm happy that he did keep up with piano for as long as he did, and that it set such a strong foundation for his forays into other musical avenues (choir, trombone, guitar, bass...). I wish I could play half as well as he does. Or even a quarter as well.
The boy got himself a job a few months ago, too. I wasn't ready for that, either, but now it's kind of nice that he has some of his own money! He works in the deli of our local grocery store, and seems to be enjoying it and handling the responsibility quite well. I'm a proud mama bear. :)
In "OMG!" news, I found out via Facebook this week that one of DS' friends (who moved away a few years ago) just became a daddy. That caught me a little off guard! Of course I'm fully aware that it's possible...DS himself will be 18 in January, and when I was his age I'd already been pregnant once myself...but it makes me feel old. And, I'm not gonna lie, jealous; but that's part of life with infertility. Some people can pop out babies like a PEZ dispenser, and some of us can't. It doesn't make me a bad person, it's just a reminder that we all have different paths to follow. At least, that's what I tell myself almost every single day. :)
On THAT note, please keep all of us waiting families in your thoughts and prayers. Pray for patience and guidance. Pray for the strength to handle our journeys, no matter where the road takes us. And, of course, pray for the moms out there who don't know what to do with their unborn babies...let them find us, let them know that someone out there wants so badly to meet them and help them...let them know they're not alone.
Thanks for reading. See you next time!!
